What the F, Ned Coletti?

BREAKING NEWS: Vicente Padilla turns down starring role in new “Nightmare on Elm Street” movie to pitch for Dodgers!

In all seriousness, though.  Why in the world did the Dodgers sign Vicente Padilla?  

...So the fans would have someone to actively disdain every day and make negative character assessments about? 

...As a cautionary tale for their young Latino fanbase? 

...To start a swine flu epidemic in Los Angeles?   

Are they trying to ruin the best team chemistry in MLB?  This article has one of the best headlines I've ever seen: "Los Angeles Dodgers: Vicente Padilla Brings Uncertainly, Swine Flu."  Is that what his scouting report says?  They forgot "ability to incite brawls" and "penchant for alienating teammates."  

Bizarre move, Ned.  For those of us keeping score at home, let me sum this up: you had pretty good odds of making the World Series as constituted, and had opportunities to add Cliff Lee or Roy Halladay to your staff and, reportedly, Adrian Gonzalez and/or Heath Bell at the trading deadline and we're talking about your favorable odds to win it all. But you opted to pull Vicente Padilla out of the Rangers' dumpster instead.  

...I'm starting to wonder how good you are at being a GM.  Jason Schmidt, Andruw Jones, re-signing Furcal, being totally in the dark about Manny, not making a major move at the deadline and watching the other NL contenders get better...Prospects are just prospects.  You've got the money now get some balls.  

Also, will you please build a subway extension from Union Station to Dodger Stadium?  Think about how amazing and sensible that would be.  Think about how many more people who are discouraged by traffic and the parking situation ::raises hand:: would actually go to games more than once or twice a season.  

Come on, get your act together.  

NL West: Underdivision

How did the NL West go from unrelenting shitshow to best division in the National League? To give you an idea of how radical this is, the Dodgers finished 8^th in the league standings in 2008 and they won the division! This sort of year-to-year phenomenon is rare in a sport like baseball. But here we are – heading into the stretch run with 3 NL West teams battling for 2 playoff spots.

Based on the fact that the Rockies are against winning games vs. the Dodgers (3-12 so far), I think Big Blue will hang on to win the NL West crown…followed by a bunch of people in East LA firing guns wildly into the air. However, I’m about 98% convinced the Rockies snatch the wildcard, and make for exciting October baseball again. And despite what the “experts” (seriously, click on this link; it's mind-blowing how wrong professional baseball analysts can be) say, my bold prediction is that the Colorado Rockies will win the 2009 NL pennant.

It’s not as though this came out of nowhere. The Rocks did it in 2007 against teams that were reportedly better, and that core is mostly in tact (minus Holliday, of course) and more experienced. The biggest difference is their pitching, which has been way better this year all around. They also have great chemistry and a great home crowd – as evidenced by the reaction to that walk-off slam vs. Los Gigantes earlier this week.

Looking at the stats, the usual offensive prowess stands out (top 5 in OPS, OBP, SLG and runs scored) but in a shocking turn of events, the Colorado Rockies are 1^st in quality starts in the NL. Pardon my Moroccan, but what the fuck? The rest of the traditional pitching stats are pretty average, but if you scratch the surface there are some other little nuggets that show they’re doing what it takes to win games. Specifically, they’re not blowing them. They only have 11 blown saves all season and have the 3^rd best save percentage in the NL. Brad Lidge has blown 9 games by himself. Rockies pitchers also get the 2^nd most run support in the league. The bottom line is they’re winning games, and that’s what counts.

The schedule is looking kind the rest of the way. They get to play the lowly Mets, Padres and D-Bags a total of 15 times, plus 6 games against the Brew Crew and the Cards. On paper you’d think that’s a bad thing, but the Rockies are a combined 7-0 this season against those two teams!

I’m excited for September in the NL West. The Dodgers and Rockies finish the year with a 3-game weekend set here at El Estadio Doyer. You bet I’m going to at least one of those games. Sadly the Giants look like they’re fading, and with them my hopes of seeing Timmy Lincecum pitch on a national stage in the playoffs. There’s time left, but it’s running out. More on that later…

Kickers: Underpeople

They always look silly, don't they?

It was only a preseason game, so some of you might not yet know about wide-receiver Chad Ochocinco's extra point kick against the Patriots last night. Here's a link to the video so you can see how non-spectacular yet post worthy it was. Regular kicker Shane Graham had a pulled groin muscle and it was an exhibition game, so Chad got the call. And he nailed it, great PAT, split the uprights, just a textbook kick. As if kickers weren't already low enough on the Totem Pole.

They are the butt of all football jokes. Kickers, aside from Sebastian Janikowski, are always the smallest guys on the sideline, sitting around through 95% of the game, coming out occasionally to score one point, kick off, or kick a 3-point attempt if they're lucky. God forbid a kick return makes it through the first line of defense and the kicker has to make a tackle (unless it's Janikowski). When they make a field goal, it's nothing to write home about because it's the only thing they do. When they miss, they're bad at the only thing they do. If they start to think they're important and talk a little trash, they get put back in their place at the kids' table. I mean, come on, the bad guy in Ace Ventura is a retired kicker who missed a big kick. They just have it the worst.

The role of the kicker has become a serious discussion around the football table. Some people truly believe they should be removed from the game, as they occasionally have the weight of the world on their shoulders at the end of a game in which they've played little or no part. Some people don't like that, personally I think it's a fine twist. Extra points are boring, so when one gets missed it's a cheap thrill. Three points can be enough of a difference maker that I like to see a guy try a 40+ yarder. I think they're a good element of the game. Like this talented but boring kid.

The point is, kickers have a lot to worry about. They have to worry about losing their jobs to Kathy Ireland in the movie Necessary Roughness. They have to worry about someone in the NFL realizing everyone in Europe and Latin America that was raised playing soccer is better at kicking than these American booters. They have to worry about getting stepped on and squished by a lineman or a defensive end. And now they have to worry about hot-dogging receivers stepping in and doing their job while they nurse, of all injuries, a strained groin.

I pity you, kickers. For while you can become heroes by winning Superbowls with last-second kicks, you can become the most despised, worthless, turd of a person if you miss. You're the most specialized, least athletic, tiniest players in the game, and it isn't your fault. Sure, you could have all become jockeys instead and looked less ridiculous by comparison, but you chose the NFL and that's just great. But you are very small. And we are all laughing at you.

Brett Favre: Underdouche

In a follow-up to the previous Brett Favre posting,  I found this chart online that sort of quantifies what has happened with this whole fake-out retirement saga the past couple of years. (click to enlarge)

As you can see, there was a dramatic spike beginning in 2007 in Favre's doucheocity quotient. This was calculated by taking a composite score of Favre's doucheocity based on his actions, measured against the statistical standard.  

The whole ordeal is lamentable for a guy who started out the way he did and who has overcome so much adversity in his personal life.  The worst part about the whole thing is that if you take these data and cross reference them with housing and stock market data during this time period there's a clear direct correlation between Favre's increasing doucheocity and the steep decline of the other two.  So, thanks for that Brett.  You've ruined everything.

For the Record, Brett Favre is Old

Clearly I'm missing something. It can't be that I'm correct and Favre shouldn't be playing anymore because there's too much effort to get him back on a team. I have to assume that more experienced people know better than I do and Brett isn't just a quarterback who is well past the twilight and settling into the 4pm dinner, in bed by 7:30 part of his career. Right? Did his recent surgery give him Rookie of the Year powers that only the Vikings know about? I really want to know what's going on. A 39 year old who holds the record for most INTs thrown just got signed for $10-12 million and I want to know WHAT THE F$%# IS GOING ON.

I love Brett Favre. The guy is charming and so fun to watch (up until the 4th quarter when he gets that glazed-over look in his eye and his decision making ability goes out the window). But so was Bobby Layne. Why don't you know who Bobby Layne is? Because he retired when he was supposed to, that's why.

To be fair, Brett Favre retired when he was supposed to, or at least started talking about it around the time he was supposed to. To be unfair, HE KEEPS COMING BACK. He is the horror story that coaches tell their young quarterbacks to scare them into shape. "Play well out there and don't dick around or Brett Favre will come and take your job." The last 4 years of his career have become a total farce. And that one season, that glorious, beautiful, should-have-gone-to-the-Superbowl-except-he-blew-it season, the one that would have been the perfect high note to leave on minus the part when he blew it, is why we're stuck with him retiring and un-retiring forever. I get it, he couldn't let his tremendous career end with an interception. Even though there really isn't a more fitting way it could have ended.

Didn't he push his luck by coming back last year? Wasn't that the extra season that the Powers That Be awarded him for being such a fun-loving guy? Doesn't he run a high risk of being actually pulverized by 22 year old, 260 pound with 1% body-fat linebackers? Maybe I'm the only one who thinks that. Apparently, according to the Vikings ownership, having an entitled old man make mistakes is better than starting a younger player who still has the ability to learn and get better. Brett Favre does not have that ability. His brain is made out of rocks.

I do wonder, as do all of you, and I'd love to hear from some Vikings fans on this, if all the Favre criticism and doubting just goes out the window when he comes to your team. I'm not entirely sure how I'd feel if it was the 49ers courting him right now. We've got quarterback issues, we could use some experience at that position, and Brett Favre has got over 50 years of professional experience. He's not a guy who polarizes a team the way Terrell Owens or Steve Smith do, so there isn't the fear of whether or not Favre will undo the locker room. The concern is just whether or not he can still play. From an outside perspective, it's seems like he's getting a little old to play at a high level. He's definitely still better than some of the QBs in the league, but he's a far cry from a guaranteed playoff birth. He also doesn't think rules apply to him anymore and is twice the age of all the other players in the league so we won't take criticism. And he's got this weird vendetta against the Packers, like they purposefully slighted him when they were just trying field a team while he whimpered about retirement. Hmmm. I'm really glad he's not going to the 49ers.

Brett Favre. He is not a quitter.

In the battle against time, we are all losers, or, an open letter to Jamie Moyer

Dear Jamie Moyer,

Come on.

I'm sorry, you feel "misled?" Kind of like the way you misled the Phillies into paying you 13 million dollars over 2 years by having a halfway decent season last year and now you suck? Oh, you're "really not happy with this decision that the Phillies have made?" Well, I'm sure the Phillies aren't happy with the fact that you suck. You're "not real excited?" Kind of like the entire Philadelphia fanbase anytime you start a game? Or throw a pitch? Because you suck?

Ok, ok, I understand you're like 86 years old and that should count for something, but hear me out: No it should not. There are lots of things that 86 year olds cannot and should not do, despite their many years of accumulating wisdom, experience, and creative racial slurs.

Yeah, you lead your team in wins. I guess that's cool. You also lead them in losses, so you've got that going for you. But factor in your team providing you with an average of 8.25 runs per game, which is the 4th highest in the NL among pitchers with at least 100 IP, and you realize how little any of that actually matters. You've made 9 quality starts out of 22. J.A. Happ, the young pup who it is insinuated, via your logic, should have been bumped from the rotation in favor of Jheri curled behemoth Pedro Martinez, has made 14 starts this year, 11 of which have been quality starts.

Maybe this is a relatively new development for a man of your distinguished 134 years of age, so I will spell it out plainly: Baseball is a game of performance, and when teams field their best players, it gives them the best chance to win. I know, it's pretty "out there" and "groovy," "man," but you surprisingly do not get extra points for having the oldest dude or the youngest dude, or the fattest dude, or the dude you can't believe went out in public like that. There is no "Days Alive" stat on the back of your 567 different baseball cards.

But you know what is on the back of that last card? Here, let me pull out your invisible baseball card that I don't own. Oh here. Let me flip this bad boy over. You still with me, Jamie? What? Oh fine, you can go to the bathroom.

...

...

Hey, welcome back. No, no problem, I understand. Incontinence comes for us all. Anyways, here it is: 5.47 ERA and 1.5 WHIP. Those are 2 real live stats that are on this made up baseball card of yours. That is bad. Those are the stats of a bad pitcher. You are a bad pitcher. There is nothing about this demotion that doesn't make sense, so stop - I'm not yelling. I'm not, I'm just speaking loudly. Ok, fine, I'll lower my voice. I get it, you're sensitive to loud things because you're old. Yes, that last bit was a little on the nose. No, I don't know how this started as a fake letter and turned into a fake speech delivered in person either. Your guess is as good as mine.

It'll give you something to think about while warming up during the 6th inning.

Oh Hey, Eagles, What's going onnNNOOOOOOOOO!!!

It's funny writing this article the day after Dilz's post about Vick because I'm of the same opinion that he should be, if not forgiven, at least allowed. I mean, if he's served the court's sentence, stopped doing terrible things, and starts serving the community since he knows he'll be crucified if he doesn't, what else can we ask of him? Unless he's going to prison forever, it's sorta dumb to not let him play football. Because that only leaves dog fighting as a vocation, and then we're just back where we started.

So I'm all for him being readmitted into the NFL. And I think the Eagles are big dumb morons for signing him.

Eagles, have you paid any attention to your quarterback environment over the last several seasons? Donnovan McNabb, one of the better QBs in the last decade, has been booed and jeered because he gets injured too much on account of playing really hard. He doesn't harm animals during his injury time and he's really good when he plays. He had a great finish to last season, getting his team into the playoffs and a game away from the Superbowl. He was rewarded with a nice contract extension, a sign that the organization recognized his work and wanted him to lead them forward. The Eagles had their longest controversy-free stretch in a few years, and then they signed an outlaw who plays the same position as McNabb.

How is this going to work? The fans will hate it, because Eagles fans love to hate things. McNabb will stand by Vick, because he's an admirable guy who knows that anyone and everyone is a better teammate than TO, and then Philadelphia will turn on him ex post facto as an accomplice to dog fighting. The city already half-hates coach Andy Reid, but he's such a boring guy that it's sort of a waste of time to dislike him. They can't hate Westbrook because he's too good, so it all falls almost exclusively on the quarterback, now quarterbacks. And when you've got PETA people and Eagle fans hating you, you've got no one.

From strictly a football standpoint, I like the move. McNabb, Vick and Westbrook make a terrifying backfield that would be nimble with two good arms. Defenses would try to prepare for a Wildcat type thing, but it would be such a QB-heavy version and the Eagles have such a solid group of receivers that the options would be sky high. Vick doesn't have to step in and be the leader, he gets to be a role player under less pressure (in theory) and less scrutinized (ha), and the team adds a weapon that had his ego killed in prison.

But, no, none of that matters, because it's just going to be a negative media circus fueled by fans that are excited to have a new grudge. Not a game will be televised without shots of the "Dogs are People, Too" and "Send Vick to the Pound" and "We'd Rather have Stallworth" posters that everyone will bring. Then angry Eagles fans will go home and pet their dogs and beat their wives and remember the good old days when mild-mannered Ron Jaworski was at the helm. It's not like Vick would have it easy with another team, but I really think Philly is a bottom five choice, just above Cleveland (the Dog Pound? No sir.) and the Vikings (instead of Favre you got this?). If he had gone to the Cowboys or the Raiders he would have been model citizen. Not just for the hoodlum players on both of those teams but for their deviant fan bases as well. Raider fans are dangerous people and you should call the authorities if you see one.

Vick's second chance sucks. It's probably how it should be, to really hammer home that he did something wrong. Philadelphia folks will make sure he's aware of that. I just hope they also notice when he completes his 40 trillion hours of community service and donates a third of what he makes to the humane society. But some lunatic will probably flood his house with ferocious pit bulls before Vick even takes a snap. Then, having nothing to do with all these pit bulls, the guy will start a dog fighting ring. He'll be conflicted but also addicted to the thrill. When he finally sees the terrible circle his life has completed, he'll rile up the pit bulls and turn them on himself. And that's the premise for my screenplay.

Michael Vick: (illegal)Underdog(fighting circuit)

But seriously, let's recap.  

Back in 2000 Ray Lewis was arrested and faced trial for his (alleged) role in the killing of two dudes, but got off by testifying against his friends.  He faced zero repercussions from the NFL.  The circumstances were fishy.  The Fulton County DA at the time said the truth had been "shielded."

Travis Henry, former NFL running back and general sleazeball, was arrested for his involvement in dealing cocaine in 2008.  He also has nine children by nine different mothers. The situation is a little different in that he was actually cut from the Broncos before he got arrested for the drug dealing, but it was only 4 months after being cut, so I think we can assume he was doing it while he was still playing.

Brandon Marshall is pro-domestic abuse and has a court date himself.  Not to mention his possible role in that weird Javon Walker beating outside the nightclub in Vegas last year.  Then there's Pac-Man (linking unnecessary) and Terry Glenn and...like 2000 other guys who have been arrested for various offenses.  Fresh in all our minds is the Donte Stallworth scenario, where he drove drunk and killed a guy.  He was apologetic and honest and took it like a man, but he's technically only suspended for 1 season, and the coverage of this incident is bordering on sympathetic.  

Anyways, the point I'm getting at is in a league with a ton of thugs, murderers, sleazeoids, drug dealers, cheaters, etc. can't we ease off Michael Vick a little?  What he did was disturbing and he deserved to get punished, but let's be honest: does it compare to killing a guy or having nine kids with nine different women and not paying for them...and being a drug dealer too?  Vick went to actual prison and was completely BANKRUPTED.  I think he's paid his debt, and I hope some team signs him as a punt-returner/situational back - if he can still cut it.  To be fair, the talking heads on ESPN and other sports media have been expressing that sentiment, but you know that people from PETA are going to be showing up at games with ridiculous signs and causing a raucous.  Just another example of misplaced priorities in our society. 

 

Underacheiver: Jason Schmidt

"Hey, how's that huge contract with Zito working out? Hey, Zito still making $126 million to sit in
the bullpen? Hey, Giants still sucking while Zito sucks you dry?"

HEY DODGER FANS, HOW'D THAT 3 YEAR, $47 MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT WITH SCHMIDT WORK OUT? FEEL LIKE HIS 3-8 RECORD AND 2 YEARS ON THE DL WAS WORTH THE BUY? HAPPY YOU STOLE HIM FROM US NOW?

Oh man. I am the bitterest. I hate that I'm writing this because I used to be such a Jason Schmidt fan. You know, before he became evil and then karma ate his arm muscles.

For those of you unaware, it's looking more and more like 36 year-old Jason Schmidt's career might be over. He signed with the Dodgers in December of 2006, pitched a few so-so games, and then had been injured for over two years before coming back to play four games this season and then again doing something screwy to his shoulder and heading back to the DL. As much as I hate the Dodgers, and I hate them with all my available hatred, it's pretty sad to see a guy's career go down the tubes like this.

But then again, it makes me feel SO much better about my Barry Zito situation. Zito signed with the Giants for an infinite amount of money for 6 or 7 years (I can't remember the length of the contract because after his first two God-awful seasons I was sure he'd be murdered before the contract expired) and now, in his third year in SF, he might have his first winning season with the club. His game has changed a little, he's a lot more consistent, and while he still isn't worth the contract he signed (no one is worth the contract he signed), it doesn't look like the assassination is going to happen. So to have Zito playing well as Schmidt sails into oblivion is grossly satisfying. It's going to make it that much sweeter when I wear my Jason Schmidt Giants jersey to Dodger Stadium. As Dodger fans shank me and call me names, I'll know it was right not to re-sign Schmidt.

It's been quite a roller coaster with these guys. While the Giants initially crippled themselves hugely with Zito's contract, the Dodgers signed Schmidt to a very reasonable and respectable deal. Now, however, we find the Giants with a far better pitching situation than the Dodgers, and a measly 7 games back in the NL West. So, from my perspective, looking through a very small window and only from a certain angle and only when it's dark, and it helps that I'm not wearing my glasses, and I just went swimming in a really chlorinated pool and I didn't have goggles, it looks like the Giants really came out ahead on this one. They're probably gonna win the World Series. That's just the way things seem to lining up right now. And you can bet that Dodger fans will look back on Schmidt's fall from grace and that 2006 trade and think, "We are just a dumb bunch of idiot jerks who make terrible decisions and do terrible things and should not be allowed in bars or out after 8pm. We're just awful." And Giants fans will think, "Yup, you guys are simply the worst kind of people. Terrifically horrible." And Barry Zito will be the World Series MVP. And the Golden State Warriors are going to the playoffs next year. And everyone agrees on health care reform. And lots of people are reading this post. Glorious.

The Other (Under)A-Rod

Andy Roddick met Juan Martín del Potro in the championship match of the Legg Mason Classic yesterday. I caught most of the 2nd set and, as usual, I was rooting for the supercharged Roddick to beat the effete foreigner in the muggy Mid-Atlantic afternoon. The heat typically works to Roddick’s advantage and the announcers were quick to recall del Potro’s complete withering in the oven-like haze of the Australian Open earlier this year. Things looked good for a while; Roddick won the first set and then came back to tie the second at 5-5 before eventually dropping it 7-5 and ultimately succumbing to del Potro in a tightly contested third. Despite this loss Roddick is playing great tennis right now and must have high hopes for the upcoming U.S. Open.

Roddick’s career has been an atypical one. Usually by the time tennis players hit their late twenties (Roddick turns 27 at the end of the month) they’re transitioning their way out of the game, or trying to hang on by re-inventing their game to adjust for diminished athleticism or a few lost MPH on their serve. Not in Roddick’s case, though. He is literally getting better with age.

He burst onto the tennis scene 9 years ago and won the U.S. Open in 2003. The press, with its love for hyperbole, quickly dubbed the hard-serving 21 year-old the heir apparent to Pete Sampras and forecast multiple Grand Slam titles in the coming years. Things didn’t play out that way, and American men’s tennis has languished in general.

In 2008 Roddick made the decision to re-commit himself to his fitness and develop more variety in his game. After some tinkering he settled into a groove and started improving his results. He shed 15 pounds and has worked on his volleying as well as his game at the net. It has paid dividends in 2009, as evidenced by trips to at least the semifinals in 8 of the 11 tournaments he’s played and a career-best 4th round finish at the French Open.

But there remains one hurdle that Roddick appears destined to never overcome…one giant, cuckoo clock and hot chocolate loving hurdle named Roger Federer. The Sports Guy Bill Simmons and author Malcolm Gladwell had an online debate a while back about how the boxer Larry Holmes had the misfortune of coming along at the same time as Ali, Frazier and Foreman. He had no say in being overshadowed by these icons of the sport and it altered how his career unfolded.

The same can be said for Andy Roddick. Federer and Rafael Nadal have altered the course of Roddick’s career. Roddick is a combined 4-24 against these two juggernauts, but the lionshare of his futility is attributable to Federer, against whom Roddick is a frustrating 2-19. Their epic match at this year’s Wimbledon was demonstrative of Federer’s dominance. Roddick played about as well as he possibly could have – his downfall being the inability to break Federer’s serve and put him away.

Roddick’s relentlessly aggressive style and vicious serve alone can be enough to defeat most of his opponents (given the surplus of softie Euros on the tour). Federer just simply seems to have his number. He is the complete package: adaptive, other worldly talented, agile, versatile, smart. It is Nadal who has emerged as Federer’s foil – the one player who can seemingly get under Federer’s skin and gain a mental advantage in big matches. Nadal is the evolution of Andy Roddick – same relentless style and tireless approach, along with a monster serve of his own, but coupled with a Federer-like knack for shotmaking and strategic nuance that Roddick oftentimes still seems to lack. Roddick thrives off his ability to impose his will on his opponent and break him mentally, forcing him into making mistakes. He is unable to do this to Federer, and is not versatile enough to outplay him.

Nevertheless, Roddick seems to be improving in his 9th year in spite of the number of miles he’s put on his body. His favorite tournament on his favorite surface is approaching. The U.S. Open looms as an opportunity for Roddick to prove his meddle and show off the newfound flexibility in his game. I will be rooting for him to make the finals and to meet his arch-nemesis Roger Federer there. And I will be rooting for Andy to win, as always, as a reward for his hard work and dedication to greatness, which he could have easily foreswore long ago. He is a role model for American tennis players, and I hope his work ethic and sense of pride will inspire more young American boys to pick up rackets.

Underdirtdogs

I woke up this morning, inhaled deeply, and took stock of my life. All caught up on Dawson's Creek, hippest show on TV? Check. Awesome New Radicals single occupying the first spot on my latest mix tape? Oh yes. Tickets to see The Phantom Menace at midnight in a couple weeks? How dare you suggest I wasn't first in line, sir. How dare you.

I grabbed the latest print edition of my favorite newspaper and made a beeline for the sports section, flipping hurriedly to the baseball box scores. Ah yes, here we are, Yankees - Red Sox. Another ass drubbing, natch. 4 game sweep? You betcha. But wait - who is this manning first base? This isn't Jose Offerman, the AMAZING prodigal talent we replaced Mo Vaughn with. Pedroia? Youkilis? Where is Jeff Frye? Darren Bragg? MY WORLD IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL.

Ok, enough of that. It's not 1999, but it certainly seems like it these days for Sox fans. I know I'm not going to get a lot of sympathy here, nor do I really deserve it; 2 World Series championships in 4 years during the greatest stretch in Boston sports history strangely hasn't seemed to endear us to outsiders. I get it, I really do. But what a shock to the system to be pummeled back to earth so swiftly: an 8-14 record since the All Star break will do that, especially when the last 4 losses, all in a row, came to the hated Yankees, a team of villains that we had apparently solved already this year. Adam Kilgore at the Globe has compiled a succinct list of Sox related maladies and travesties that I would be hard pressed to top, or read all the way through again without tearing up. It's felt like "the old days" again recently - the ultimate underdogs, scraping and scrapping for every run, and failing to do so for 31 innings. Thirty one. Think about that for awhile. That's a run for every Baskin Robbins flavor. Futility, thy name is Boston's BA with RISP. And that's a shitty name. Much too wordy.

Friday night's game, which we lost in epic fashion, taking a full 15 innings to be ultimately disemboweled by a 2 run dinger hit by, of all people, Alex Rodriguez, was the kind of game that used to be the norm. The kind of gut wrenching, ball twisting, brow furrowing game that sent us home from bars numb and angry and confused, wondering how we would ever care again, how we could come back the next day or the next week or the next year when the result would just be the same. (And it was, more or less.) It was the kind of game you look back on in October and say to yourself, "That's where it unraveled."

So here we are, battling the Rays and Rangers for the wild card spot. If you told me either of those teams would be relevant to a playoff race 10 years ago, I would have laughed in your face and slowly wheeled you back to the psychiatric institution I must have been volunteering at. But it is what it is. Sports is cyclical, no? And in a way, it's comforting to know that I still have it in me to wail and gnash my teeth and moan that the sky is falling after a relatively minor losing streak in the middle of summer, in a decade where my always competitive baseball team has already won 2 big banners.

At least I still care. Sometimes that's the only thing we underdogs can hang on to.

Miami Dolphins: Underporpoises

I think the AFC East might be up for grabs in '09. And I'm pulling for those slippery little fish mammals to get it.

I'm sure the New England Pooptriates are the consensus favorite and I get that. Their handsome, non-controversial, good at football, butt-chinned QB is coming back (for the record, I was very distraught when Brady's knee exploded in the first game last season. I don't wish injuries on anyone, especially those in which I have a vested fantasy football interest). I also get that the Patriots were really close to making the playoffs last year. And the Dolphins weren't so much good good as they were weird good. I understand all those arguments. Now let me present mine:

Dan Marino was great.

I raise an interesting point: Dan Marino. Chad Pennington is not as good as Dan Marino. But no one has a more Dan Marino-sized chip on their shoulder than Chad Pennington. I think Pennington lost, regained, then again lost the starting job every single day of his 8-year Jets career. He set a world record in getting shafted. So last year he signs with the fish and all of a sudden he's on a division-winning team. AND he beats the Jets in the final regular season game to get the Dolphins into the playoffs. Sweet, sweet ironic poetry that ousts the Patriots from the post-season.

Naturally, the Dolphins played grossly and we're sent packing in the first week of the playoffs. But they made it, and I have reason to think they can make it again. You'll have to continue waiting for the reason why I think that.

Here's why I think the Patriots will not win their division. Tom Brady is great and will surely have a better season than last year (7 for 11 with 76 yards), but he won't be as good as the year before (a million for a million with a passer rating of solid gold). Taking a year off is a weird thing for any professional athlete, especially a QB. It'll be a little more difficult for Brady to get on the same page as his receivers, it'll be nearly impossible for him to throw touchdown passes now that Mike Vrabel is gone, and it should not be overlooked that he's put so many hours into rehabbing his knee that he barely had the time to get another girl pregnant. Not to mention that Tom's hiatus came on the heels of the most spectacular regular season which preceded the most tremendous Super Bowl upset, so the expectations are a little wonky. And that's just Brady. I won't even get into the problems with the rest of the team (they don't have many). Meanwhile (here comes the reason!), the Dolphins are the exact same division-winning team from last season plus some very positive, while not glamorous, additions. They strengthened the O line, at no point did they take the starting job away from Pennington, and I haven't heard a single word about Ricky Williams smoking opium during the off-season. They also play in Miami and it's so tropical there. Just look at this guy's sunburn.

In the interest of full disclosure, I don't know what I'm talking about. I haven't even looked at the two teams' schedules for the '09 season. But sometimes you just have to go on a hunch. If you have a hunch that Ronnie Brown will be awesome again, Chad Pennington will play better than Chad Pennington, and Pat White will be a good version Kordell Stewart, then you are free to make that claim in your blog. If I end up being right, I'm a hero. If I'm wrong, this post gets deleted and you will have no proof. If you think this is a stupid article that's founded on uninformed BS, please make a comment. Then we'll all know that you're a front-runner and you have no place in Underdogland.

The last thing that I will say in defense of my Miami Dolphin argument is that they are due. They are due, not to win a Superbowl, but to maybe get two division titles in a row. And the Patriots, they are no longer due. They are done. They did it. Congrats to them. Now they can stop. Boo Patriots.

What The F, Cubs Fans?

Did I miss something? The Cubs haven’t even APPEARED in the World Series since 1945 when they lost to the Tigers (who featured a guy named Dizzy Trout), right? Not to mention everyone on the North Side should be feeling the fresh sting of getting swept in the NLDS each of the past two seasons. So….why do Cubs fans act like they’re riding the wave of some glorious winning tradition?

Let’s take a look at the future the Cubs are looking at. Ownership made the reckless decision to commit to a strict "win-now" mentality after the 2003 NLCS, and as a result, they have the #26 ranked farm system in the majors. Not ideal for turning over an aging roster over the next 4-5 years while remaining competitive in a big market with a high payroll. In other news, GM Jim Hendry is possibly the worst GM in the league. His moves this past offseason continue to relentlessly assault the concept of reason.

He failed to upgrade the rotation, and then gave out that indefensible - and untradeable - contract to Ryan Dempster. The team has virtually the same rotation that has collectively shit the bed in the playoffs the past two seasons. (Side note: I love that they traded Jason Marquis to Colorado, and he’s 12-7 with a 3.49 ERA on August 7th. Back in the Windy City, Ted Lilly is on the DL and the rubber bands that hold Rich Harden’s skeleton together are beginning to wear thin from all the pitching he’s done so far this season.)

But the real travesty is what they did with the offense. What has happened to Soto isn’t Hendry’s fault (as far as we know, unless he’s also his weed dealer and chiropractor), and apparently they hired a Santeria shaman to re-animate Derrek Lee’s corpse about a month ago. That was a shrewd move; I'll give him that one.

That being said, he’s made a high percentage of atrocious moves. First, he traded a valuable non-superstar glue guy in Mark DeRosa for 4000 rosen bags and a popcorn machine. I believe the odds of DeRosa hitting a 3-run walk-off homer to win a 1-game playoff for the 2009 NL Central crown are about 5/2 right now. It’s coming, Cubs fans, and you know it. And how do you fill that hole and add an impact bat simultaneously? Exactly, by NOT signing Milton Bradley. Oh wait, they got that one backwards.

You know, Adam Dunn and his 40 homeruns were available. Bobby Abreu with however many 2009 AL MVP votes he’ll end up getting was available as well. And as an added bonus, neither of these guys is a "disease of a human being" as my friend Brad put it. I’m just surprised Bradley and Zambrano haven’t gotten into a knife fight yet on the team plane.

I really can't get over the whole Milton Bradley thing. Seriously? You let this happen, Cub fans? The guy is MEDIOCRE and he's absolutely crazy!! You were excited about this??? And where was the local media? Enjoying the “magic of Wrigley Field” and starfucking everyone who came to sing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” and writing surreal columns like this.

Cubs fans, your organization is a travesty and you don't even notice. You walk around proudly out here in L.A. in your Cubs gear like you're part of some elite fraternity of successful sports franchises. I don't get it. Where's the criticism? Where’s the pushing ownership/management to make the team better? You have a pink-hat nation without having won anything to get it. It’s like you’re just copying how Phillies fans act NOW when you should be copying how they were acting for the previous 28 years.

Baltimore Orioles: Underbirds.

Last night's Orioles vs. Tigers game really got me. It really made me want to find and hug an Orioles fan. But just a little, quick hug. I wouldn't want them sobbing on my shoulder all night and getting me all snotty.

It wasn't the worst beat of all time. It was just another walk-off home run loss, the worst kind of loss, but a loss that happens to everyone. The reasons I found it so sad were a) it's the Orioles, and b) they must have really thought they were going to win.

The Os scored 5 runs off of Justin Verlander in the 1st inning. To show you how awesome that is, here's a clip from Verlander's '07 no-hitter. But to start that hot, in a game they had probably already marked in the loss column, and then watch the lead slowly trickle away until a walk-off home run in the 9th, that's just the worst. That's Oilers vs. Bills '93. On a really small scale.

I don't think this loss would hurt as much if it were another team. The Orioles have a special situation that is the most painful, tear-inducing situation in baseball. They have a worse situation than the Nationals, and the Nationals are just gross. The Orioles have the terrible misfortune of being in the AL East. Many, many times throughout the course of the season, they have to go play the Red Sox, the Yankees, the Rays, and the Blue Jays. Those four teams combined have scored over 250 more runs than the combined teams in the NL East that the Nats have to face. What's an Orioles fan to do? You're gonna lose, like, 60 games a year within your division. That's not fun. That's just losing.

So while the Nationals are by far the worst team in baseball, maybe the worst team in any sport, arguably the worst thing in America, they get to play a handful of other teams that are underachieving. They're the team that is hardly a team, more of a novelty item, while the Mets are the real jerk-offs for not getting it done with their high payroll and talent. The Nationals at least have the option to bask in the shadow of more substantial failures than themselves.

Not the Orioles. They just get to try and try and try and never be good enough. They are forever the Cinderella team, but in the 162 game baseball season, being a Cinderella team doesn't work out. You get 15 upset victories and still finish 20 games under .500. It sucks.

I'm sorry Orioles fans. I really am. There's nothing you can do. You can buy Matt Wieters jerseys, and that's very sweet that you've all done that, but you can't go to the playoffs. If you show up for the playoffs, you will not be let in. But you should feel free to take the Nationals out to the park and run circles around them while they drool and try not to topple over. That's fine.