NFC West: UnderDoggy Day Care

When I was a kid, I found the Bermuda Triangle really interesting. I loved that things happened in this particular area that couldn't be explained and some of the stories I read would blame aliens. I was intrigued by the mystery, the crazy puzzle the scientists couldn't solve. The NFC West is exactly the same as the Bermuda Triangle.

They're practically identical. The NFC West is similarly mysterious and has the same problem with people disappearing. There are questions about the NFC West that no one can answer, such as, who will win the division? Who is the Cardinals Quarterback? Do the other Divisions know about the NFC West? And perhaps the most otherworldly thing about this division is that the four teams, teams that would not necessarily win against Division II college teams, all have a shot at making the playoffs.

Yay 49ers! We're still in it! We started 0-5, gave the 1-8 Carolina Panthers their only win to drop to 1-6, and now at 3-6 we're just two games out of first place! And, the best part is, the teams we're chasing are just as bad as we are! Anything is possible in NFC West Bermuda Square of crap teams!

I just talked to a friend who's a Bears Fan and, at 7-3, he doesn't feel at all confident about his team winning the division. He's got the Packers nipping at his heels and the other teams, while not playoff candidates, make the Bears' schedule tough. The Lions could (and did) beat them, and the Vikings can... I have no clue how to describe the Vikings. Good? Bad? Creepy Uncle? The point is, other divisions have multiple teams with winning records, and being 4 games above .500 means nothing. But here in the West, sitting at a sickly 3-6, my 49ers are in the effing hunt! If we can beat the Bucs this weekend, something that grown-up teams would consider very doable, we could be a game out! The Seahawks play the Saints, the Rams play the Falcons, and the Cardinals play the Chiefs! Those are all grown-up teams! All the other bastard redhead teams in the West should lose!

It gets to a point where you don't even want your horrible team to be better than the other horrible teams. If we win the division, we have to go to the playoffs, and in the playoffs, we get MURDERED. I mean, sure, it's sports, anything can happen, except for the team that emerges from the NFC West winning a playoff game. That's a statistical impossibility. Just look at this graph.

Being the cream of the loser crop isn't impressive. It just means you get a lower draft pick, and a few years down the road you can talk about making it to the playoffs in 2010 and hope that no one has any followup questions. Other than that, you're still poop. And I don't care. I want my poop to be the best.

The 49ers have a tremendous handicap in that they play in the West and the division is spectacularly bad. Even given this handicap, they pretty much have to win out to go to the playoffs which is ridiculous (and, I will argue if they win the division, nullifies the handicap. I'm very smart). Their season, by any other divisional standards, would be completely over. But if they beat the Bucs, I get to start thinking about playoffs. Take that, Raiders, Texans, Jaguars, Redskins, Dolphins, Bucs and Saints and other such teams with better records but stronger divisions! You guys are total losers!

Underdogs are Tricky

Hey, reader. Singular. In reference to myself.

All season long, I've been gearing up for a great "49ers: Underdogs" post. I started thinking about it during the summer and I planted little seeds with the posts about their QB situation and the Crabtree ordeal. My plan was to have a couple close losses early, maybe pick up a cheap win against the Rams, and then lose the majority of the games and write bitter things every week.

But my plan got shelved. San Fran jumped out to a hot start, 3-1, with the only loss coming on a RIDICULOUS last-second play by Fart Bavre. My best laid Underdog schemes were... something about Mice and Men. And so for weeks 5-10 I lived in a delusional fog, believing that my team's losses were bad beats, that their win (only 1, just that one shitty win over the Bears) was proof they were back on track, and paying close mind to our record and Wild Card chances.

And then they lost to the Packers last week, the quarterback that could have been defeated the one that is, playoffs became all but impossible, and I finally woke up. Of course the 49ers are an underdog team! They're terrible! They have no clue what their doing or how any of their players are going to play week in and week out! What sort of idiot would think they might have a good season?

I've loved football since I knew how to love things. Every season since I was in grade school has been my favorite thing ever. By now, I should really be aware that there are always a few teams that start hot, get people talking, and then juice up the suck and play to their below-average potential. And I should have known that's what the 49ers were doing this year. Just like the Broncos and the Jets, they started off the season lying to us. They told us they could play football, and did some amateur tricks and we all fell for it. And when they pressed their luck and tried to further the charade, it all came crashing down. Welcome back to suck, 49ers, Jets and Broncos. Welcome back to your home. Hey, give the Texans a call, remind them it's their turn to do dishes. Oh, you already did, Broncos? Just in time for Kris Brown to miss that field goal last night? Great, thanks. Did you tell him how to spell his name? Oh, ok, we can just do that when the Texans get here later.

Sorry to bring you into this, Jets, Broncos and Texans fans. You guys are alright. My team is worse. I'm just trying to make up for the 10 weeks of "My Team is Worse than Yours" talk I missed out on. The 49ers are bad. They're worse than that bad. That one win during this tedious downhill slide? The opposing quarterback threw them the ball, he wasn't intercepted, the 9er D didn't make good plays, they were handed the ball 5 times, and they won 10-6. So. Effing. Bad.

From this point forward, I promise to acknowledge my teams suckage and give it it's due respect. For what is an Underdog Blog when it's writer thinks his team is better than other teams? It's an asshole blog, that's what it is.

Michael Crabtree Holdout: UnderTheBridge

Well done, Michael. You've made my previous post obsolete and I applaud you.

Who knew he was so charming? Who knew he could be so humble? Who knew as soon as he signed I would eat everything I had said and bathe myself in the waters of hypocrisy? Eh, no one knew, no one reads this stuff.

I made three claims in my "I Hate Michael Crabtree" post that is now even less valid than my "Brett Favre Won't be Good" post. Thank God I don't claim to know stuff about sports. Anyway, I said that the 49ers would not sign him and that's the wrongest thing I said. Then I claimed he wouldn't play, and that will prove to be wholly false on October 25th. Lastly, I stated that he will suck. Now, and very unfortunately for me and the rest of the 9er nation (note the ass-pat in that photo), this is my only prediction that could hold water. And I really don't want it to because I bought six Crabtree jerseys the morning after he signed.

I got a lot of congratulation calls after he officially ended his holdout. People seemed so excited for me and I couldn't figure out why. I guess this whole Crabtree saga has put it in all of our minds that he's awesome. No other reason a guy doesn't get signed until October. Right, JaMarcus Russell? I loved Crabtree in college. I hoped against hope that we would draft him. But for every awesome college player that really shows up in the NFL, there are at least two that don't. So, yeah, I'm excited that he signed because we really need a good receiver. I just hope he's a good receiver. And now I'm trying to think back to whether it was clairvoyance or alcohol that made me write he'll suck.

Bottom line, we all love our teams and we'll forgive a lot if it means we might win more games. I've really starting buying in to all the "his agent made him hold out" talk. That's a much nicer story. But I could totally go back to calling him a butthole if he sucks. I may be in your corner now, Mr. Crabtree, but if you're not careful I'll go right back to the lonely corner I was in earlier where I sneer and curse people under my breath. Please don't make me go back. Please just take me to the Superbowl.

Michael Crabtree: Underjerk

You're done, Crabtree. You're done.

I implore all sports analysts around the country to stop writing articles with the "what's gonna happen to Michael Crabtree" theme. Stop wondering who's gonna budge first and what the 49ers grand plan is and all of that. They aren't signing Crabtree. And if they do, he's not playing. And if he plays, he's gonna suck. Because Michael Crabtree sucks.

I'm sorry, Mike, $16 million guaranteed isn't good enough for you? In fact, it's so not good enough for you that you'd rather not sign any contract and wait a year to hopefully make more money? Is it because you were getting $5 million a year to PLAY IN COLLEGE, YOU PRICK? I really can't wrap my mind around $20 million over 5 years with $16 guaranteed not being enough money. It's as though, just before the draft, he made a bid on a very lavish house and knew he was going to have to get a contract for at least $23 guaranteed. Not the 9ers fault, Crabs.

I mean, I'm sorry Al Davis is an idiot. I'm sorry he showered a guy who should have gone in the 2nd round in money and made you feel undervalued. But, you know, shut up. You could have been sitting on more money than most people see in their entire lives, playing for a team that's playing better than most expected (most smart football players would happily take a pay cut to not play for the Raiders) and earning yourself a HUGE contract extension if you played well. But now you aren't playing. You haven't played a competitive game in like 8 months. And you really think taking a season off and reentering the draft is going to get you taken higher than 10th? Is this chick your adviser?

I stopped wanting San Francisco to sign Crabtree back in mid-August, or whenever I first caught wind that he was threatening to skip the season and get drafted again. Soon as I found out this kid who has yet to play a game in the NFL thinks he's better than an entire franchise, I was done with him. I do not want him on my team. I can't imagine the other SF players, the ones who went through the two-a-day work outs of their grueling training camp, who fought for a spot on the roster, who work hard and aren't shitheads, how would they react to Crabtree if he did get signed and joined the team in October. "Oh, hey, you're that guy who thinks he's better than the rest of us. Welcome aboard, if you fumble I'll cut off all our fingers." And imagine what Coach Singletary would do to this kid if he stepped out of line at all. Mike doesn't like divas and, even at 50 or however old he is, he could destroy Crabtree.

No, I'm much more invested in the vindictive, petty emotions that have me wanting to watch Crabtree's career be a bust. There's gotta be a sacrificial lamb for these college players to see so they stop demanding a ton of money before they earn it. Adrian Peterson, the hands down best running back in the game, isn't making a million a year. It'll probably be 20 million a year when he gets his next contract, but he's earned it. Crabtree could never be as vital to an organization as Peterson is to the Vikings, and yet he wants 10 times the pay? I hate you, Michael Crabtree. If for no other reason because you're making my blog serious and angry.

49er QB Debate Like Selling Farts to a Flower

That title is nonsensical and good.


Recent 49er history in brief: 2002 they're ok, 2003 they're bad, 2004 they're almost the Detroit Lions, 2005 they draft Alex Smith. New era. 2005 they're bad, 2006 they're better, 2007 they're seen talking with the Lions at the water cooler, 2008 they turn things around after a 2-7 start and are a week 10 Frank Gore stumble away from making the playoffs. So it looks like Alex Smith is starting to take this team in the right direction. Hm? Oh, he sat out the entire '08 season? Oh, he's 11-19 in his 4-year career? I see, you're saying his career is shot and it's Mike Nolan's fault but nevermind that what's important is that he's done as a Niner? So then Shaun Hill, the guy who actually won those games last year, is starting this season? No? He and Alex Smith are battling for the job? But what about everything you just said, Captain WTF? You're just telling me what you know, got it. Ok.

The current 9er QB situation can best be compared to a poker player who won't fold. Because they drafted Alex Smith in '05 instead of Aaron Rogers like I KEPT TELLING THEM TO DO FROM MY LIVING ROOM, and then signed Smith to a contract equal to what the entire country of Nigeria was awarded from the Global Fund to fight the AIDS virus, it would be foolish and loser-like to just let another, cheaper, less depressing QB take the helm, right? No. Wrong. Bad poker. You lose all your money.

Now, in spite of everything written to this point, I don't hate Alex Smith. The guy has had it rough, and my biggest problem with him is just that I wanted to draft the other guy in '05. But I do want him to do well. My fantasy is that Smith wins the job and goes Kurt Warner '99 on the NFC West. I'm sure that's every 9er fan's dream. But if Smith starts, we go 1-5, then Hill takes over and finishes the season 7-9, I'll have no option but to do a ton of murdering. And the team's track record over the last 6 years makes it a little hard to trust a QB change right now. Let the guy lose first. If all the team has been doing for 6 seasons is losing, and a guy comes along and wins a little, why do you pull him?


So that Alex Smith can be Super Bowl MVP. That's why.


That's the fantasy talking. Here's the thing, and it's one of the big reasons, I think, that losers keep losing. Teams that are stuck in a losing trend often times adopt what I call a "totally cracked-out" method of managing. They do everything within their power to shake things up and be different, hoping that one of the new variations will lead to not being bad. It's what the SF Giants have done the last few terrible seasons, and a little this season, with their sub-par batting order. They move it around so much that no one ever gets a consistent spot and the batting stays bad. It's what the Clippers have done with trades, giving up necessary pieces for appealing pieces and finding themselves no better off than before the trade. It's hard to blame these teams, the fan base would flip if they didn't try to do something. But the manic player shuffle doesn't work very often. A better option is to DRAFT AARON ROGERS. Or just let Frank Gore line up as QB so we can run that wacky Wildcat formation and make cool videos like this.

In short, I'd like to see the guy with a winning record play. But I don't know as much as the guys inside the 49er organization (right? RIGHT??). So pick a guy, SF, let us know who it's gonna be, and then we can all start hoping you didn't blow it. Again.