Baseball Money Phillies Lee #!@$!$!@#!

At some point, someone is supposed to stand up and say, "Enough is enough." But I think that was supposed to happen several hundred thousand million dollars ago.

The Phillies have bought all the best pitchers. But they only did it because the Yankees were trying to do it, and the Yankees HAD to try to do it because they didn't go to the World Series this year even with a payroll upwards of what it would cost to build a high speed train to the fucking moon, so not buying the most expensive player wasn't an option. The Red Sox took it easy and got 2 guys that need 20 million annually, the Nationals thought it looked fun so they spent far more than they earn in ticket sales on a guy in his 30s, and surely the Angels will overpay someone before Spring to prove that they can sign checks too. Meanwhile, the Giants offered World Series MVP Edgar Renteria a 1-year contract worth... 1 million dollars.

It's crazy. These contracts that the big market teams are offering are certifiably insane. But $100 million for 5-years is fast becoming the rule rather than the exception, and that's why Grandpa Jeter is upset that the Yankees didn't want to pay him through his 50th birthday.

I had hoped the Giants would become one of these deep-pocketed teams. I thought a World Series Title would bring us gobs of money to throw at Carl Crawford who would say, "Play for the Giants? Of course I will, you're the best!" And that's pretty much what happened. Carl Crawford may have gone to the Red Sox for $142 million, but we signed Miguel Tejada to a one year deal for 6.5 million dollars, and he's 36! Crawford's only 29! Miguel Tejada is 7 years better than Carl Crawford!

This post isn't as whiny/despondent/pathetic as a lot/all of the other posts, because finance is an excuse-makers' best friend. Most teams can't keep up with the Yankees and Red Sox. Plain and simple, they don't have the capital. And that's a valid argument. "Of course we didn't win. We didn't buy 95 victories" and blah blah blah. It's not a fun argument to make, but it holds water. And when the poor team does win, when the Giants' draft picks and farm system and Barry Zito's 126 million dollar riding-the-bench-behind do win the World Series, it's because we're totally and undeniably awesome and the Phillies and Dodgers are a bunch of chumps.

To a certain degree, I love that other teams will drop a billion dollars bringing in All Stars from a rival club. It leaves the guys who are still trying to earn their money for the rest of us. At the same time, the Red Sox signing Crawford and Adrian Gonzales seems a little bit like cheating. And the Phillies rotation having Halladay, Oswalt, Hamels and now f***ing Cliff Lee seems a LOT like cheating. And the Yankees are cheaters in that they cheat and are cheats.

At the end of the day, I don't hate that the payroll discrepancy makes Major League Baseball outlandishly lopsided at times, these owners are just doing business. But I do think a limit to how much the players get paid wouldn't be a bad thing. Sure, there would be a season or two of Alex Rodriquez crying into his crystal goblets and then taking his yacht out for a day on the water to clear his head before taking his helicopter somewhere out over the Atlantic to dump all his old money that's starting to smell because he's a MILLIONAIRE TIMES ONE HUNDRED. But after that, I think guys would start to realize that $5 mil a year is going to be enough to get by. And then maybe, just maybe, good players would go to less rich teams because they want to play and live in San Francisco because it's truly a wonderful city with a great ballpark and a lot genuinely good people.

SF Giants: Under(Dog)mining Themselves

If you want to talk about a team undermining their own accomplishments, you're not going to find a better picture than this shot of Barry Zito, who's pitching really well this year, but apparently accepted the position of Captain on the Douche Squad. Not totally relevant, but f*** me, that's a boner of a photo.

The Giants started out the season 6-1 or something awesome. Then they stopped hitting the baseball and lost a few. Won a few, lost some, did little more than watch the Padres play around them and now find themselves in 3rd or 4th place in a so-so division. Perhaps the saddest part is that it's hard to complain this year because we're actually above .500. Currently.

Why is he leaning on a guitar? Jesus.

Anyway, it's been more of the same with the Giants for so long (top notch pitching, nauseatingly bad hitting) that it's not so much a problem anymore, it's a style of play. It's an identity. They are the team that pitches lights out and averages 4 hits a game. It's part of the game plan, it dictates the order of the lineup, and probably has reached the point where they won't draft hitters. They will avoid signing a big bat for the next few years so that they don't lose their flow. Their shitty, incapable, offensively-dwarfed flow. Also, they need guys that can sing along while Zito plays the acoustic version of "Layla" in the locker room. Does he even play the guitar?

I mean, we just signed Pat Burrell. And I'm sort of excited about it, which is gross. When another team releases a guy because he's old and not producing and then your team signs him, you shouldn't be thrilled. But that's the Giants' version of bringing in a "bat," a guy that can hit homers sometimes but most of the time will not but the "threat" is there. Hey, Giants? Until he hits his 2nd homerun with the club, the "Burrell Threat" is going to stay at really light yellow. Meanwhile, Buster "The Lord Our God" Posey is batting, like, .900 and has about 3 RBIs because there's never anyone on base ahead of him.

Long and short of it, when your pitcher only gives up one or two runs, you should feel good about your chances of winning, and I don't. When the first two batters of an inning reach base, you shouldn't think, "these guys are not making it home," and that's my immediate thought. And when you have men on 2nd ad 3rd with one out, it shouldn't be possible for your leading RBI man Juan Uribe to hit into a double play, and yet it's oddly expected. But, to be fair, it can be distracting when the count is 2-2 and you hear Barry Mraz Zito tuning his axe in the dugout. His hair is really perfectly wind-blown in the picture.

In the battle against time, we are all losers, or, an open letter to Jamie Moyer

Dear Jamie Moyer,

Come on.

I'm sorry, you feel "misled?" Kind of like the way you misled the Phillies into paying you 13 million dollars over 2 years by having a halfway decent season last year and now you suck? Oh, you're "really not happy with this decision that the Phillies have made?" Well, I'm sure the Phillies aren't happy with the fact that you suck. You're "not real excited?" Kind of like the entire Philadelphia fanbase anytime you start a game? Or throw a pitch? Because you suck?

Ok, ok, I understand you're like 86 years old and that should count for something, but hear me out: No it should not. There are lots of things that 86 year olds cannot and should not do, despite their many years of accumulating wisdom, experience, and creative racial slurs.

Yeah, you lead your team in wins. I guess that's cool. You also lead them in losses, so you've got that going for you. But factor in your team providing you with an average of 8.25 runs per game, which is the 4th highest in the NL among pitchers with at least 100 IP, and you realize how little any of that actually matters. You've made 9 quality starts out of 22. J.A. Happ, the young pup who it is insinuated, via your logic, should have been bumped from the rotation in favor of Jheri curled behemoth Pedro Martinez, has made 14 starts this year, 11 of which have been quality starts.

Maybe this is a relatively new development for a man of your distinguished 134 years of age, so I will spell it out plainly: Baseball is a game of performance, and when teams field their best players, it gives them the best chance to win. I know, it's pretty "out there" and "groovy," "man," but you surprisingly do not get extra points for having the oldest dude or the youngest dude, or the fattest dude, or the dude you can't believe went out in public like that. There is no "Days Alive" stat on the back of your 567 different baseball cards.

But you know what is on the back of that last card? Here, let me pull out your invisible baseball card that I don't own. Oh here. Let me flip this bad boy over. You still with me, Jamie? What? Oh fine, you can go to the bathroom.

...

...

Hey, welcome back. No, no problem, I understand. Incontinence comes for us all. Anyways, here it is: 5.47 ERA and 1.5 WHIP. Those are 2 real live stats that are on this made up baseball card of yours. That is bad. Those are the stats of a bad pitcher. You are a bad pitcher. There is nothing about this demotion that doesn't make sense, so stop - I'm not yelling. I'm not, I'm just speaking loudly. Ok, fine, I'll lower my voice. I get it, you're sensitive to loud things because you're old. Yes, that last bit was a little on the nose. No, I don't know how this started as a fake letter and turned into a fake speech delivered in person either. Your guess is as good as mine.

It'll give you something to think about while warming up during the 6th inning.

Underacheiver: Jason Schmidt

"Hey, how's that huge contract with Zito working out? Hey, Zito still making $126 million to sit in
the bullpen? Hey, Giants still sucking while Zito sucks you dry?"

HEY DODGER FANS, HOW'D THAT 3 YEAR, $47 MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT WITH SCHMIDT WORK OUT? FEEL LIKE HIS 3-8 RECORD AND 2 YEARS ON THE DL WAS WORTH THE BUY? HAPPY YOU STOLE HIM FROM US NOW?

Oh man. I am the bitterest. I hate that I'm writing this because I used to be such a Jason Schmidt fan. You know, before he became evil and then karma ate his arm muscles.

For those of you unaware, it's looking more and more like 36 year-old Jason Schmidt's career might be over. He signed with the Dodgers in December of 2006, pitched a few so-so games, and then had been injured for over two years before coming back to play four games this season and then again doing something screwy to his shoulder and heading back to the DL. As much as I hate the Dodgers, and I hate them with all my available hatred, it's pretty sad to see a guy's career go down the tubes like this.

But then again, it makes me feel SO much better about my Barry Zito situation. Zito signed with the Giants for an infinite amount of money for 6 or 7 years (I can't remember the length of the contract because after his first two God-awful seasons I was sure he'd be murdered before the contract expired) and now, in his third year in SF, he might have his first winning season with the club. His game has changed a little, he's a lot more consistent, and while he still isn't worth the contract he signed (no one is worth the contract he signed), it doesn't look like the assassination is going to happen. So to have Zito playing well as Schmidt sails into oblivion is grossly satisfying. It's going to make it that much sweeter when I wear my Jason Schmidt Giants jersey to Dodger Stadium. As Dodger fans shank me and call me names, I'll know it was right not to re-sign Schmidt.

It's been quite a roller coaster with these guys. While the Giants initially crippled themselves hugely with Zito's contract, the Dodgers signed Schmidt to a very reasonable and respectable deal. Now, however, we find the Giants with a far better pitching situation than the Dodgers, and a measly 7 games back in the NL West. So, from my perspective, looking through a very small window and only from a certain angle and only when it's dark, and it helps that I'm not wearing my glasses, and I just went swimming in a really chlorinated pool and I didn't have goggles, it looks like the Giants really came out ahead on this one. They're probably gonna win the World Series. That's just the way things seem to lining up right now. And you can bet that Dodger fans will look back on Schmidt's fall from grace and that 2006 trade and think, "We are just a dumb bunch of idiot jerks who make terrible decisions and do terrible things and should not be allowed in bars or out after 8pm. We're just awful." And Giants fans will think, "Yup, you guys are simply the worst kind of people. Terrifically horrible." And Barry Zito will be the World Series MVP. And the Golden State Warriors are going to the playoffs next year. And everyone agrees on health care reform. And lots of people are reading this post. Glorious.

Underdirtdogs

I woke up this morning, inhaled deeply, and took stock of my life. All caught up on Dawson's Creek, hippest show on TV? Check. Awesome New Radicals single occupying the first spot on my latest mix tape? Oh yes. Tickets to see The Phantom Menace at midnight in a couple weeks? How dare you suggest I wasn't first in line, sir. How dare you.

I grabbed the latest print edition of my favorite newspaper and made a beeline for the sports section, flipping hurriedly to the baseball box scores. Ah yes, here we are, Yankees - Red Sox. Another ass drubbing, natch. 4 game sweep? You betcha. But wait - who is this manning first base? This isn't Jose Offerman, the AMAZING prodigal talent we replaced Mo Vaughn with. Pedroia? Youkilis? Where is Jeff Frye? Darren Bragg? MY WORLD IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL.

Ok, enough of that. It's not 1999, but it certainly seems like it these days for Sox fans. I know I'm not going to get a lot of sympathy here, nor do I really deserve it; 2 World Series championships in 4 years during the greatest stretch in Boston sports history strangely hasn't seemed to endear us to outsiders. I get it, I really do. But what a shock to the system to be pummeled back to earth so swiftly: an 8-14 record since the All Star break will do that, especially when the last 4 losses, all in a row, came to the hated Yankees, a team of villains that we had apparently solved already this year. Adam Kilgore at the Globe has compiled a succinct list of Sox related maladies and travesties that I would be hard pressed to top, or read all the way through again without tearing up. It's felt like "the old days" again recently - the ultimate underdogs, scraping and scrapping for every run, and failing to do so for 31 innings. Thirty one. Think about that for awhile. That's a run for every Baskin Robbins flavor. Futility, thy name is Boston's BA with RISP. And that's a shitty name. Much too wordy.

Friday night's game, which we lost in epic fashion, taking a full 15 innings to be ultimately disemboweled by a 2 run dinger hit by, of all people, Alex Rodriguez, was the kind of game that used to be the norm. The kind of gut wrenching, ball twisting, brow furrowing game that sent us home from bars numb and angry and confused, wondering how we would ever care again, how we could come back the next day or the next week or the next year when the result would just be the same. (And it was, more or less.) It was the kind of game you look back on in October and say to yourself, "That's where it unraveled."

So here we are, battling the Rays and Rangers for the wild card spot. If you told me either of those teams would be relevant to a playoff race 10 years ago, I would have laughed in your face and slowly wheeled you back to the psychiatric institution I must have been volunteering at. But it is what it is. Sports is cyclical, no? And in a way, it's comforting to know that I still have it in me to wail and gnash my teeth and moan that the sky is falling after a relatively minor losing streak in the middle of summer, in a decade where my always competitive baseball team has already won 2 big banners.

At least I still care. Sometimes that's the only thing we underdogs can hang on to.

What The F, Cubs Fans?

Did I miss something? The Cubs haven’t even APPEARED in the World Series since 1945 when they lost to the Tigers (who featured a guy named Dizzy Trout), right? Not to mention everyone on the North Side should be feeling the fresh sting of getting swept in the NLDS each of the past two seasons. So….why do Cubs fans act like they’re riding the wave of some glorious winning tradition?

Let’s take a look at the future the Cubs are looking at. Ownership made the reckless decision to commit to a strict "win-now" mentality after the 2003 NLCS, and as a result, they have the #26 ranked farm system in the majors. Not ideal for turning over an aging roster over the next 4-5 years while remaining competitive in a big market with a high payroll. In other news, GM Jim Hendry is possibly the worst GM in the league. His moves this past offseason continue to relentlessly assault the concept of reason.

He failed to upgrade the rotation, and then gave out that indefensible - and untradeable - contract to Ryan Dempster. The team has virtually the same rotation that has collectively shit the bed in the playoffs the past two seasons. (Side note: I love that they traded Jason Marquis to Colorado, and he’s 12-7 with a 3.49 ERA on August 7th. Back in the Windy City, Ted Lilly is on the DL and the rubber bands that hold Rich Harden’s skeleton together are beginning to wear thin from all the pitching he’s done so far this season.)

But the real travesty is what they did with the offense. What has happened to Soto isn’t Hendry’s fault (as far as we know, unless he’s also his weed dealer and chiropractor), and apparently they hired a Santeria shaman to re-animate Derrek Lee’s corpse about a month ago. That was a shrewd move; I'll give him that one.

That being said, he’s made a high percentage of atrocious moves. First, he traded a valuable non-superstar glue guy in Mark DeRosa for 4000 rosen bags and a popcorn machine. I believe the odds of DeRosa hitting a 3-run walk-off homer to win a 1-game playoff for the 2009 NL Central crown are about 5/2 right now. It’s coming, Cubs fans, and you know it. And how do you fill that hole and add an impact bat simultaneously? Exactly, by NOT signing Milton Bradley. Oh wait, they got that one backwards.

You know, Adam Dunn and his 40 homeruns were available. Bobby Abreu with however many 2009 AL MVP votes he’ll end up getting was available as well. And as an added bonus, neither of these guys is a "disease of a human being" as my friend Brad put it. I’m just surprised Bradley and Zambrano haven’t gotten into a knife fight yet on the team plane.

I really can't get over the whole Milton Bradley thing. Seriously? You let this happen, Cub fans? The guy is MEDIOCRE and he's absolutely crazy!! You were excited about this??? And where was the local media? Enjoying the “magic of Wrigley Field” and starfucking everyone who came to sing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” and writing surreal columns like this.

Cubs fans, your organization is a travesty and you don't even notice. You walk around proudly out here in L.A. in your Cubs gear like you're part of some elite fraternity of successful sports franchises. I don't get it. Where's the criticism? Where’s the pushing ownership/management to make the team better? You have a pink-hat nation without having won anything to get it. It’s like you’re just copying how Phillies fans act NOW when you should be copying how they were acting for the previous 28 years.

Baltimore Orioles: Underbirds.

Last night's Orioles vs. Tigers game really got me. It really made me want to find and hug an Orioles fan. But just a little, quick hug. I wouldn't want them sobbing on my shoulder all night and getting me all snotty.

It wasn't the worst beat of all time. It was just another walk-off home run loss, the worst kind of loss, but a loss that happens to everyone. The reasons I found it so sad were a) it's the Orioles, and b) they must have really thought they were going to win.

The Os scored 5 runs off of Justin Verlander in the 1st inning. To show you how awesome that is, here's a clip from Verlander's '07 no-hitter. But to start that hot, in a game they had probably already marked in the loss column, and then watch the lead slowly trickle away until a walk-off home run in the 9th, that's just the worst. That's Oilers vs. Bills '93. On a really small scale.

I don't think this loss would hurt as much if it were another team. The Orioles have a special situation that is the most painful, tear-inducing situation in baseball. They have a worse situation than the Nationals, and the Nationals are just gross. The Orioles have the terrible misfortune of being in the AL East. Many, many times throughout the course of the season, they have to go play the Red Sox, the Yankees, the Rays, and the Blue Jays. Those four teams combined have scored over 250 more runs than the combined teams in the NL East that the Nats have to face. What's an Orioles fan to do? You're gonna lose, like, 60 games a year within your division. That's not fun. That's just losing.

So while the Nationals are by far the worst team in baseball, maybe the worst team in any sport, arguably the worst thing in America, they get to play a handful of other teams that are underachieving. They're the team that is hardly a team, more of a novelty item, while the Mets are the real jerk-offs for not getting it done with their high payroll and talent. The Nationals at least have the option to bask in the shadow of more substantial failures than themselves.

Not the Orioles. They just get to try and try and try and never be good enough. They are forever the Cinderella team, but in the 162 game baseball season, being a Cinderella team doesn't work out. You get 15 upset victories and still finish 20 games under .500. It sucks.

I'm sorry Orioles fans. I really am. There's nothing you can do. You can buy Matt Wieters jerseys, and that's very sweet that you've all done that, but you can't go to the playoffs. If you show up for the playoffs, you will not be let in. But you should feel free to take the Nationals out to the park and run circles around them while they drool and try not to topple over. That's fine.