Baseball Money Phillies Lee #!@$!$!@#!

At some point, someone is supposed to stand up and say, "Enough is enough." But I think that was supposed to happen several hundred thousand million dollars ago.

The Phillies have bought all the best pitchers. But they only did it because the Yankees were trying to do it, and the Yankees HAD to try to do it because they didn't go to the World Series this year even with a payroll upwards of what it would cost to build a high speed train to the fucking moon, so not buying the most expensive player wasn't an option. The Red Sox took it easy and got 2 guys that need 20 million annually, the Nationals thought it looked fun so they spent far more than they earn in ticket sales on a guy in his 30s, and surely the Angels will overpay someone before Spring to prove that they can sign checks too. Meanwhile, the Giants offered World Series MVP Edgar Renteria a 1-year contract worth... 1 million dollars.

It's crazy. These contracts that the big market teams are offering are certifiably insane. But $100 million for 5-years is fast becoming the rule rather than the exception, and that's why Grandpa Jeter is upset that the Yankees didn't want to pay him through his 50th birthday.

I had hoped the Giants would become one of these deep-pocketed teams. I thought a World Series Title would bring us gobs of money to throw at Carl Crawford who would say, "Play for the Giants? Of course I will, you're the best!" And that's pretty much what happened. Carl Crawford may have gone to the Red Sox for $142 million, but we signed Miguel Tejada to a one year deal for 6.5 million dollars, and he's 36! Crawford's only 29! Miguel Tejada is 7 years better than Carl Crawford!

This post isn't as whiny/despondent/pathetic as a lot/all of the other posts, because finance is an excuse-makers' best friend. Most teams can't keep up with the Yankees and Red Sox. Plain and simple, they don't have the capital. And that's a valid argument. "Of course we didn't win. We didn't buy 95 victories" and blah blah blah. It's not a fun argument to make, but it holds water. And when the poor team does win, when the Giants' draft picks and farm system and Barry Zito's 126 million dollar riding-the-bench-behind do win the World Series, it's because we're totally and undeniably awesome and the Phillies and Dodgers are a bunch of chumps.

To a certain degree, I love that other teams will drop a billion dollars bringing in All Stars from a rival club. It leaves the guys who are still trying to earn their money for the rest of us. At the same time, the Red Sox signing Crawford and Adrian Gonzales seems a little bit like cheating. And the Phillies rotation having Halladay, Oswalt, Hamels and now f***ing Cliff Lee seems a LOT like cheating. And the Yankees are cheaters in that they cheat and are cheats.

At the end of the day, I don't hate that the payroll discrepancy makes Major League Baseball outlandishly lopsided at times, these owners are just doing business. But I do think a limit to how much the players get paid wouldn't be a bad thing. Sure, there would be a season or two of Alex Rodriquez crying into his crystal goblets and then taking his yacht out for a day on the water to clear his head before taking his helicopter somewhere out over the Atlantic to dump all his old money that's starting to smell because he's a MILLIONAIRE TIMES ONE HUNDRED. But after that, I think guys would start to realize that $5 mil a year is going to be enough to get by. And then maybe, just maybe, good players would go to less rich teams because they want to play and live in San Francisco because it's truly a wonderful city with a great ballpark and a lot genuinely good people.

NFC West: UnderDoggy Day Care

When I was a kid, I found the Bermuda Triangle really interesting. I loved that things happened in this particular area that couldn't be explained and some of the stories I read would blame aliens. I was intrigued by the mystery, the crazy puzzle the scientists couldn't solve. The NFC West is exactly the same as the Bermuda Triangle.

They're practically identical. The NFC West is similarly mysterious and has the same problem with people disappearing. There are questions about the NFC West that no one can answer, such as, who will win the division? Who is the Cardinals Quarterback? Do the other Divisions know about the NFC West? And perhaps the most otherworldly thing about this division is that the four teams, teams that would not necessarily win against Division II college teams, all have a shot at making the playoffs.

Yay 49ers! We're still in it! We started 0-5, gave the 1-8 Carolina Panthers their only win to drop to 1-6, and now at 3-6 we're just two games out of first place! And, the best part is, the teams we're chasing are just as bad as we are! Anything is possible in NFC West Bermuda Square of crap teams!

I just talked to a friend who's a Bears Fan and, at 7-3, he doesn't feel at all confident about his team winning the division. He's got the Packers nipping at his heels and the other teams, while not playoff candidates, make the Bears' schedule tough. The Lions could (and did) beat them, and the Vikings can... I have no clue how to describe the Vikings. Good? Bad? Creepy Uncle? The point is, other divisions have multiple teams with winning records, and being 4 games above .500 means nothing. But here in the West, sitting at a sickly 3-6, my 49ers are in the effing hunt! If we can beat the Bucs this weekend, something that grown-up teams would consider very doable, we could be a game out! The Seahawks play the Saints, the Rams play the Falcons, and the Cardinals play the Chiefs! Those are all grown-up teams! All the other bastard redhead teams in the West should lose!

It gets to a point where you don't even want your horrible team to be better than the other horrible teams. If we win the division, we have to go to the playoffs, and in the playoffs, we get MURDERED. I mean, sure, it's sports, anything can happen, except for the team that emerges from the NFC West winning a playoff game. That's a statistical impossibility. Just look at this graph.

Being the cream of the loser crop isn't impressive. It just means you get a lower draft pick, and a few years down the road you can talk about making it to the playoffs in 2010 and hope that no one has any followup questions. Other than that, you're still poop. And I don't care. I want my poop to be the best.

The 49ers have a tremendous handicap in that they play in the West and the division is spectacularly bad. Even given this handicap, they pretty much have to win out to go to the playoffs which is ridiculous (and, I will argue if they win the division, nullifies the handicap. I'm very smart). Their season, by any other divisional standards, would be completely over. But if they beat the Bucs, I get to start thinking about playoffs. Take that, Raiders, Texans, Jaguars, Redskins, Dolphins, Bucs and Saints and other such teams with better records but stronger divisions! You guys are total losers!

SF Giants: Under(Dog)mining Themselves

If you want to talk about a team undermining their own accomplishments, you're not going to find a better picture than this shot of Barry Zito, who's pitching really well this year, but apparently accepted the position of Captain on the Douche Squad. Not totally relevant, but f*** me, that's a boner of a photo.

The Giants started out the season 6-1 or something awesome. Then they stopped hitting the baseball and lost a few. Won a few, lost some, did little more than watch the Padres play around them and now find themselves in 3rd or 4th place in a so-so division. Perhaps the saddest part is that it's hard to complain this year because we're actually above .500. Currently.

Why is he leaning on a guitar? Jesus.

Anyway, it's been more of the same with the Giants for so long (top notch pitching, nauseatingly bad hitting) that it's not so much a problem anymore, it's a style of play. It's an identity. They are the team that pitches lights out and averages 4 hits a game. It's part of the game plan, it dictates the order of the lineup, and probably has reached the point where they won't draft hitters. They will avoid signing a big bat for the next few years so that they don't lose their flow. Their shitty, incapable, offensively-dwarfed flow. Also, they need guys that can sing along while Zito plays the acoustic version of "Layla" in the locker room. Does he even play the guitar?

I mean, we just signed Pat Burrell. And I'm sort of excited about it, which is gross. When another team releases a guy because he's old and not producing and then your team signs him, you shouldn't be thrilled. But that's the Giants' version of bringing in a "bat," a guy that can hit homers sometimes but most of the time will not but the "threat" is there. Hey, Giants? Until he hits his 2nd homerun with the club, the "Burrell Threat" is going to stay at really light yellow. Meanwhile, Buster "The Lord Our God" Posey is batting, like, .900 and has about 3 RBIs because there's never anyone on base ahead of him.

Long and short of it, when your pitcher only gives up one or two runs, you should feel good about your chances of winning, and I don't. When the first two batters of an inning reach base, you shouldn't think, "these guys are not making it home," and that's my immediate thought. And when you have men on 2nd ad 3rd with one out, it shouldn't be possible for your leading RBI man Juan Uribe to hit into a double play, and yet it's oddly expected. But, to be fair, it can be distracting when the count is 2-2 and you hear Barry Mraz Zito tuning his axe in the dugout. His hair is really perfectly wind-blown in the picture.

Hair of the Underdog: KU and Racer 5 IPA

Well, it's been a week since the Kansas Jayhawks shit the bed against the Northern Iowa Butt Pirates, and I think I'm finally ready to talk about what I used to try and kill myself after watching KU fall apart and ruin my life.

Some people don't like IPAs because of the bitter, hoppy flavor, but I just love them. The hoppiness gives the beer a little floral hint and sometimes just a touch of fruit. This particular IPA, the Racer 5 from the Bear Republic Brewery in Healdsburg, CA, has a bold flavor with traces of grapefruit. I find hoppy beers like this one to be very refreshing after you've yelled yourself hoarse because your team can't make free-throws in the final two minutes.

Also making this beer a winner is its high alcohol content but with little alcoholic flavor like you get with some other beers that are around 7%. This helps for continued enjoyment while you drink away the memory of the bullshit that transpired earlier. It also means you don't need to drink as many, though what does it really matter when your team is the overall favorite and still can't get to the Sweet 16?

Racer 5 is available in many grocery stores, but if you have the opportunity I highly recommend visiting the actualy brewery in Northern California. Healdsburg is a delightful little town and the brewery serves delicious burgers to go along with their giant pitchers of beer. They even have TVs, so you can watch University of Northern Iowa basketball games. Oh, they're never televised? I guess they aren't really that good a team. But Healdsburg is gorgeous during the spring and summer and it's in the heart of the Sonoma County wine country, giving one the option to continue drinking if several pints of Racer 5 isn't enough to erase the image of the 7-foot tall Jordan Eglseder proudly tugging on his UNI jersey while Jayhawk players lay on the court crying. But we can talk about wine when baseball season starts.

Underwhelmed: The 2009 New York Giants

This was a difficult season to stomach as a Giants fan. Bright spots: Eli had his best statistical season of his career. That’s about it. In fact, that is it. Overall there was simply a lack of confidence oozing from the pores of every player on the team. The only part of the squad that thrived was the passing game, and there’s definitely reason to be optimistic about the future with this young, athletic playmaking receiving corps.

Something to build on, but there’s lots of building to do. Their special teams are AWFUL. They need to completely start over. They were top 5 in fair catches, 14^th (out of 16) in the NFC in kick-off return average and dead last in the NFC in net punt yards. Just atrocious. Cut Hixon altogether, find a punter who was born this century, and overpay (if you must) to get a kicker in whom we all can have even a modicum of confidence to hit a field goal over 38 yards. If you look at the stats Tynes wasn’t that bad, but…that’s news to me. This one in particular still stings. Plus I feel confident in making a million dollar bet with him that he can't kick a touchback. Just one Larry? Please?

I need to take a minute to focus on Hixon. I wish I had a youtube compilation video of his repeated, zero-threat kick and punt returns. I mean, I know he returned a kick for a TD this season, but big deal. He basically got lucky. Somebody fell down or something. He has this wildly undeserved reputation. He’s nearly as bad as a receiver. He doesn’t come back to the ball, is one of the least physical wide-outs I’ve ever seen…ugh. Get him out of my face.

As far as defense goes, there are two universal keys to success in the NFL: pressure the QB and create turnovers. In a league where there’s so much talent on the offensive side of the ball – even on mediocre teams – you need to do at least one of those two things really well if you want to go far. The Giants’ team sack totals the last three seasons are as follows: 53, 42, 32. Uh-oh. And they ended the ’09 season with a -5 turnover differential. Formula for losing right there. They’ve got some pieces they can build around (healthy Tuck, Ross, Phillips, Webster, Boley, Goff, Kiwanuka) though, so it's not a complete demo job.

I’ve got a radical idea for how they can jumpstart the franchise for next season. I’m not a college football expert by any means, but I’ve seen this kid from Nebraska Ndamukong Suh. The kid is a sure thing. He’s an unrelenting beast. If you’re the Giants, why not try to trade up for the number 1 pick and draft him? Call up the Rams, offer them Osi Umenyiora and your 1^st round pick, and give them something to think about. If you were the Rams wouldn’t you do that deal? You end up with a first-round pick, plus a proven defensive player that just needs a change of scenery. Plus Spagnuolo has a relationship with him already.

I think that’s a good deal. It breathes some life into the defensive line without shaking it up too much. I didn’t even get into the running game here, but I think it was just kind of a fluky season. Wouldn’t hurt to draft some re-enforcements, though. They’ve got the resources and competent enough management. I'm looking forward to 2010.

Beyond Underdogs: The Whale's Vagina Padres

Calling them the “Whale’s Vagina Padres” is neither here nor there; I just wanted to be splashy. Anyways, it’s a good thing no one in San Diego knows the Padres are still there because, if they did, they’d be upset.

I’m starting to think GM Jed Hoyer made an agreement with previous GM Kevin Towers to continue his legacy of intentionally remaking the Padres into the most anonymous team in all of MLB. Except I think Hoyer will take it one step further and turn it into some sort of avant-garde performance piece. By June he’ll have dealt away Chris Young, Adrian Gonzalez, Kevin Kouzmanoff and Heath Bell, strictly accepting obscure Double-A players only. Then soon afterwards he will arrange to have all the players’ names removed from the backs of their jerseys, rendering them unrecognizable to the announcers and fans. There will be no media programs published; MLB.com and ESPN.com will be forced to sign confidentiality agreements agreeing to never post the identities of the Padres’ players on their sites. At the end of the season at some art show in SoHo there will be a retrospective of the 2010 San Diego Padres season to commemorate the team’s visionary artistic achievement.

But seriously, what happens if they trade Adrian Gonzalez and Kevin Kouzmanoff? Will the league have no choice but to demote them to Triple-A? Will they be put up on foreclosure, bought by Mark Cuban, and moved to Las Vegas, San Jose…Dallas? I kind of want this to happen the same way people want the government to get so corrupt it collapses on itself in a fascinating wreck of dysfunction and chaos.

What would the city of San Diego do with that stadium they worked so hard to make the centerpiece of the downtown landscape? Would they just remodel it into a football stadium and let the Chargers play there? Would they upgrade to stainless steel appliances and granite countertops and hope to find a buyer willing to pay full price (desperate Southern California homeowner joke)? It does have great curb appeal…

The most amazing part is that despite all this, the Padres vastly outperformed their circumstances. They overachieved like a bastard in 2009. Their 2009 Pythagorean W-L record was 67-95. Long story short, that’s what their record SHOULD have been based on the team statistics. Their actual record? 75-87 – 8 games better than what it should have been. In baseball that’s pretty significant. Then if you look at their season month-by-month, you see that if they had just managed to go .500 for June and July they would have ended up 85-77 – above .500 and better than the Cubs, Brewers and Reds – and finishing 5^th versus 8^th in the wild card standings.

I suppose that’s all hypothetical gibberish since they DIDN’T do any of that, and were a pretty crappy team that in a fluke went 17-9 in September. But it begs a question for the management of the organization. You really can’t just do a little bit better? Is the team really that bankrupt? How can you be totally unable to keep any veteran good players? How much of this is simply the ubiquitous corporate mentality of profit-not-product first? I don’t know the details of the team’s financial situation. I know the owner went through a nasty divorce this year and was allegedly…apparently…trying to devalue the team since it was his biggest financial asset so that he would owe less to his wife.

So my second question is for someone like Mark Cuban, who kicked the tires on a franchise that would cost him about a bajillion times more to buy (the Cubs), why not put in an offer on the Dads and spice up the NL West a whole lot? Good time to do it with the ridiculous 2011 free agent class looming. Carl Crawford and Joe Mauer would look good in those Padres fatigues uniforms...*

*No, they wouldn't. I was just saying that as an ending to my column. Those are the ugliest uniforms in the history of baseball.

Jayhawks: Over-Underbird

I have one team that's not an Underdog at all. They're consistently good, they recently won a national championship, and my fanship totally makes me look like a front-runner since I'm not from Kansas. But I was raised on Jayhawk basketball and I've been by their side through thick and thin. That journey is why I can boldly state that they're an Underdog. A 10-0, #1 ranked Underdog.

Until '08, when they beat Memphis and I developed a monumental man-crush on Mario Chalmers, the Jayhawks hadn't claimed a title in 20 years. Yeah yeah, some teams have never won at all, blah blah blah, shut up, Gonzaga. In that 20 year span, I'm guessing Kansas had somewhere around eight #1 rankings (tried to research that stat, got bored, gave up). At some point, "Number One" became synonymous with "Disappointment". Being the favorite is when KU does some of its worst work, as seen with the Jayhawks' first round losses to 13th and 14th ranked teams in the '05 and '06 tournaments, respectively. And since the rest of the teams I faithfully support can't make the playoffs to save their lives, forgive me for preparing for the hard fall when my #1 seeded Jayhawks lose to the Corn-Weasles of Southeastern N. Dakota Technical Institute in an upset that forces the B- state of Kansas out of the Union.

I will not blather on about the "target on our back". That's one of my least favorite sports analogies. Top seeds don't lose because of a #1-shaped bullseye. Everybody wants to beat everybody. If anything, the favorites win more games because their opponents play scared. Isn't that right, 49ers against the Colts in week 8? You don't lose because teams are gunning for you, it's because you're awesome and you get comfortable and then you blow it. Isn't that right, USC vs Texas in the '05 Rose Bowl? And until '08 when Fabio Chalmers saved the world, I had watched the Jayhawks get comfortable and blow it a lot. Like, every year. Like, all the years when they were stacked, with Pierce, LaFrentz, Ostertag, Vaughn, Gooden, Collison, and lots of other players that haven't amounted to much in the NBA (Pierce excluded. Calm down, Boston). And when you're the consensus #1, blowing it is really the only option other than winning the whole thing. You either win every game and get crowned National Champion, or you lose and are a failure.

This is not to say that I don't love winning and the decent chances of taking it all. It's awesome. Two titles in three years will alleviate almost all of the misery caused by the Golden State Warriors. But I can't get excited about Jayhawk wins. We're supposed to win every game, usually by 13+ points. After a season of Giants baseball and 3/4 of a 49er season where every win is like a little kiss from Jesus, this is tough. It seems I'm much better equiped to cheer for shitty teams. Certainly more qualified to write about them.

In truth, I'm miserable. My team is awesome but they're not allowed to lose. And if they do, I won't be able to say, "At least the _________s are good," because all my other teams are bad. I'll only be able to say, "Typical." They have to win it all, or else the whole season will just be another joyless turd to go with all the other turds my beloved sports teams have pooped.