Beyond Underdogs: The Whale's Vagina Padres

Calling them the “Whale’s Vagina Padres” is neither here nor there; I just wanted to be splashy. Anyways, it’s a good thing no one in San Diego knows the Padres are still there because, if they did, they’d be upset.

I’m starting to think GM Jed Hoyer made an agreement with previous GM Kevin Towers to continue his legacy of intentionally remaking the Padres into the most anonymous team in all of MLB. Except I think Hoyer will take it one step further and turn it into some sort of avant-garde performance piece. By June he’ll have dealt away Chris Young, Adrian Gonzalez, Kevin Kouzmanoff and Heath Bell, strictly accepting obscure Double-A players only. Then soon afterwards he will arrange to have all the players’ names removed from the backs of their jerseys, rendering them unrecognizable to the announcers and fans. There will be no media programs published; MLB.com and ESPN.com will be forced to sign confidentiality agreements agreeing to never post the identities of the Padres’ players on their sites. At the end of the season at some art show in SoHo there will be a retrospective of the 2010 San Diego Padres season to commemorate the team’s visionary artistic achievement.

But seriously, what happens if they trade Adrian Gonzalez and Kevin Kouzmanoff? Will the league have no choice but to demote them to Triple-A? Will they be put up on foreclosure, bought by Mark Cuban, and moved to Las Vegas, San Jose…Dallas? I kind of want this to happen the same way people want the government to get so corrupt it collapses on itself in a fascinating wreck of dysfunction and chaos.

What would the city of San Diego do with that stadium they worked so hard to make the centerpiece of the downtown landscape? Would they just remodel it into a football stadium and let the Chargers play there? Would they upgrade to stainless steel appliances and granite countertops and hope to find a buyer willing to pay full price (desperate Southern California homeowner joke)? It does have great curb appeal…

The most amazing part is that despite all this, the Padres vastly outperformed their circumstances. They overachieved like a bastard in 2009. Their 2009 Pythagorean W-L record was 67-95. Long story short, that’s what their record SHOULD have been based on the team statistics. Their actual record? 75-87 – 8 games better than what it should have been. In baseball that’s pretty significant. Then if you look at their season month-by-month, you see that if they had just managed to go .500 for June and July they would have ended up 85-77 – above .500 and better than the Cubs, Brewers and Reds – and finishing 5^th versus 8^th in the wild card standings.

I suppose that’s all hypothetical gibberish since they DIDN’T do any of that, and were a pretty crappy team that in a fluke went 17-9 in September. But it begs a question for the management of the organization. You really can’t just do a little bit better? Is the team really that bankrupt? How can you be totally unable to keep any veteran good players? How much of this is simply the ubiquitous corporate mentality of profit-not-product first? I don’t know the details of the team’s financial situation. I know the owner went through a nasty divorce this year and was allegedly…apparently…trying to devalue the team since it was his biggest financial asset so that he would owe less to his wife.

So my second question is for someone like Mark Cuban, who kicked the tires on a franchise that would cost him about a bajillion times more to buy (the Cubs), why not put in an offer on the Dads and spice up the NL West a whole lot? Good time to do it with the ridiculous 2011 free agent class looming. Carl Crawford and Joe Mauer would look good in those Padres fatigues uniforms...*

*No, they wouldn't. I was just saying that as an ending to my column. Those are the ugliest uniforms in the history of baseball.

Jayhawks: Over-Underbird

I have one team that's not an Underdog at all. They're consistently good, they recently won a national championship, and my fanship totally makes me look like a front-runner since I'm not from Kansas. But I was raised on Jayhawk basketball and I've been by their side through thick and thin. That journey is why I can boldly state that they're an Underdog. A 10-0, #1 ranked Underdog.

Until '08, when they beat Memphis and I developed a monumental man-crush on Mario Chalmers, the Jayhawks hadn't claimed a title in 20 years. Yeah yeah, some teams have never won at all, blah blah blah, shut up, Gonzaga. In that 20 year span, I'm guessing Kansas had somewhere around eight #1 rankings (tried to research that stat, got bored, gave up). At some point, "Number One" became synonymous with "Disappointment". Being the favorite is when KU does some of its worst work, as seen with the Jayhawks' first round losses to 13th and 14th ranked teams in the '05 and '06 tournaments, respectively. And since the rest of the teams I faithfully support can't make the playoffs to save their lives, forgive me for preparing for the hard fall when my #1 seeded Jayhawks lose to the Corn-Weasles of Southeastern N. Dakota Technical Institute in an upset that forces the B- state of Kansas out of the Union.

I will not blather on about the "target on our back". That's one of my least favorite sports analogies. Top seeds don't lose because of a #1-shaped bullseye. Everybody wants to beat everybody. If anything, the favorites win more games because their opponents play scared. Isn't that right, 49ers against the Colts in week 8? You don't lose because teams are gunning for you, it's because you're awesome and you get comfortable and then you blow it. Isn't that right, USC vs Texas in the '05 Rose Bowl? And until '08 when Fabio Chalmers saved the world, I had watched the Jayhawks get comfortable and blow it a lot. Like, every year. Like, all the years when they were stacked, with Pierce, LaFrentz, Ostertag, Vaughn, Gooden, Collison, and lots of other players that haven't amounted to much in the NBA (Pierce excluded. Calm down, Boston). And when you're the consensus #1, blowing it is really the only option other than winning the whole thing. You either win every game and get crowned National Champion, or you lose and are a failure.

This is not to say that I don't love winning and the decent chances of taking it all. It's awesome. Two titles in three years will alleviate almost all of the misery caused by the Golden State Warriors. But I can't get excited about Jayhawk wins. We're supposed to win every game, usually by 13+ points. After a season of Giants baseball and 3/4 of a 49er season where every win is like a little kiss from Jesus, this is tough. It seems I'm much better equiped to cheer for shitty teams. Certainly more qualified to write about them.

In truth, I'm miserable. My team is awesome but they're not allowed to lose. And if they do, I won't be able to say, "At least the _________s are good," because all my other teams are bad. I'll only be able to say, "Typical." They have to win it all, or else the whole season will just be another joyless turd to go with all the other turds my beloved sports teams have pooped.

Underdogs are Tricky

Hey, reader. Singular. In reference to myself.

All season long, I've been gearing up for a great "49ers: Underdogs" post. I started thinking about it during the summer and I planted little seeds with the posts about their QB situation and the Crabtree ordeal. My plan was to have a couple close losses early, maybe pick up a cheap win against the Rams, and then lose the majority of the games and write bitter things every week.

But my plan got shelved. San Fran jumped out to a hot start, 3-1, with the only loss coming on a RIDICULOUS last-second play by Fart Bavre. My best laid Underdog schemes were... something about Mice and Men. And so for weeks 5-10 I lived in a delusional fog, believing that my team's losses were bad beats, that their win (only 1, just that one shitty win over the Bears) was proof they were back on track, and paying close mind to our record and Wild Card chances.

And then they lost to the Packers last week, the quarterback that could have been defeated the one that is, playoffs became all but impossible, and I finally woke up. Of course the 49ers are an underdog team! They're terrible! They have no clue what their doing or how any of their players are going to play week in and week out! What sort of idiot would think they might have a good season?

I've loved football since I knew how to love things. Every season since I was in grade school has been my favorite thing ever. By now, I should really be aware that there are always a few teams that start hot, get people talking, and then juice up the suck and play to their below-average potential. And I should have known that's what the 49ers were doing this year. Just like the Broncos and the Jets, they started off the season lying to us. They told us they could play football, and did some amateur tricks and we all fell for it. And when they pressed their luck and tried to further the charade, it all came crashing down. Welcome back to suck, 49ers, Jets and Broncos. Welcome back to your home. Hey, give the Texans a call, remind them it's their turn to do dishes. Oh, you already did, Broncos? Just in time for Kris Brown to miss that field goal last night? Great, thanks. Did you tell him how to spell his name? Oh, ok, we can just do that when the Texans get here later.

Sorry to bring you into this, Jets, Broncos and Texans fans. You guys are alright. My team is worse. I'm just trying to make up for the 10 weeks of "My Team is Worse than Yours" talk I missed out on. The 49ers are bad. They're worse than that bad. That one win during this tedious downhill slide? The opposing quarterback threw them the ball, he wasn't intercepted, the 9er D didn't make good plays, they were handed the ball 5 times, and they won 10-6. So. Effing. Bad.

From this point forward, I promise to acknowledge my teams suckage and give it it's due respect. For what is an Underdog Blog when it's writer thinks his team is better than other teams? It's an asshole blog, that's what it is.

Michael Crabtree Holdout: UnderTheBridge

Well done, Michael. You've made my previous post obsolete and I applaud you.

Who knew he was so charming? Who knew he could be so humble? Who knew as soon as he signed I would eat everything I had said and bathe myself in the waters of hypocrisy? Eh, no one knew, no one reads this stuff.

I made three claims in my "I Hate Michael Crabtree" post that is now even less valid than my "Brett Favre Won't be Good" post. Thank God I don't claim to know stuff about sports. Anyway, I said that the 49ers would not sign him and that's the wrongest thing I said. Then I claimed he wouldn't play, and that will prove to be wholly false on October 25th. Lastly, I stated that he will suck. Now, and very unfortunately for me and the rest of the 9er nation (note the ass-pat in that photo), this is my only prediction that could hold water. And I really don't want it to because I bought six Crabtree jerseys the morning after he signed.

I got a lot of congratulation calls after he officially ended his holdout. People seemed so excited for me and I couldn't figure out why. I guess this whole Crabtree saga has put it in all of our minds that he's awesome. No other reason a guy doesn't get signed until October. Right, JaMarcus Russell? I loved Crabtree in college. I hoped against hope that we would draft him. But for every awesome college player that really shows up in the NFL, there are at least two that don't. So, yeah, I'm excited that he signed because we really need a good receiver. I just hope he's a good receiver. And now I'm trying to think back to whether it was clairvoyance or alcohol that made me write he'll suck.

Bottom line, we all love our teams and we'll forgive a lot if it means we might win more games. I've really starting buying in to all the "his agent made him hold out" talk. That's a much nicer story. But I could totally go back to calling him a butthole if he sucks. I may be in your corner now, Mr. Crabtree, but if you're not careful I'll go right back to the lonely corner I was in earlier where I sneer and curse people under my breath. Please don't make me go back. Please just take me to the Superbowl.

Michael Crabtree: Underjerk

You're done, Crabtree. You're done.

I implore all sports analysts around the country to stop writing articles with the "what's gonna happen to Michael Crabtree" theme. Stop wondering who's gonna budge first and what the 49ers grand plan is and all of that. They aren't signing Crabtree. And if they do, he's not playing. And if he plays, he's gonna suck. Because Michael Crabtree sucks.

I'm sorry, Mike, $16 million guaranteed isn't good enough for you? In fact, it's so not good enough for you that you'd rather not sign any contract and wait a year to hopefully make more money? Is it because you were getting $5 million a year to PLAY IN COLLEGE, YOU PRICK? I really can't wrap my mind around $20 million over 5 years with $16 guaranteed not being enough money. It's as though, just before the draft, he made a bid on a very lavish house and knew he was going to have to get a contract for at least $23 guaranteed. Not the 9ers fault, Crabs.

I mean, I'm sorry Al Davis is an idiot. I'm sorry he showered a guy who should have gone in the 2nd round in money and made you feel undervalued. But, you know, shut up. You could have been sitting on more money than most people see in their entire lives, playing for a team that's playing better than most expected (most smart football players would happily take a pay cut to not play for the Raiders) and earning yourself a HUGE contract extension if you played well. But now you aren't playing. You haven't played a competitive game in like 8 months. And you really think taking a season off and reentering the draft is going to get you taken higher than 10th? Is this chick your adviser?

I stopped wanting San Francisco to sign Crabtree back in mid-August, or whenever I first caught wind that he was threatening to skip the season and get drafted again. Soon as I found out this kid who has yet to play a game in the NFL thinks he's better than an entire franchise, I was done with him. I do not want him on my team. I can't imagine the other SF players, the ones who went through the two-a-day work outs of their grueling training camp, who fought for a spot on the roster, who work hard and aren't shitheads, how would they react to Crabtree if he did get signed and joined the team in October. "Oh, hey, you're that guy who thinks he's better than the rest of us. Welcome aboard, if you fumble I'll cut off all our fingers." And imagine what Coach Singletary would do to this kid if he stepped out of line at all. Mike doesn't like divas and, even at 50 or however old he is, he could destroy Crabtree.

No, I'm much more invested in the vindictive, petty emotions that have me wanting to watch Crabtree's career be a bust. There's gotta be a sacrificial lamb for these college players to see so they stop demanding a ton of money before they earn it. Adrian Peterson, the hands down best running back in the game, isn't making a million a year. It'll probably be 20 million a year when he gets his next contract, but he's earned it. Crabtree could never be as vital to an organization as Peterson is to the Vikings, and yet he wants 10 times the pay? I hate you, Michael Crabtree. If for no other reason because you're making my blog serious and angry.

Hair of the Underdog: SF Giants and Bowmore

The walk-off home run to Prince Fielder started it. I mean, really? A walk-off to Prince? How cliche, with an accent over the e that I don't know how to make. But what really sent me into this bender was losing the series to the Padres. The effing Padres, man. They're so bad. But I guess they aren't as bad as the Giants. And that's why I've had so much scotch.

It's tough that Giants' losses drive me to drink. But they do, so I'm gonna write about it. If my teams losing just made me totally despondent and unable to communicate my sorrow, I wouldn't have a blog, much less a blog as successful and well known as this one. Fortunately for everyone, the Giants current tailspin hasn't made me want to give up on life, it's just made me want to attack life with alcohol. And one of the weapons I use is Bowmore.

It's a great scotch for those of you who like a peaty scotch but don't want to feel like you're gnawing on a camp fire. I'm not a booze wizard and I don't have an expansive frame of reference, but I find Bowmore to be a slightly milder version of the really bold scotches that cost you $70 a bottle. Also, it helps you forget you lost two out of three to the fucking Padres.

I got a bottle for... I think $37 or so, not cheap, but more than worth the money. Throw in a couple ice cubes or a splash of water and it's just a delight. Then watch Aaron Rowand ground into a triple play and have another. Bowmore is one of the Islay distilleries, located on the island of Islay off the coast of Scotland. The Islay scotches are some of the best, or so I have been told and read just now while trying to learn about this post that I'm writing. I have had a few of the other Islay whiskeys and liked them all, but I'll save that discussion for when the Giants get swept by the Dodgers this weekend and/or don't make the playoffs. Apparently these scotches get a lot of their unique flavor from the water that they use, with the southern distilleries using the brown, peat heavy waters and the northern distilleries getting their water directly from the spring so it's a little less smokey. Bowmore is more centrally located, giving it a nice balance of the two. I just paraphrased all that directly from this source.

I hate the Giants. At least the last two seasons their playoff hopes were dashed in July so my depression peaked before August. Now they're only 4 games out of the wild card race, behind the Rockies who are currently the worst thing in my life. It's almost a given that the Giants will close the playoff gap and then lose 4 out of 5 in heartbreaking fashion. So being within striking distance of the postseason is almost worse than being totally horrible.

Those Colorado jerk-offs cannot lose. They just now scored 5 runs in an inning to go up 5-1 over the Reds. Like they knew I was in the midst of a Giants-mourning post and they wanted to help. Thank you, Garrett Atkins, you've made everything so much easier. Go drown yourself. In a delicious glass of Bowmore!

What the F, Ned Coletti?

BREAKING NEWS: Vicente Padilla turns down starring role in new “Nightmare on Elm Street” movie to pitch for Dodgers!

In all seriousness, though.  Why in the world did the Dodgers sign Vicente Padilla?  

...So the fans would have someone to actively disdain every day and make negative character assessments about? 

...As a cautionary tale for their young Latino fanbase? 

...To start a swine flu epidemic in Los Angeles?   

Are they trying to ruin the best team chemistry in MLB?  This article has one of the best headlines I've ever seen: "Los Angeles Dodgers: Vicente Padilla Brings Uncertainly, Swine Flu."  Is that what his scouting report says?  They forgot "ability to incite brawls" and "penchant for alienating teammates."  

Bizarre move, Ned.  For those of us keeping score at home, let me sum this up: you had pretty good odds of making the World Series as constituted, and had opportunities to add Cliff Lee or Roy Halladay to your staff and, reportedly, Adrian Gonzalez and/or Heath Bell at the trading deadline and we're talking about your favorable odds to win it all. But you opted to pull Vicente Padilla out of the Rangers' dumpster instead.  

...I'm starting to wonder how good you are at being a GM.  Jason Schmidt, Andruw Jones, re-signing Furcal, being totally in the dark about Manny, not making a major move at the deadline and watching the other NL contenders get better...Prospects are just prospects.  You've got the money now get some balls.  

Also, will you please build a subway extension from Union Station to Dodger Stadium?  Think about how amazing and sensible that would be.  Think about how many more people who are discouraged by traffic and the parking situation ::raises hand:: would actually go to games more than once or twice a season.  

Come on, get your act together.  

NL West: Underdivision

How did the NL West go from unrelenting shitshow to best division in the National League? To give you an idea of how radical this is, the Dodgers finished 8^th in the league standings in 2008 and they won the division! This sort of year-to-year phenomenon is rare in a sport like baseball. But here we are – heading into the stretch run with 3 NL West teams battling for 2 playoff spots.

Based on the fact that the Rockies are against winning games vs. the Dodgers (3-12 so far), I think Big Blue will hang on to win the NL West crown…followed by a bunch of people in East LA firing guns wildly into the air. However, I’m about 98% convinced the Rockies snatch the wildcard, and make for exciting October baseball again. And despite what the “experts” (seriously, click on this link; it's mind-blowing how wrong professional baseball analysts can be) say, my bold prediction is that the Colorado Rockies will win the 2009 NL pennant.

It’s not as though this came out of nowhere. The Rocks did it in 2007 against teams that were reportedly better, and that core is mostly in tact (minus Holliday, of course) and more experienced. The biggest difference is their pitching, which has been way better this year all around. They also have great chemistry and a great home crowd – as evidenced by the reaction to that walk-off slam vs. Los Gigantes earlier this week.

Looking at the stats, the usual offensive prowess stands out (top 5 in OPS, OBP, SLG and runs scored) but in a shocking turn of events, the Colorado Rockies are 1^st in quality starts in the NL. Pardon my Moroccan, but what the fuck? The rest of the traditional pitching stats are pretty average, but if you scratch the surface there are some other little nuggets that show they’re doing what it takes to win games. Specifically, they’re not blowing them. They only have 11 blown saves all season and have the 3^rd best save percentage in the NL. Brad Lidge has blown 9 games by himself. Rockies pitchers also get the 2^nd most run support in the league. The bottom line is they’re winning games, and that’s what counts.

The schedule is looking kind the rest of the way. They get to play the lowly Mets, Padres and D-Bags a total of 15 times, plus 6 games against the Brew Crew and the Cards. On paper you’d think that’s a bad thing, but the Rockies are a combined 7-0 this season against those two teams!

I’m excited for September in the NL West. The Dodgers and Rockies finish the year with a 3-game weekend set here at El Estadio Doyer. You bet I’m going to at least one of those games. Sadly the Giants look like they’re fading, and with them my hopes of seeing Timmy Lincecum pitch on a national stage in the playoffs. There’s time left, but it’s running out. More on that later…

Kickers: Underpeople

They always look silly, don't they?

It was only a preseason game, so some of you might not yet know about wide-receiver Chad Ochocinco's extra point kick against the Patriots last night. Here's a link to the video so you can see how non-spectacular yet post worthy it was. Regular kicker Shane Graham had a pulled groin muscle and it was an exhibition game, so Chad got the call. And he nailed it, great PAT, split the uprights, just a textbook kick. As if kickers weren't already low enough on the Totem Pole.

They are the butt of all football jokes. Kickers, aside from Sebastian Janikowski, are always the smallest guys on the sideline, sitting around through 95% of the game, coming out occasionally to score one point, kick off, or kick a 3-point attempt if they're lucky. God forbid a kick return makes it through the first line of defense and the kicker has to make a tackle (unless it's Janikowski). When they make a field goal, it's nothing to write home about because it's the only thing they do. When they miss, they're bad at the only thing they do. If they start to think they're important and talk a little trash, they get put back in their place at the kids' table. I mean, come on, the bad guy in Ace Ventura is a retired kicker who missed a big kick. They just have it the worst.

The role of the kicker has become a serious discussion around the football table. Some people truly believe they should be removed from the game, as they occasionally have the weight of the world on their shoulders at the end of a game in which they've played little or no part. Some people don't like that, personally I think it's a fine twist. Extra points are boring, so when one gets missed it's a cheap thrill. Three points can be enough of a difference maker that I like to see a guy try a 40+ yarder. I think they're a good element of the game. Like this talented but boring kid.

The point is, kickers have a lot to worry about. They have to worry about losing their jobs to Kathy Ireland in the movie Necessary Roughness. They have to worry about someone in the NFL realizing everyone in Europe and Latin America that was raised playing soccer is better at kicking than these American booters. They have to worry about getting stepped on and squished by a lineman or a defensive end. And now they have to worry about hot-dogging receivers stepping in and doing their job while they nurse, of all injuries, a strained groin.

I pity you, kickers. For while you can become heroes by winning Superbowls with last-second kicks, you can become the most despised, worthless, turd of a person if you miss. You're the most specialized, least athletic, tiniest players in the game, and it isn't your fault. Sure, you could have all become jockeys instead and looked less ridiculous by comparison, but you chose the NFL and that's just great. But you are very small. And we are all laughing at you.

Brett Favre: Underdouche

In a follow-up to the previous Brett Favre posting,  I found this chart online that sort of quantifies what has happened with this whole fake-out retirement saga the past couple of years. (click to enlarge)

As you can see, there was a dramatic spike beginning in 2007 in Favre's doucheocity quotient. This was calculated by taking a composite score of Favre's doucheocity based on his actions, measured against the statistical standard.  

The whole ordeal is lamentable for a guy who started out the way he did and who has overcome so much adversity in his personal life.  The worst part about the whole thing is that if you take these data and cross reference them with housing and stock market data during this time period there's a clear direct correlation between Favre's increasing doucheocity and the steep decline of the other two.  So, thanks for that Brett.  You've ruined everything.

For the Record, Brett Favre is Old

Clearly I'm missing something. It can't be that I'm correct and Favre shouldn't be playing anymore because there's too much effort to get him back on a team. I have to assume that more experienced people know better than I do and Brett isn't just a quarterback who is well past the twilight and settling into the 4pm dinner, in bed by 7:30 part of his career. Right? Did his recent surgery give him Rookie of the Year powers that only the Vikings know about? I really want to know what's going on. A 39 year old who holds the record for most INTs thrown just got signed for $10-12 million and I want to know WHAT THE F$%# IS GOING ON.

I love Brett Favre. The guy is charming and so fun to watch (up until the 4th quarter when he gets that glazed-over look in his eye and his decision making ability goes out the window). But so was Bobby Layne. Why don't you know who Bobby Layne is? Because he retired when he was supposed to, that's why.

To be fair, Brett Favre retired when he was supposed to, or at least started talking about it around the time he was supposed to. To be unfair, HE KEEPS COMING BACK. He is the horror story that coaches tell their young quarterbacks to scare them into shape. "Play well out there and don't dick around or Brett Favre will come and take your job." The last 4 years of his career have become a total farce. And that one season, that glorious, beautiful, should-have-gone-to-the-Superbowl-except-he-blew-it season, the one that would have been the perfect high note to leave on minus the part when he blew it, is why we're stuck with him retiring and un-retiring forever. I get it, he couldn't let his tremendous career end with an interception. Even though there really isn't a more fitting way it could have ended.

Didn't he push his luck by coming back last year? Wasn't that the extra season that the Powers That Be awarded him for being such a fun-loving guy? Doesn't he run a high risk of being actually pulverized by 22 year old, 260 pound with 1% body-fat linebackers? Maybe I'm the only one who thinks that. Apparently, according to the Vikings ownership, having an entitled old man make mistakes is better than starting a younger player who still has the ability to learn and get better. Brett Favre does not have that ability. His brain is made out of rocks.

I do wonder, as do all of you, and I'd love to hear from some Vikings fans on this, if all the Favre criticism and doubting just goes out the window when he comes to your team. I'm not entirely sure how I'd feel if it was the 49ers courting him right now. We've got quarterback issues, we could use some experience at that position, and Brett Favre has got over 50 years of professional experience. He's not a guy who polarizes a team the way Terrell Owens or Steve Smith do, so there isn't the fear of whether or not Favre will undo the locker room. The concern is just whether or not he can still play. From an outside perspective, it's seems like he's getting a little old to play at a high level. He's definitely still better than some of the QBs in the league, but he's a far cry from a guaranteed playoff birth. He also doesn't think rules apply to him anymore and is twice the age of all the other players in the league so we won't take criticism. And he's got this weird vendetta against the Packers, like they purposefully slighted him when they were just trying field a team while he whimpered about retirement. Hmmm. I'm really glad he's not going to the 49ers.

Brett Favre. He is not a quitter.

In the battle against time, we are all losers, or, an open letter to Jamie Moyer

Dear Jamie Moyer,

Come on.

I'm sorry, you feel "misled?" Kind of like the way you misled the Phillies into paying you 13 million dollars over 2 years by having a halfway decent season last year and now you suck? Oh, you're "really not happy with this decision that the Phillies have made?" Well, I'm sure the Phillies aren't happy with the fact that you suck. You're "not real excited?" Kind of like the entire Philadelphia fanbase anytime you start a game? Or throw a pitch? Because you suck?

Ok, ok, I understand you're like 86 years old and that should count for something, but hear me out: No it should not. There are lots of things that 86 year olds cannot and should not do, despite their many years of accumulating wisdom, experience, and creative racial slurs.

Yeah, you lead your team in wins. I guess that's cool. You also lead them in losses, so you've got that going for you. But factor in your team providing you with an average of 8.25 runs per game, which is the 4th highest in the NL among pitchers with at least 100 IP, and you realize how little any of that actually matters. You've made 9 quality starts out of 22. J.A. Happ, the young pup who it is insinuated, via your logic, should have been bumped from the rotation in favor of Jheri curled behemoth Pedro Martinez, has made 14 starts this year, 11 of which have been quality starts.

Maybe this is a relatively new development for a man of your distinguished 134 years of age, so I will spell it out plainly: Baseball is a game of performance, and when teams field their best players, it gives them the best chance to win. I know, it's pretty "out there" and "groovy," "man," but you surprisingly do not get extra points for having the oldest dude or the youngest dude, or the fattest dude, or the dude you can't believe went out in public like that. There is no "Days Alive" stat on the back of your 567 different baseball cards.

But you know what is on the back of that last card? Here, let me pull out your invisible baseball card that I don't own. Oh here. Let me flip this bad boy over. You still with me, Jamie? What? Oh fine, you can go to the bathroom.

...

...

Hey, welcome back. No, no problem, I understand. Incontinence comes for us all. Anyways, here it is: 5.47 ERA and 1.5 WHIP. Those are 2 real live stats that are on this made up baseball card of yours. That is bad. Those are the stats of a bad pitcher. You are a bad pitcher. There is nothing about this demotion that doesn't make sense, so stop - I'm not yelling. I'm not, I'm just speaking loudly. Ok, fine, I'll lower my voice. I get it, you're sensitive to loud things because you're old. Yes, that last bit was a little on the nose. No, I don't know how this started as a fake letter and turned into a fake speech delivered in person either. Your guess is as good as mine.

It'll give you something to think about while warming up during the 6th inning.

Oh Hey, Eagles, What's going onnNNOOOOOOOOO!!!

It's funny writing this article the day after Dilz's post about Vick because I'm of the same opinion that he should be, if not forgiven, at least allowed. I mean, if he's served the court's sentence, stopped doing terrible things, and starts serving the community since he knows he'll be crucified if he doesn't, what else can we ask of him? Unless he's going to prison forever, it's sorta dumb to not let him play football. Because that only leaves dog fighting as a vocation, and then we're just back where we started.

So I'm all for him being readmitted into the NFL. And I think the Eagles are big dumb morons for signing him.

Eagles, have you paid any attention to your quarterback environment over the last several seasons? Donnovan McNabb, one of the better QBs in the last decade, has been booed and jeered because he gets injured too much on account of playing really hard. He doesn't harm animals during his injury time and he's really good when he plays. He had a great finish to last season, getting his team into the playoffs and a game away from the Superbowl. He was rewarded with a nice contract extension, a sign that the organization recognized his work and wanted him to lead them forward. The Eagles had their longest controversy-free stretch in a few years, and then they signed an outlaw who plays the same position as McNabb.

How is this going to work? The fans will hate it, because Eagles fans love to hate things. McNabb will stand by Vick, because he's an admirable guy who knows that anyone and everyone is a better teammate than TO, and then Philadelphia will turn on him ex post facto as an accomplice to dog fighting. The city already half-hates coach Andy Reid, but he's such a boring guy that it's sort of a waste of time to dislike him. They can't hate Westbrook because he's too good, so it all falls almost exclusively on the quarterback, now quarterbacks. And when you've got PETA people and Eagle fans hating you, you've got no one.

From strictly a football standpoint, I like the move. McNabb, Vick and Westbrook make a terrifying backfield that would be nimble with two good arms. Defenses would try to prepare for a Wildcat type thing, but it would be such a QB-heavy version and the Eagles have such a solid group of receivers that the options would be sky high. Vick doesn't have to step in and be the leader, he gets to be a role player under less pressure (in theory) and less scrutinized (ha), and the team adds a weapon that had his ego killed in prison.

But, no, none of that matters, because it's just going to be a negative media circus fueled by fans that are excited to have a new grudge. Not a game will be televised without shots of the "Dogs are People, Too" and "Send Vick to the Pound" and "We'd Rather have Stallworth" posters that everyone will bring. Then angry Eagles fans will go home and pet their dogs and beat their wives and remember the good old days when mild-mannered Ron Jaworski was at the helm. It's not like Vick would have it easy with another team, but I really think Philly is a bottom five choice, just above Cleveland (the Dog Pound? No sir.) and the Vikings (instead of Favre you got this?). If he had gone to the Cowboys or the Raiders he would have been model citizen. Not just for the hoodlum players on both of those teams but for their deviant fan bases as well. Raider fans are dangerous people and you should call the authorities if you see one.

Vick's second chance sucks. It's probably how it should be, to really hammer home that he did something wrong. Philadelphia folks will make sure he's aware of that. I just hope they also notice when he completes his 40 trillion hours of community service and donates a third of what he makes to the humane society. But some lunatic will probably flood his house with ferocious pit bulls before Vick even takes a snap. Then, having nothing to do with all these pit bulls, the guy will start a dog fighting ring. He'll be conflicted but also addicted to the thrill. When he finally sees the terrible circle his life has completed, he'll rile up the pit bulls and turn them on himself. And that's the premise for my screenplay.

Michael Vick: (illegal)Underdog(fighting circuit)

But seriously, let's recap.  

Back in 2000 Ray Lewis was arrested and faced trial for his (alleged) role in the killing of two dudes, but got off by testifying against his friends.  He faced zero repercussions from the NFL.  The circumstances were fishy.  The Fulton County DA at the time said the truth had been "shielded."

Travis Henry, former NFL running back and general sleazeball, was arrested for his involvement in dealing cocaine in 2008.  He also has nine children by nine different mothers. The situation is a little different in that he was actually cut from the Broncos before he got arrested for the drug dealing, but it was only 4 months after being cut, so I think we can assume he was doing it while he was still playing.

Brandon Marshall is pro-domestic abuse and has a court date himself.  Not to mention his possible role in that weird Javon Walker beating outside the nightclub in Vegas last year.  Then there's Pac-Man (linking unnecessary) and Terry Glenn and...like 2000 other guys who have been arrested for various offenses.  Fresh in all our minds is the Donte Stallworth scenario, where he drove drunk and killed a guy.  He was apologetic and honest and took it like a man, but he's technically only suspended for 1 season, and the coverage of this incident is bordering on sympathetic.  

Anyways, the point I'm getting at is in a league with a ton of thugs, murderers, sleazeoids, drug dealers, cheaters, etc. can't we ease off Michael Vick a little?  What he did was disturbing and he deserved to get punished, but let's be honest: does it compare to killing a guy or having nine kids with nine different women and not paying for them...and being a drug dealer too?  Vick went to actual prison and was completely BANKRUPTED.  I think he's paid his debt, and I hope some team signs him as a punt-returner/situational back - if he can still cut it.  To be fair, the talking heads on ESPN and other sports media have been expressing that sentiment, but you know that people from PETA are going to be showing up at games with ridiculous signs and causing a raucous.  Just another example of misplaced priorities in our society. 

 

Underacheiver: Jason Schmidt

"Hey, how's that huge contract with Zito working out? Hey, Zito still making $126 million to sit in
the bullpen? Hey, Giants still sucking while Zito sucks you dry?"

HEY DODGER FANS, HOW'D THAT 3 YEAR, $47 MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT WITH SCHMIDT WORK OUT? FEEL LIKE HIS 3-8 RECORD AND 2 YEARS ON THE DL WAS WORTH THE BUY? HAPPY YOU STOLE HIM FROM US NOW?

Oh man. I am the bitterest. I hate that I'm writing this because I used to be such a Jason Schmidt fan. You know, before he became evil and then karma ate his arm muscles.

For those of you unaware, it's looking more and more like 36 year-old Jason Schmidt's career might be over. He signed with the Dodgers in December of 2006, pitched a few so-so games, and then had been injured for over two years before coming back to play four games this season and then again doing something screwy to his shoulder and heading back to the DL. As much as I hate the Dodgers, and I hate them with all my available hatred, it's pretty sad to see a guy's career go down the tubes like this.

But then again, it makes me feel SO much better about my Barry Zito situation. Zito signed with the Giants for an infinite amount of money for 6 or 7 years (I can't remember the length of the contract because after his first two God-awful seasons I was sure he'd be murdered before the contract expired) and now, in his third year in SF, he might have his first winning season with the club. His game has changed a little, he's a lot more consistent, and while he still isn't worth the contract he signed (no one is worth the contract he signed), it doesn't look like the assassination is going to happen. So to have Zito playing well as Schmidt sails into oblivion is grossly satisfying. It's going to make it that much sweeter when I wear my Jason Schmidt Giants jersey to Dodger Stadium. As Dodger fans shank me and call me names, I'll know it was right not to re-sign Schmidt.

It's been quite a roller coaster with these guys. While the Giants initially crippled themselves hugely with Zito's contract, the Dodgers signed Schmidt to a very reasonable and respectable deal. Now, however, we find the Giants with a far better pitching situation than the Dodgers, and a measly 7 games back in the NL West. So, from my perspective, looking through a very small window and only from a certain angle and only when it's dark, and it helps that I'm not wearing my glasses, and I just went swimming in a really chlorinated pool and I didn't have goggles, it looks like the Giants really came out ahead on this one. They're probably gonna win the World Series. That's just the way things seem to lining up right now. And you can bet that Dodger fans will look back on Schmidt's fall from grace and that 2006 trade and think, "We are just a dumb bunch of idiot jerks who make terrible decisions and do terrible things and should not be allowed in bars or out after 8pm. We're just awful." And Giants fans will think, "Yup, you guys are simply the worst kind of people. Terrifically horrible." And Barry Zito will be the World Series MVP. And the Golden State Warriors are going to the playoffs next year. And everyone agrees on health care reform. And lots of people are reading this post. Glorious.

The Other (Under)A-Rod

Andy Roddick met Juan Martín del Potro in the championship match of the Legg Mason Classic yesterday. I caught most of the 2nd set and, as usual, I was rooting for the supercharged Roddick to beat the effete foreigner in the muggy Mid-Atlantic afternoon. The heat typically works to Roddick’s advantage and the announcers were quick to recall del Potro’s complete withering in the oven-like haze of the Australian Open earlier this year. Things looked good for a while; Roddick won the first set and then came back to tie the second at 5-5 before eventually dropping it 7-5 and ultimately succumbing to del Potro in a tightly contested third. Despite this loss Roddick is playing great tennis right now and must have high hopes for the upcoming U.S. Open.

Roddick’s career has been an atypical one. Usually by the time tennis players hit their late twenties (Roddick turns 27 at the end of the month) they’re transitioning their way out of the game, or trying to hang on by re-inventing their game to adjust for diminished athleticism or a few lost MPH on their serve. Not in Roddick’s case, though. He is literally getting better with age.

He burst onto the tennis scene 9 years ago and won the U.S. Open in 2003. The press, with its love for hyperbole, quickly dubbed the hard-serving 21 year-old the heir apparent to Pete Sampras and forecast multiple Grand Slam titles in the coming years. Things didn’t play out that way, and American men’s tennis has languished in general.

In 2008 Roddick made the decision to re-commit himself to his fitness and develop more variety in his game. After some tinkering he settled into a groove and started improving his results. He shed 15 pounds and has worked on his volleying as well as his game at the net. It has paid dividends in 2009, as evidenced by trips to at least the semifinals in 8 of the 11 tournaments he’s played and a career-best 4th round finish at the French Open.

But there remains one hurdle that Roddick appears destined to never overcome…one giant, cuckoo clock and hot chocolate loving hurdle named Roger Federer. The Sports Guy Bill Simmons and author Malcolm Gladwell had an online debate a while back about how the boxer Larry Holmes had the misfortune of coming along at the same time as Ali, Frazier and Foreman. He had no say in being overshadowed by these icons of the sport and it altered how his career unfolded.

The same can be said for Andy Roddick. Federer and Rafael Nadal have altered the course of Roddick’s career. Roddick is a combined 4-24 against these two juggernauts, but the lionshare of his futility is attributable to Federer, against whom Roddick is a frustrating 2-19. Their epic match at this year’s Wimbledon was demonstrative of Federer’s dominance. Roddick played about as well as he possibly could have – his downfall being the inability to break Federer’s serve and put him away.

Roddick’s relentlessly aggressive style and vicious serve alone can be enough to defeat most of his opponents (given the surplus of softie Euros on the tour). Federer just simply seems to have his number. He is the complete package: adaptive, other worldly talented, agile, versatile, smart. It is Nadal who has emerged as Federer’s foil – the one player who can seemingly get under Federer’s skin and gain a mental advantage in big matches. Nadal is the evolution of Andy Roddick – same relentless style and tireless approach, along with a monster serve of his own, but coupled with a Federer-like knack for shotmaking and strategic nuance that Roddick oftentimes still seems to lack. Roddick thrives off his ability to impose his will on his opponent and break him mentally, forcing him into making mistakes. He is unable to do this to Federer, and is not versatile enough to outplay him.

Nevertheless, Roddick seems to be improving in his 9th year in spite of the number of miles he’s put on his body. His favorite tournament on his favorite surface is approaching. The U.S. Open looms as an opportunity for Roddick to prove his meddle and show off the newfound flexibility in his game. I will be rooting for him to make the finals and to meet his arch-nemesis Roger Federer there. And I will be rooting for Andy to win, as always, as a reward for his hard work and dedication to greatness, which he could have easily foreswore long ago. He is a role model for American tennis players, and I hope his work ethic and sense of pride will inspire more young American boys to pick up rackets.

Underdirtdogs

I woke up this morning, inhaled deeply, and took stock of my life. All caught up on Dawson's Creek, hippest show on TV? Check. Awesome New Radicals single occupying the first spot on my latest mix tape? Oh yes. Tickets to see The Phantom Menace at midnight in a couple weeks? How dare you suggest I wasn't first in line, sir. How dare you.

I grabbed the latest print edition of my favorite newspaper and made a beeline for the sports section, flipping hurriedly to the baseball box scores. Ah yes, here we are, Yankees - Red Sox. Another ass drubbing, natch. 4 game sweep? You betcha. But wait - who is this manning first base? This isn't Jose Offerman, the AMAZING prodigal talent we replaced Mo Vaughn with. Pedroia? Youkilis? Where is Jeff Frye? Darren Bragg? MY WORLD IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL.

Ok, enough of that. It's not 1999, but it certainly seems like it these days for Sox fans. I know I'm not going to get a lot of sympathy here, nor do I really deserve it; 2 World Series championships in 4 years during the greatest stretch in Boston sports history strangely hasn't seemed to endear us to outsiders. I get it, I really do. But what a shock to the system to be pummeled back to earth so swiftly: an 8-14 record since the All Star break will do that, especially when the last 4 losses, all in a row, came to the hated Yankees, a team of villains that we had apparently solved already this year. Adam Kilgore at the Globe has compiled a succinct list of Sox related maladies and travesties that I would be hard pressed to top, or read all the way through again without tearing up. It's felt like "the old days" again recently - the ultimate underdogs, scraping and scrapping for every run, and failing to do so for 31 innings. Thirty one. Think about that for awhile. That's a run for every Baskin Robbins flavor. Futility, thy name is Boston's BA with RISP. And that's a shitty name. Much too wordy.

Friday night's game, which we lost in epic fashion, taking a full 15 innings to be ultimately disemboweled by a 2 run dinger hit by, of all people, Alex Rodriguez, was the kind of game that used to be the norm. The kind of gut wrenching, ball twisting, brow furrowing game that sent us home from bars numb and angry and confused, wondering how we would ever care again, how we could come back the next day or the next week or the next year when the result would just be the same. (And it was, more or less.) It was the kind of game you look back on in October and say to yourself, "That's where it unraveled."

So here we are, battling the Rays and Rangers for the wild card spot. If you told me either of those teams would be relevant to a playoff race 10 years ago, I would have laughed in your face and slowly wheeled you back to the psychiatric institution I must have been volunteering at. But it is what it is. Sports is cyclical, no? And in a way, it's comforting to know that I still have it in me to wail and gnash my teeth and moan that the sky is falling after a relatively minor losing streak in the middle of summer, in a decade where my always competitive baseball team has already won 2 big banners.

At least I still care. Sometimes that's the only thing we underdogs can hang on to.

Miami Dolphins: Underporpoises

I think the AFC East might be up for grabs in '09. And I'm pulling for those slippery little fish mammals to get it.

I'm sure the New England Pooptriates are the consensus favorite and I get that. Their handsome, non-controversial, good at football, butt-chinned QB is coming back (for the record, I was very distraught when Brady's knee exploded in the first game last season. I don't wish injuries on anyone, especially those in which I have a vested fantasy football interest). I also get that the Patriots were really close to making the playoffs last year. And the Dolphins weren't so much good good as they were weird good. I understand all those arguments. Now let me present mine:

Dan Marino was great.

I raise an interesting point: Dan Marino. Chad Pennington is not as good as Dan Marino. But no one has a more Dan Marino-sized chip on their shoulder than Chad Pennington. I think Pennington lost, regained, then again lost the starting job every single day of his 8-year Jets career. He set a world record in getting shafted. So last year he signs with the fish and all of a sudden he's on a division-winning team. AND he beats the Jets in the final regular season game to get the Dolphins into the playoffs. Sweet, sweet ironic poetry that ousts the Patriots from the post-season.

Naturally, the Dolphins played grossly and we're sent packing in the first week of the playoffs. But they made it, and I have reason to think they can make it again. You'll have to continue waiting for the reason why I think that.

Here's why I think the Patriots will not win their division. Tom Brady is great and will surely have a better season than last year (7 for 11 with 76 yards), but he won't be as good as the year before (a million for a million with a passer rating of solid gold). Taking a year off is a weird thing for any professional athlete, especially a QB. It'll be a little more difficult for Brady to get on the same page as his receivers, it'll be nearly impossible for him to throw touchdown passes now that Mike Vrabel is gone, and it should not be overlooked that he's put so many hours into rehabbing his knee that he barely had the time to get another girl pregnant. Not to mention that Tom's hiatus came on the heels of the most spectacular regular season which preceded the most tremendous Super Bowl upset, so the expectations are a little wonky. And that's just Brady. I won't even get into the problems with the rest of the team (they don't have many). Meanwhile (here comes the reason!), the Dolphins are the exact same division-winning team from last season plus some very positive, while not glamorous, additions. They strengthened the O line, at no point did they take the starting job away from Pennington, and I haven't heard a single word about Ricky Williams smoking opium during the off-season. They also play in Miami and it's so tropical there. Just look at this guy's sunburn.

In the interest of full disclosure, I don't know what I'm talking about. I haven't even looked at the two teams' schedules for the '09 season. But sometimes you just have to go on a hunch. If you have a hunch that Ronnie Brown will be awesome again, Chad Pennington will play better than Chad Pennington, and Pat White will be a good version Kordell Stewart, then you are free to make that claim in your blog. If I end up being right, I'm a hero. If I'm wrong, this post gets deleted and you will have no proof. If you think this is a stupid article that's founded on uninformed BS, please make a comment. Then we'll all know that you're a front-runner and you have no place in Underdogland.

The last thing that I will say in defense of my Miami Dolphin argument is that they are due. They are due, not to win a Superbowl, but to maybe get two division titles in a row. And the Patriots, they are no longer due. They are done. They did it. Congrats to them. Now they can stop. Boo Patriots.

What The F, Cubs Fans?

Did I miss something? The Cubs haven’t even APPEARED in the World Series since 1945 when they lost to the Tigers (who featured a guy named Dizzy Trout), right? Not to mention everyone on the North Side should be feeling the fresh sting of getting swept in the NLDS each of the past two seasons. So….why do Cubs fans act like they’re riding the wave of some glorious winning tradition?

Let’s take a look at the future the Cubs are looking at. Ownership made the reckless decision to commit to a strict "win-now" mentality after the 2003 NLCS, and as a result, they have the #26 ranked farm system in the majors. Not ideal for turning over an aging roster over the next 4-5 years while remaining competitive in a big market with a high payroll. In other news, GM Jim Hendry is possibly the worst GM in the league. His moves this past offseason continue to relentlessly assault the concept of reason.

He failed to upgrade the rotation, and then gave out that indefensible - and untradeable - contract to Ryan Dempster. The team has virtually the same rotation that has collectively shit the bed in the playoffs the past two seasons. (Side note: I love that they traded Jason Marquis to Colorado, and he’s 12-7 with a 3.49 ERA on August 7th. Back in the Windy City, Ted Lilly is on the DL and the rubber bands that hold Rich Harden’s skeleton together are beginning to wear thin from all the pitching he’s done so far this season.)

But the real travesty is what they did with the offense. What has happened to Soto isn’t Hendry’s fault (as far as we know, unless he’s also his weed dealer and chiropractor), and apparently they hired a Santeria shaman to re-animate Derrek Lee’s corpse about a month ago. That was a shrewd move; I'll give him that one.

That being said, he’s made a high percentage of atrocious moves. First, he traded a valuable non-superstar glue guy in Mark DeRosa for 4000 rosen bags and a popcorn machine. I believe the odds of DeRosa hitting a 3-run walk-off homer to win a 1-game playoff for the 2009 NL Central crown are about 5/2 right now. It’s coming, Cubs fans, and you know it. And how do you fill that hole and add an impact bat simultaneously? Exactly, by NOT signing Milton Bradley. Oh wait, they got that one backwards.

You know, Adam Dunn and his 40 homeruns were available. Bobby Abreu with however many 2009 AL MVP votes he’ll end up getting was available as well. And as an added bonus, neither of these guys is a "disease of a human being" as my friend Brad put it. I’m just surprised Bradley and Zambrano haven’t gotten into a knife fight yet on the team plane.

I really can't get over the whole Milton Bradley thing. Seriously? You let this happen, Cub fans? The guy is MEDIOCRE and he's absolutely crazy!! You were excited about this??? And where was the local media? Enjoying the “magic of Wrigley Field” and starfucking everyone who came to sing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” and writing surreal columns like this.

Cubs fans, your organization is a travesty and you don't even notice. You walk around proudly out here in L.A. in your Cubs gear like you're part of some elite fraternity of successful sports franchises. I don't get it. Where's the criticism? Where’s the pushing ownership/management to make the team better? You have a pink-hat nation without having won anything to get it. It’s like you’re just copying how Phillies fans act NOW when you should be copying how they were acting for the previous 28 years.

Baltimore Orioles: Underbirds.

Last night's Orioles vs. Tigers game really got me. It really made me want to find and hug an Orioles fan. But just a little, quick hug. I wouldn't want them sobbing on my shoulder all night and getting me all snotty.

It wasn't the worst beat of all time. It was just another walk-off home run loss, the worst kind of loss, but a loss that happens to everyone. The reasons I found it so sad were a) it's the Orioles, and b) they must have really thought they were going to win.

The Os scored 5 runs off of Justin Verlander in the 1st inning. To show you how awesome that is, here's a clip from Verlander's '07 no-hitter. But to start that hot, in a game they had probably already marked in the loss column, and then watch the lead slowly trickle away until a walk-off home run in the 9th, that's just the worst. That's Oilers vs. Bills '93. On a really small scale.

I don't think this loss would hurt as much if it were another team. The Orioles have a special situation that is the most painful, tear-inducing situation in baseball. They have a worse situation than the Nationals, and the Nationals are just gross. The Orioles have the terrible misfortune of being in the AL East. Many, many times throughout the course of the season, they have to go play the Red Sox, the Yankees, the Rays, and the Blue Jays. Those four teams combined have scored over 250 more runs than the combined teams in the NL East that the Nats have to face. What's an Orioles fan to do? You're gonna lose, like, 60 games a year within your division. That's not fun. That's just losing.

So while the Nationals are by far the worst team in baseball, maybe the worst team in any sport, arguably the worst thing in America, they get to play a handful of other teams that are underachieving. They're the team that is hardly a team, more of a novelty item, while the Mets are the real jerk-offs for not getting it done with their high payroll and talent. The Nationals at least have the option to bask in the shadow of more substantial failures than themselves.

Not the Orioles. They just get to try and try and try and never be good enough. They are forever the Cinderella team, but in the 162 game baseball season, being a Cinderella team doesn't work out. You get 15 upset victories and still finish 20 games under .500. It sucks.

I'm sorry Orioles fans. I really am. There's nothing you can do. You can buy Matt Wieters jerseys, and that's very sweet that you've all done that, but you can't go to the playoffs. If you show up for the playoffs, you will not be let in. But you should feel free to take the Nationals out to the park and run circles around them while they drool and try not to topple over. That's fine.

49er QB Debate Like Selling Farts to a Flower

That title is nonsensical and good.


Recent 49er history in brief: 2002 they're ok, 2003 they're bad, 2004 they're almost the Detroit Lions, 2005 they draft Alex Smith. New era. 2005 they're bad, 2006 they're better, 2007 they're seen talking with the Lions at the water cooler, 2008 they turn things around after a 2-7 start and are a week 10 Frank Gore stumble away from making the playoffs. So it looks like Alex Smith is starting to take this team in the right direction. Hm? Oh, he sat out the entire '08 season? Oh, he's 11-19 in his 4-year career? I see, you're saying his career is shot and it's Mike Nolan's fault but nevermind that what's important is that he's done as a Niner? So then Shaun Hill, the guy who actually won those games last year, is starting this season? No? He and Alex Smith are battling for the job? But what about everything you just said, Captain WTF? You're just telling me what you know, got it. Ok.

The current 9er QB situation can best be compared to a poker player who won't fold. Because they drafted Alex Smith in '05 instead of Aaron Rogers like I KEPT TELLING THEM TO DO FROM MY LIVING ROOM, and then signed Smith to a contract equal to what the entire country of Nigeria was awarded from the Global Fund to fight the AIDS virus, it would be foolish and loser-like to just let another, cheaper, less depressing QB take the helm, right? No. Wrong. Bad poker. You lose all your money.

Now, in spite of everything written to this point, I don't hate Alex Smith. The guy has had it rough, and my biggest problem with him is just that I wanted to draft the other guy in '05. But I do want him to do well. My fantasy is that Smith wins the job and goes Kurt Warner '99 on the NFC West. I'm sure that's every 9er fan's dream. But if Smith starts, we go 1-5, then Hill takes over and finishes the season 7-9, I'll have no option but to do a ton of murdering. And the team's track record over the last 6 years makes it a little hard to trust a QB change right now. Let the guy lose first. If all the team has been doing for 6 seasons is losing, and a guy comes along and wins a little, why do you pull him?


So that Alex Smith can be Super Bowl MVP. That's why.


That's the fantasy talking. Here's the thing, and it's one of the big reasons, I think, that losers keep losing. Teams that are stuck in a losing trend often times adopt what I call a "totally cracked-out" method of managing. They do everything within their power to shake things up and be different, hoping that one of the new variations will lead to not being bad. It's what the SF Giants have done the last few terrible seasons, and a little this season, with their sub-par batting order. They move it around so much that no one ever gets a consistent spot and the batting stays bad. It's what the Clippers have done with trades, giving up necessary pieces for appealing pieces and finding themselves no better off than before the trade. It's hard to blame these teams, the fan base would flip if they didn't try to do something. But the manic player shuffle doesn't work very often. A better option is to DRAFT AARON ROGERS. Or just let Frank Gore line up as QB so we can run that wacky Wildcat formation and make cool videos like this.

In short, I'd like to see the guy with a winning record play. But I don't know as much as the guys inside the 49er organization (right? RIGHT??). So pick a guy, SF, let us know who it's gonna be, and then we can all start hoping you didn't blow it. Again.