In the battle against time, we are all losers, or, an open letter to Jamie Moyer

Dear Jamie Moyer,

Come on.

I'm sorry, you feel "misled?" Kind of like the way you misled the Phillies into paying you 13 million dollars over 2 years by having a halfway decent season last year and now you suck? Oh, you're "really not happy with this decision that the Phillies have made?" Well, I'm sure the Phillies aren't happy with the fact that you suck. You're "not real excited?" Kind of like the entire Philadelphia fanbase anytime you start a game? Or throw a pitch? Because you suck?

Ok, ok, I understand you're like 86 years old and that should count for something, but hear me out: No it should not. There are lots of things that 86 year olds cannot and should not do, despite their many years of accumulating wisdom, experience, and creative racial slurs.

Yeah, you lead your team in wins. I guess that's cool. You also lead them in losses, so you've got that going for you. But factor in your team providing you with an average of 8.25 runs per game, which is the 4th highest in the NL among pitchers with at least 100 IP, and you realize how little any of that actually matters. You've made 9 quality starts out of 22. J.A. Happ, the young pup who it is insinuated, via your logic, should have been bumped from the rotation in favor of Jheri curled behemoth Pedro Martinez, has made 14 starts this year, 11 of which have been quality starts.

Maybe this is a relatively new development for a man of your distinguished 134 years of age, so I will spell it out plainly: Baseball is a game of performance, and when teams field their best players, it gives them the best chance to win. I know, it's pretty "out there" and "groovy," "man," but you surprisingly do not get extra points for having the oldest dude or the youngest dude, or the fattest dude, or the dude you can't believe went out in public like that. There is no "Days Alive" stat on the back of your 567 different baseball cards.

But you know what is on the back of that last card? Here, let me pull out your invisible baseball card that I don't own. Oh here. Let me flip this bad boy over. You still with me, Jamie? What? Oh fine, you can go to the bathroom.

...

...

Hey, welcome back. No, no problem, I understand. Incontinence comes for us all. Anyways, here it is: 5.47 ERA and 1.5 WHIP. Those are 2 real live stats that are on this made up baseball card of yours. That is bad. Those are the stats of a bad pitcher. You are a bad pitcher. There is nothing about this demotion that doesn't make sense, so stop - I'm not yelling. I'm not, I'm just speaking loudly. Ok, fine, I'll lower my voice. I get it, you're sensitive to loud things because you're old. Yes, that last bit was a little on the nose. No, I don't know how this started as a fake letter and turned into a fake speech delivered in person either. Your guess is as good as mine.

It'll give you something to think about while warming up during the 6th inning.

What The F, Cubs Fans?

Did I miss something? The Cubs haven’t even APPEARED in the World Series since 1945 when they lost to the Tigers (who featured a guy named Dizzy Trout), right? Not to mention everyone on the North Side should be feeling the fresh sting of getting swept in the NLDS each of the past two seasons. So….why do Cubs fans act like they’re riding the wave of some glorious winning tradition?

Let’s take a look at the future the Cubs are looking at. Ownership made the reckless decision to commit to a strict "win-now" mentality after the 2003 NLCS, and as a result, they have the #26 ranked farm system in the majors. Not ideal for turning over an aging roster over the next 4-5 years while remaining competitive in a big market with a high payroll. In other news, GM Jim Hendry is possibly the worst GM in the league. His moves this past offseason continue to relentlessly assault the concept of reason.

He failed to upgrade the rotation, and then gave out that indefensible - and untradeable - contract to Ryan Dempster. The team has virtually the same rotation that has collectively shit the bed in the playoffs the past two seasons. (Side note: I love that they traded Jason Marquis to Colorado, and he’s 12-7 with a 3.49 ERA on August 7th. Back in the Windy City, Ted Lilly is on the DL and the rubber bands that hold Rich Harden’s skeleton together are beginning to wear thin from all the pitching he’s done so far this season.)

But the real travesty is what they did with the offense. What has happened to Soto isn’t Hendry’s fault (as far as we know, unless he’s also his weed dealer and chiropractor), and apparently they hired a Santeria shaman to re-animate Derrek Lee’s corpse about a month ago. That was a shrewd move; I'll give him that one.

That being said, he’s made a high percentage of atrocious moves. First, he traded a valuable non-superstar glue guy in Mark DeRosa for 4000 rosen bags and a popcorn machine. I believe the odds of DeRosa hitting a 3-run walk-off homer to win a 1-game playoff for the 2009 NL Central crown are about 5/2 right now. It’s coming, Cubs fans, and you know it. And how do you fill that hole and add an impact bat simultaneously? Exactly, by NOT signing Milton Bradley. Oh wait, they got that one backwards.

You know, Adam Dunn and his 40 homeruns were available. Bobby Abreu with however many 2009 AL MVP votes he’ll end up getting was available as well. And as an added bonus, neither of these guys is a "disease of a human being" as my friend Brad put it. I’m just surprised Bradley and Zambrano haven’t gotten into a knife fight yet on the team plane.

I really can't get over the whole Milton Bradley thing. Seriously? You let this happen, Cub fans? The guy is MEDIOCRE and he's absolutely crazy!! You were excited about this??? And where was the local media? Enjoying the “magic of Wrigley Field” and starfucking everyone who came to sing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” and writing surreal columns like this.

Cubs fans, your organization is a travesty and you don't even notice. You walk around proudly out here in L.A. in your Cubs gear like you're part of some elite fraternity of successful sports franchises. I don't get it. Where's the criticism? Where’s the pushing ownership/management to make the team better? You have a pink-hat nation without having won anything to get it. It’s like you’re just copying how Phillies fans act NOW when you should be copying how they were acting for the previous 28 years.