Kickers: Underpeople

They always look silly, don't they?

It was only a preseason game, so some of you might not yet know about wide-receiver Chad Ochocinco's extra point kick against the Patriots last night. Here's a link to the video so you can see how non-spectacular yet post worthy it was. Regular kicker Shane Graham had a pulled groin muscle and it was an exhibition game, so Chad got the call. And he nailed it, great PAT, split the uprights, just a textbook kick. As if kickers weren't already low enough on the Totem Pole.

They are the butt of all football jokes. Kickers, aside from Sebastian Janikowski, are always the smallest guys on the sideline, sitting around through 95% of the game, coming out occasionally to score one point, kick off, or kick a 3-point attempt if they're lucky. God forbid a kick return makes it through the first line of defense and the kicker has to make a tackle (unless it's Janikowski). When they make a field goal, it's nothing to write home about because it's the only thing they do. When they miss, they're bad at the only thing they do. If they start to think they're important and talk a little trash, they get put back in their place at the kids' table. I mean, come on, the bad guy in Ace Ventura is a retired kicker who missed a big kick. They just have it the worst.

The role of the kicker has become a serious discussion around the football table. Some people truly believe they should be removed from the game, as they occasionally have the weight of the world on their shoulders at the end of a game in which they've played little or no part. Some people don't like that, personally I think it's a fine twist. Extra points are boring, so when one gets missed it's a cheap thrill. Three points can be enough of a difference maker that I like to see a guy try a 40+ yarder. I think they're a good element of the game. Like this talented but boring kid.

The point is, kickers have a lot to worry about. They have to worry about losing their jobs to Kathy Ireland in the movie Necessary Roughness. They have to worry about someone in the NFL realizing everyone in Europe and Latin America that was raised playing soccer is better at kicking than these American booters. They have to worry about getting stepped on and squished by a lineman or a defensive end. And now they have to worry about hot-dogging receivers stepping in and doing their job while they nurse, of all injuries, a strained groin.

I pity you, kickers. For while you can become heroes by winning Superbowls with last-second kicks, you can become the most despised, worthless, turd of a person if you miss. You're the most specialized, least athletic, tiniest players in the game, and it isn't your fault. Sure, you could have all become jockeys instead and looked less ridiculous by comparison, but you chose the NFL and that's just great. But you are very small. And we are all laughing at you.