Baseball Money Phillies Lee #!@$!$!@#!

At some point, someone is supposed to stand up and say, "Enough is enough." But I think that was supposed to happen several hundred thousand million dollars ago.

The Phillies have bought all the best pitchers. But they only did it because the Yankees were trying to do it, and the Yankees HAD to try to do it because they didn't go to the World Series this year even with a payroll upwards of what it would cost to build a high speed train to the fucking moon, so not buying the most expensive player wasn't an option. The Red Sox took it easy and got 2 guys that need 20 million annually, the Nationals thought it looked fun so they spent far more than they earn in ticket sales on a guy in his 30s, and surely the Angels will overpay someone before Spring to prove that they can sign checks too. Meanwhile, the Giants offered World Series MVP Edgar Renteria a 1-year contract worth... 1 million dollars.

It's crazy. These contracts that the big market teams are offering are certifiably insane. But $100 million for 5-years is fast becoming the rule rather than the exception, and that's why Grandpa Jeter is upset that the Yankees didn't want to pay him through his 50th birthday.

I had hoped the Giants would become one of these deep-pocketed teams. I thought a World Series Title would bring us gobs of money to throw at Carl Crawford who would say, "Play for the Giants? Of course I will, you're the best!" And that's pretty much what happened. Carl Crawford may have gone to the Red Sox for $142 million, but we signed Miguel Tejada to a one year deal for 6.5 million dollars, and he's 36! Crawford's only 29! Miguel Tejada is 7 years better than Carl Crawford!

This post isn't as whiny/despondent/pathetic as a lot/all of the other posts, because finance is an excuse-makers' best friend. Most teams can't keep up with the Yankees and Red Sox. Plain and simple, they don't have the capital. And that's a valid argument. "Of course we didn't win. We didn't buy 95 victories" and blah blah blah. It's not a fun argument to make, but it holds water. And when the poor team does win, when the Giants' draft picks and farm system and Barry Zito's 126 million dollar riding-the-bench-behind do win the World Series, it's because we're totally and undeniably awesome and the Phillies and Dodgers are a bunch of chumps.

To a certain degree, I love that other teams will drop a billion dollars bringing in All Stars from a rival club. It leaves the guys who are still trying to earn their money for the rest of us. At the same time, the Red Sox signing Crawford and Adrian Gonzales seems a little bit like cheating. And the Phillies rotation having Halladay, Oswalt, Hamels and now f***ing Cliff Lee seems a LOT like cheating. And the Yankees are cheaters in that they cheat and are cheats.

At the end of the day, I don't hate that the payroll discrepancy makes Major League Baseball outlandishly lopsided at times, these owners are just doing business. But I do think a limit to how much the players get paid wouldn't be a bad thing. Sure, there would be a season or two of Alex Rodriquez crying into his crystal goblets and then taking his yacht out for a day on the water to clear his head before taking his helicopter somewhere out over the Atlantic to dump all his old money that's starting to smell because he's a MILLIONAIRE TIMES ONE HUNDRED. But after that, I think guys would start to realize that $5 mil a year is going to be enough to get by. And then maybe, just maybe, good players would go to less rich teams because they want to play and live in San Francisco because it's truly a wonderful city with a great ballpark and a lot genuinely good people.

NFC West: UnderDoggy Day Care

When I was a kid, I found the Bermuda Triangle really interesting. I loved that things happened in this particular area that couldn't be explained and some of the stories I read would blame aliens. I was intrigued by the mystery, the crazy puzzle the scientists couldn't solve. The NFC West is exactly the same as the Bermuda Triangle.

They're practically identical. The NFC West is similarly mysterious and has the same problem with people disappearing. There are questions about the NFC West that no one can answer, such as, who will win the division? Who is the Cardinals Quarterback? Do the other Divisions know about the NFC West? And perhaps the most otherworldly thing about this division is that the four teams, teams that would not necessarily win against Division II college teams, all have a shot at making the playoffs.

Yay 49ers! We're still in it! We started 0-5, gave the 1-8 Carolina Panthers their only win to drop to 1-6, and now at 3-6 we're just two games out of first place! And, the best part is, the teams we're chasing are just as bad as we are! Anything is possible in NFC West Bermuda Square of crap teams!

I just talked to a friend who's a Bears Fan and, at 7-3, he doesn't feel at all confident about his team winning the division. He's got the Packers nipping at his heels and the other teams, while not playoff candidates, make the Bears' schedule tough. The Lions could (and did) beat them, and the Vikings can... I have no clue how to describe the Vikings. Good? Bad? Creepy Uncle? The point is, other divisions have multiple teams with winning records, and being 4 games above .500 means nothing. But here in the West, sitting at a sickly 3-6, my 49ers are in the effing hunt! If we can beat the Bucs this weekend, something that grown-up teams would consider very doable, we could be a game out! The Seahawks play the Saints, the Rams play the Falcons, and the Cardinals play the Chiefs! Those are all grown-up teams! All the other bastard redhead teams in the West should lose!

It gets to a point where you don't even want your horrible team to be better than the other horrible teams. If we win the division, we have to go to the playoffs, and in the playoffs, we get MURDERED. I mean, sure, it's sports, anything can happen, except for the team that emerges from the NFC West winning a playoff game. That's a statistical impossibility. Just look at this graph.

Being the cream of the loser crop isn't impressive. It just means you get a lower draft pick, and a few years down the road you can talk about making it to the playoffs in 2010 and hope that no one has any followup questions. Other than that, you're still poop. And I don't care. I want my poop to be the best.

The 49ers have a tremendous handicap in that they play in the West and the division is spectacularly bad. Even given this handicap, they pretty much have to win out to go to the playoffs which is ridiculous (and, I will argue if they win the division, nullifies the handicap. I'm very smart). Their season, by any other divisional standards, would be completely over. But if they beat the Bucs, I get to start thinking about playoffs. Take that, Raiders, Texans, Jaguars, Redskins, Dolphins, Bucs and Saints and other such teams with better records but stronger divisions! You guys are total losers!

SF Giants: Under(Dog)mining Themselves

If you want to talk about a team undermining their own accomplishments, you're not going to find a better picture than this shot of Barry Zito, who's pitching really well this year, but apparently accepted the position of Captain on the Douche Squad. Not totally relevant, but f*** me, that's a boner of a photo.

The Giants started out the season 6-1 or something awesome. Then they stopped hitting the baseball and lost a few. Won a few, lost some, did little more than watch the Padres play around them and now find themselves in 3rd or 4th place in a so-so division. Perhaps the saddest part is that it's hard to complain this year because we're actually above .500. Currently.

Why is he leaning on a guitar? Jesus.

Anyway, it's been more of the same with the Giants for so long (top notch pitching, nauseatingly bad hitting) that it's not so much a problem anymore, it's a style of play. It's an identity. They are the team that pitches lights out and averages 4 hits a game. It's part of the game plan, it dictates the order of the lineup, and probably has reached the point where they won't draft hitters. They will avoid signing a big bat for the next few years so that they don't lose their flow. Their shitty, incapable, offensively-dwarfed flow. Also, they need guys that can sing along while Zito plays the acoustic version of "Layla" in the locker room. Does he even play the guitar?

I mean, we just signed Pat Burrell. And I'm sort of excited about it, which is gross. When another team releases a guy because he's old and not producing and then your team signs him, you shouldn't be thrilled. But that's the Giants' version of bringing in a "bat," a guy that can hit homers sometimes but most of the time will not but the "threat" is there. Hey, Giants? Until he hits his 2nd homerun with the club, the "Burrell Threat" is going to stay at really light yellow. Meanwhile, Buster "The Lord Our God" Posey is batting, like, .900 and has about 3 RBIs because there's never anyone on base ahead of him.

Long and short of it, when your pitcher only gives up one or two runs, you should feel good about your chances of winning, and I don't. When the first two batters of an inning reach base, you shouldn't think, "these guys are not making it home," and that's my immediate thought. And when you have men on 2nd ad 3rd with one out, it shouldn't be possible for your leading RBI man Juan Uribe to hit into a double play, and yet it's oddly expected. But, to be fair, it can be distracting when the count is 2-2 and you hear Barry Mraz Zito tuning his axe in the dugout. His hair is really perfectly wind-blown in the picture.

Hair of the Underdog: KU and Racer 5 IPA

Well, it's been a week since the Kansas Jayhawks shit the bed against the Northern Iowa Butt Pirates, and I think I'm finally ready to talk about what I used to try and kill myself after watching KU fall apart and ruin my life.

Some people don't like IPAs because of the bitter, hoppy flavor, but I just love them. The hoppiness gives the beer a little floral hint and sometimes just a touch of fruit. This particular IPA, the Racer 5 from the Bear Republic Brewery in Healdsburg, CA, has a bold flavor with traces of grapefruit. I find hoppy beers like this one to be very refreshing after you've yelled yourself hoarse because your team can't make free-throws in the final two minutes.

Also making this beer a winner is its high alcohol content but with little alcoholic flavor like you get with some other beers that are around 7%. This helps for continued enjoyment while you drink away the memory of the bullshit that transpired earlier. It also means you don't need to drink as many, though what does it really matter when your team is the overall favorite and still can't get to the Sweet 16?

Racer 5 is available in many grocery stores, but if you have the opportunity I highly recommend visiting the actualy brewery in Northern California. Healdsburg is a delightful little town and the brewery serves delicious burgers to go along with their giant pitchers of beer. They even have TVs, so you can watch University of Northern Iowa basketball games. Oh, they're never televised? I guess they aren't really that good a team. But Healdsburg is gorgeous during the spring and summer and it's in the heart of the Sonoma County wine country, giving one the option to continue drinking if several pints of Racer 5 isn't enough to erase the image of the 7-foot tall Jordan Eglseder proudly tugging on his UNI jersey while Jayhawk players lay on the court crying. But we can talk about wine when baseball season starts.

Underwhelmed: The 2009 New York Giants

This was a difficult season to stomach as a Giants fan. Bright spots: Eli had his best statistical season of his career. That’s about it. In fact, that is it. Overall there was simply a lack of confidence oozing from the pores of every player on the team. The only part of the squad that thrived was the passing game, and there’s definitely reason to be optimistic about the future with this young, athletic playmaking receiving corps.

Something to build on, but there’s lots of building to do. Their special teams are AWFUL. They need to completely start over. They were top 5 in fair catches, 14^th (out of 16) in the NFC in kick-off return average and dead last in the NFC in net punt yards. Just atrocious. Cut Hixon altogether, find a punter who was born this century, and overpay (if you must) to get a kicker in whom we all can have even a modicum of confidence to hit a field goal over 38 yards. If you look at the stats Tynes wasn’t that bad, but…that’s news to me. This one in particular still stings. Plus I feel confident in making a million dollar bet with him that he can't kick a touchback. Just one Larry? Please?

I need to take a minute to focus on Hixon. I wish I had a youtube compilation video of his repeated, zero-threat kick and punt returns. I mean, I know he returned a kick for a TD this season, but big deal. He basically got lucky. Somebody fell down or something. He has this wildly undeserved reputation. He’s nearly as bad as a receiver. He doesn’t come back to the ball, is one of the least physical wide-outs I’ve ever seen…ugh. Get him out of my face.

As far as defense goes, there are two universal keys to success in the NFL: pressure the QB and create turnovers. In a league where there’s so much talent on the offensive side of the ball – even on mediocre teams – you need to do at least one of those two things really well if you want to go far. The Giants’ team sack totals the last three seasons are as follows: 53, 42, 32. Uh-oh. And they ended the ’09 season with a -5 turnover differential. Formula for losing right there. They’ve got some pieces they can build around (healthy Tuck, Ross, Phillips, Webster, Boley, Goff, Kiwanuka) though, so it's not a complete demo job.

I’ve got a radical idea for how they can jumpstart the franchise for next season. I’m not a college football expert by any means, but I’ve seen this kid from Nebraska Ndamukong Suh. The kid is a sure thing. He’s an unrelenting beast. If you’re the Giants, why not try to trade up for the number 1 pick and draft him? Call up the Rams, offer them Osi Umenyiora and your 1^st round pick, and give them something to think about. If you were the Rams wouldn’t you do that deal? You end up with a first-round pick, plus a proven defensive player that just needs a change of scenery. Plus Spagnuolo has a relationship with him already.

I think that’s a good deal. It breathes some life into the defensive line without shaking it up too much. I didn’t even get into the running game here, but I think it was just kind of a fluky season. Wouldn’t hurt to draft some re-enforcements, though. They’ve got the resources and competent enough management. I'm looking forward to 2010.

Beyond Underdogs: The Whale's Vagina Padres

Calling them the “Whale’s Vagina Padres” is neither here nor there; I just wanted to be splashy. Anyways, it’s a good thing no one in San Diego knows the Padres are still there because, if they did, they’d be upset.

I’m starting to think GM Jed Hoyer made an agreement with previous GM Kevin Towers to continue his legacy of intentionally remaking the Padres into the most anonymous team in all of MLB. Except I think Hoyer will take it one step further and turn it into some sort of avant-garde performance piece. By June he’ll have dealt away Chris Young, Adrian Gonzalez, Kevin Kouzmanoff and Heath Bell, strictly accepting obscure Double-A players only. Then soon afterwards he will arrange to have all the players’ names removed from the backs of their jerseys, rendering them unrecognizable to the announcers and fans. There will be no media programs published; MLB.com and ESPN.com will be forced to sign confidentiality agreements agreeing to never post the identities of the Padres’ players on their sites. At the end of the season at some art show in SoHo there will be a retrospective of the 2010 San Diego Padres season to commemorate the team’s visionary artistic achievement.

But seriously, what happens if they trade Adrian Gonzalez and Kevin Kouzmanoff? Will the league have no choice but to demote them to Triple-A? Will they be put up on foreclosure, bought by Mark Cuban, and moved to Las Vegas, San Jose…Dallas? I kind of want this to happen the same way people want the government to get so corrupt it collapses on itself in a fascinating wreck of dysfunction and chaos.

What would the city of San Diego do with that stadium they worked so hard to make the centerpiece of the downtown landscape? Would they just remodel it into a football stadium and let the Chargers play there? Would they upgrade to stainless steel appliances and granite countertops and hope to find a buyer willing to pay full price (desperate Southern California homeowner joke)? It does have great curb appeal…

The most amazing part is that despite all this, the Padres vastly outperformed their circumstances. They overachieved like a bastard in 2009. Their 2009 Pythagorean W-L record was 67-95. Long story short, that’s what their record SHOULD have been based on the team statistics. Their actual record? 75-87 – 8 games better than what it should have been. In baseball that’s pretty significant. Then if you look at their season month-by-month, you see that if they had just managed to go .500 for June and July they would have ended up 85-77 – above .500 and better than the Cubs, Brewers and Reds – and finishing 5^th versus 8^th in the wild card standings.

I suppose that’s all hypothetical gibberish since they DIDN’T do any of that, and were a pretty crappy team that in a fluke went 17-9 in September. But it begs a question for the management of the organization. You really can’t just do a little bit better? Is the team really that bankrupt? How can you be totally unable to keep any veteran good players? How much of this is simply the ubiquitous corporate mentality of profit-not-product first? I don’t know the details of the team’s financial situation. I know the owner went through a nasty divorce this year and was allegedly…apparently…trying to devalue the team since it was his biggest financial asset so that he would owe less to his wife.

So my second question is for someone like Mark Cuban, who kicked the tires on a franchise that would cost him about a bajillion times more to buy (the Cubs), why not put in an offer on the Dads and spice up the NL West a whole lot? Good time to do it with the ridiculous 2011 free agent class looming. Carl Crawford and Joe Mauer would look good in those Padres fatigues uniforms...*

*No, they wouldn't. I was just saying that as an ending to my column. Those are the ugliest uniforms in the history of baseball.

Jayhawks: Over-Underbird

I have one team that's not an Underdog at all. They're consistently good, they recently won a national championship, and my fanship totally makes me look like a front-runner since I'm not from Kansas. But I was raised on Jayhawk basketball and I've been by their side through thick and thin. That journey is why I can boldly state that they're an Underdog. A 10-0, #1 ranked Underdog.

Until '08, when they beat Memphis and I developed a monumental man-crush on Mario Chalmers, the Jayhawks hadn't claimed a title in 20 years. Yeah yeah, some teams have never won at all, blah blah blah, shut up, Gonzaga. In that 20 year span, I'm guessing Kansas had somewhere around eight #1 rankings (tried to research that stat, got bored, gave up). At some point, "Number One" became synonymous with "Disappointment". Being the favorite is when KU does some of its worst work, as seen with the Jayhawks' first round losses to 13th and 14th ranked teams in the '05 and '06 tournaments, respectively. And since the rest of the teams I faithfully support can't make the playoffs to save their lives, forgive me for preparing for the hard fall when my #1 seeded Jayhawks lose to the Corn-Weasles of Southeastern N. Dakota Technical Institute in an upset that forces the B- state of Kansas out of the Union.

I will not blather on about the "target on our back". That's one of my least favorite sports analogies. Top seeds don't lose because of a #1-shaped bullseye. Everybody wants to beat everybody. If anything, the favorites win more games because their opponents play scared. Isn't that right, 49ers against the Colts in week 8? You don't lose because teams are gunning for you, it's because you're awesome and you get comfortable and then you blow it. Isn't that right, USC vs Texas in the '05 Rose Bowl? And until '08 when Fabio Chalmers saved the world, I had watched the Jayhawks get comfortable and blow it a lot. Like, every year. Like, all the years when they were stacked, with Pierce, LaFrentz, Ostertag, Vaughn, Gooden, Collison, and lots of other players that haven't amounted to much in the NBA (Pierce excluded. Calm down, Boston). And when you're the consensus #1, blowing it is really the only option other than winning the whole thing. You either win every game and get crowned National Champion, or you lose and are a failure.

This is not to say that I don't love winning and the decent chances of taking it all. It's awesome. Two titles in three years will alleviate almost all of the misery caused by the Golden State Warriors. But I can't get excited about Jayhawk wins. We're supposed to win every game, usually by 13+ points. After a season of Giants baseball and 3/4 of a 49er season where every win is like a little kiss from Jesus, this is tough. It seems I'm much better equiped to cheer for shitty teams. Certainly more qualified to write about them.

In truth, I'm miserable. My team is awesome but they're not allowed to lose. And if they do, I won't be able to say, "At least the _________s are good," because all my other teams are bad. I'll only be able to say, "Typical." They have to win it all, or else the whole season will just be another joyless turd to go with all the other turds my beloved sports teams have pooped.

Underdogs are Tricky

Hey, reader. Singular. In reference to myself.

All season long, I've been gearing up for a great "49ers: Underdogs" post. I started thinking about it during the summer and I planted little seeds with the posts about their QB situation and the Crabtree ordeal. My plan was to have a couple close losses early, maybe pick up a cheap win against the Rams, and then lose the majority of the games and write bitter things every week.

But my plan got shelved. San Fran jumped out to a hot start, 3-1, with the only loss coming on a RIDICULOUS last-second play by Fart Bavre. My best laid Underdog schemes were... something about Mice and Men. And so for weeks 5-10 I lived in a delusional fog, believing that my team's losses were bad beats, that their win (only 1, just that one shitty win over the Bears) was proof they were back on track, and paying close mind to our record and Wild Card chances.

And then they lost to the Packers last week, the quarterback that could have been defeated the one that is, playoffs became all but impossible, and I finally woke up. Of course the 49ers are an underdog team! They're terrible! They have no clue what their doing or how any of their players are going to play week in and week out! What sort of idiot would think they might have a good season?

I've loved football since I knew how to love things. Every season since I was in grade school has been my favorite thing ever. By now, I should really be aware that there are always a few teams that start hot, get people talking, and then juice up the suck and play to their below-average potential. And I should have known that's what the 49ers were doing this year. Just like the Broncos and the Jets, they started off the season lying to us. They told us they could play football, and did some amateur tricks and we all fell for it. And when they pressed their luck and tried to further the charade, it all came crashing down. Welcome back to suck, 49ers, Jets and Broncos. Welcome back to your home. Hey, give the Texans a call, remind them it's their turn to do dishes. Oh, you already did, Broncos? Just in time for Kris Brown to miss that field goal last night? Great, thanks. Did you tell him how to spell his name? Oh, ok, we can just do that when the Texans get here later.

Sorry to bring you into this, Jets, Broncos and Texans fans. You guys are alright. My team is worse. I'm just trying to make up for the 10 weeks of "My Team is Worse than Yours" talk I missed out on. The 49ers are bad. They're worse than that bad. That one win during this tedious downhill slide? The opposing quarterback threw them the ball, he wasn't intercepted, the 9er D didn't make good plays, they were handed the ball 5 times, and they won 10-6. So. Effing. Bad.

From this point forward, I promise to acknowledge my teams suckage and give it it's due respect. For what is an Underdog Blog when it's writer thinks his team is better than other teams? It's an asshole blog, that's what it is.

Michael Crabtree Holdout: UnderTheBridge

Well done, Michael. You've made my previous post obsolete and I applaud you.

Who knew he was so charming? Who knew he could be so humble? Who knew as soon as he signed I would eat everything I had said and bathe myself in the waters of hypocrisy? Eh, no one knew, no one reads this stuff.

I made three claims in my "I Hate Michael Crabtree" post that is now even less valid than my "Brett Favre Won't be Good" post. Thank God I don't claim to know stuff about sports. Anyway, I said that the 49ers would not sign him and that's the wrongest thing I said. Then I claimed he wouldn't play, and that will prove to be wholly false on October 25th. Lastly, I stated that he will suck. Now, and very unfortunately for me and the rest of the 9er nation (note the ass-pat in that photo), this is my only prediction that could hold water. And I really don't want it to because I bought six Crabtree jerseys the morning after he signed.

I got a lot of congratulation calls after he officially ended his holdout. People seemed so excited for me and I couldn't figure out why. I guess this whole Crabtree saga has put it in all of our minds that he's awesome. No other reason a guy doesn't get signed until October. Right, JaMarcus Russell? I loved Crabtree in college. I hoped against hope that we would draft him. But for every awesome college player that really shows up in the NFL, there are at least two that don't. So, yeah, I'm excited that he signed because we really need a good receiver. I just hope he's a good receiver. And now I'm trying to think back to whether it was clairvoyance or alcohol that made me write he'll suck.

Bottom line, we all love our teams and we'll forgive a lot if it means we might win more games. I've really starting buying in to all the "his agent made him hold out" talk. That's a much nicer story. But I could totally go back to calling him a butthole if he sucks. I may be in your corner now, Mr. Crabtree, but if you're not careful I'll go right back to the lonely corner I was in earlier where I sneer and curse people under my breath. Please don't make me go back. Please just take me to the Superbowl.

Michael Crabtree: Underjerk

You're done, Crabtree. You're done.

I implore all sports analysts around the country to stop writing articles with the "what's gonna happen to Michael Crabtree" theme. Stop wondering who's gonna budge first and what the 49ers grand plan is and all of that. They aren't signing Crabtree. And if they do, he's not playing. And if he plays, he's gonna suck. Because Michael Crabtree sucks.

I'm sorry, Mike, $16 million guaranteed isn't good enough for you? In fact, it's so not good enough for you that you'd rather not sign any contract and wait a year to hopefully make more money? Is it because you were getting $5 million a year to PLAY IN COLLEGE, YOU PRICK? I really can't wrap my mind around $20 million over 5 years with $16 guaranteed not being enough money. It's as though, just before the draft, he made a bid on a very lavish house and knew he was going to have to get a contract for at least $23 guaranteed. Not the 9ers fault, Crabs.

I mean, I'm sorry Al Davis is an idiot. I'm sorry he showered a guy who should have gone in the 2nd round in money and made you feel undervalued. But, you know, shut up. You could have been sitting on more money than most people see in their entire lives, playing for a team that's playing better than most expected (most smart football players would happily take a pay cut to not play for the Raiders) and earning yourself a HUGE contract extension if you played well. But now you aren't playing. You haven't played a competitive game in like 8 months. And you really think taking a season off and reentering the draft is going to get you taken higher than 10th? Is this chick your adviser?

I stopped wanting San Francisco to sign Crabtree back in mid-August, or whenever I first caught wind that he was threatening to skip the season and get drafted again. Soon as I found out this kid who has yet to play a game in the NFL thinks he's better than an entire franchise, I was done with him. I do not want him on my team. I can't imagine the other SF players, the ones who went through the two-a-day work outs of their grueling training camp, who fought for a spot on the roster, who work hard and aren't shitheads, how would they react to Crabtree if he did get signed and joined the team in October. "Oh, hey, you're that guy who thinks he's better than the rest of us. Welcome aboard, if you fumble I'll cut off all our fingers." And imagine what Coach Singletary would do to this kid if he stepped out of line at all. Mike doesn't like divas and, even at 50 or however old he is, he could destroy Crabtree.

No, I'm much more invested in the vindictive, petty emotions that have me wanting to watch Crabtree's career be a bust. There's gotta be a sacrificial lamb for these college players to see so they stop demanding a ton of money before they earn it. Adrian Peterson, the hands down best running back in the game, isn't making a million a year. It'll probably be 20 million a year when he gets his next contract, but he's earned it. Crabtree could never be as vital to an organization as Peterson is to the Vikings, and yet he wants 10 times the pay? I hate you, Michael Crabtree. If for no other reason because you're making my blog serious and angry.

Hair of the Underdog: SF Giants and Bowmore

The walk-off home run to Prince Fielder started it. I mean, really? A walk-off to Prince? How cliche, with an accent over the e that I don't know how to make. But what really sent me into this bender was losing the series to the Padres. The effing Padres, man. They're so bad. But I guess they aren't as bad as the Giants. And that's why I've had so much scotch.

It's tough that Giants' losses drive me to drink. But they do, so I'm gonna write about it. If my teams losing just made me totally despondent and unable to communicate my sorrow, I wouldn't have a blog, much less a blog as successful and well known as this one. Fortunately for everyone, the Giants current tailspin hasn't made me want to give up on life, it's just made me want to attack life with alcohol. And one of the weapons I use is Bowmore.

It's a great scotch for those of you who like a peaty scotch but don't want to feel like you're gnawing on a camp fire. I'm not a booze wizard and I don't have an expansive frame of reference, but I find Bowmore to be a slightly milder version of the really bold scotches that cost you $70 a bottle. Also, it helps you forget you lost two out of three to the fucking Padres.

I got a bottle for... I think $37 or so, not cheap, but more than worth the money. Throw in a couple ice cubes or a splash of water and it's just a delight. Then watch Aaron Rowand ground into a triple play and have another. Bowmore is one of the Islay distilleries, located on the island of Islay off the coast of Scotland. The Islay scotches are some of the best, or so I have been told and read just now while trying to learn about this post that I'm writing. I have had a few of the other Islay whiskeys and liked them all, but I'll save that discussion for when the Giants get swept by the Dodgers this weekend and/or don't make the playoffs. Apparently these scotches get a lot of their unique flavor from the water that they use, with the southern distilleries using the brown, peat heavy waters and the northern distilleries getting their water directly from the spring so it's a little less smokey. Bowmore is more centrally located, giving it a nice balance of the two. I just paraphrased all that directly from this source.

I hate the Giants. At least the last two seasons their playoff hopes were dashed in July so my depression peaked before August. Now they're only 4 games out of the wild card race, behind the Rockies who are currently the worst thing in my life. It's almost a given that the Giants will close the playoff gap and then lose 4 out of 5 in heartbreaking fashion. So being within striking distance of the postseason is almost worse than being totally horrible.

Those Colorado jerk-offs cannot lose. They just now scored 5 runs in an inning to go up 5-1 over the Reds. Like they knew I was in the midst of a Giants-mourning post and they wanted to help. Thank you, Garrett Atkins, you've made everything so much easier. Go drown yourself. In a delicious glass of Bowmore!

What the F, Ned Coletti?

BREAKING NEWS: Vicente Padilla turns down starring role in new “Nightmare on Elm Street” movie to pitch for Dodgers!

In all seriousness, though.  Why in the world did the Dodgers sign Vicente Padilla?  

...So the fans would have someone to actively disdain every day and make negative character assessments about? 

...As a cautionary tale for their young Latino fanbase? 

...To start a swine flu epidemic in Los Angeles?   

Are they trying to ruin the best team chemistry in MLB?  This article has one of the best headlines I've ever seen: "Los Angeles Dodgers: Vicente Padilla Brings Uncertainly, Swine Flu."  Is that what his scouting report says?  They forgot "ability to incite brawls" and "penchant for alienating teammates."  

Bizarre move, Ned.  For those of us keeping score at home, let me sum this up: you had pretty good odds of making the World Series as constituted, and had opportunities to add Cliff Lee or Roy Halladay to your staff and, reportedly, Adrian Gonzalez and/or Heath Bell at the trading deadline and we're talking about your favorable odds to win it all. But you opted to pull Vicente Padilla out of the Rangers' dumpster instead.  

...I'm starting to wonder how good you are at being a GM.  Jason Schmidt, Andruw Jones, re-signing Furcal, being totally in the dark about Manny, not making a major move at the deadline and watching the other NL contenders get better...Prospects are just prospects.  You've got the money now get some balls.  

Also, will you please build a subway extension from Union Station to Dodger Stadium?  Think about how amazing and sensible that would be.  Think about how many more people who are discouraged by traffic and the parking situation ::raises hand:: would actually go to games more than once or twice a season.  

Come on, get your act together.  

NL West: Underdivision

How did the NL West go from unrelenting shitshow to best division in the National League? To give you an idea of how radical this is, the Dodgers finished 8^th in the league standings in 2008 and they won the division! This sort of year-to-year phenomenon is rare in a sport like baseball. But here we are – heading into the stretch run with 3 NL West teams battling for 2 playoff spots.

Based on the fact that the Rockies are against winning games vs. the Dodgers (3-12 so far), I think Big Blue will hang on to win the NL West crown…followed by a bunch of people in East LA firing guns wildly into the air. However, I’m about 98% convinced the Rockies snatch the wildcard, and make for exciting October baseball again. And despite what the “experts” (seriously, click on this link; it's mind-blowing how wrong professional baseball analysts can be) say, my bold prediction is that the Colorado Rockies will win the 2009 NL pennant.

It’s not as though this came out of nowhere. The Rocks did it in 2007 against teams that were reportedly better, and that core is mostly in tact (minus Holliday, of course) and more experienced. The biggest difference is their pitching, which has been way better this year all around. They also have great chemistry and a great home crowd – as evidenced by the reaction to that walk-off slam vs. Los Gigantes earlier this week.

Looking at the stats, the usual offensive prowess stands out (top 5 in OPS, OBP, SLG and runs scored) but in a shocking turn of events, the Colorado Rockies are 1^st in quality starts in the NL. Pardon my Moroccan, but what the fuck? The rest of the traditional pitching stats are pretty average, but if you scratch the surface there are some other little nuggets that show they’re doing what it takes to win games. Specifically, they’re not blowing them. They only have 11 blown saves all season and have the 3^rd best save percentage in the NL. Brad Lidge has blown 9 games by himself. Rockies pitchers also get the 2^nd most run support in the league. The bottom line is they’re winning games, and that’s what counts.

The schedule is looking kind the rest of the way. They get to play the lowly Mets, Padres and D-Bags a total of 15 times, plus 6 games against the Brew Crew and the Cards. On paper you’d think that’s a bad thing, but the Rockies are a combined 7-0 this season against those two teams!

I’m excited for September in the NL West. The Dodgers and Rockies finish the year with a 3-game weekend set here at El Estadio Doyer. You bet I’m going to at least one of those games. Sadly the Giants look like they’re fading, and with them my hopes of seeing Timmy Lincecum pitch on a national stage in the playoffs. There’s time left, but it’s running out. More on that later…

Kickers: Underpeople

They always look silly, don't they?

It was only a preseason game, so some of you might not yet know about wide-receiver Chad Ochocinco's extra point kick against the Patriots last night. Here's a link to the video so you can see how non-spectacular yet post worthy it was. Regular kicker Shane Graham had a pulled groin muscle and it was an exhibition game, so Chad got the call. And he nailed it, great PAT, split the uprights, just a textbook kick. As if kickers weren't already low enough on the Totem Pole.

They are the butt of all football jokes. Kickers, aside from Sebastian Janikowski, are always the smallest guys on the sideline, sitting around through 95% of the game, coming out occasionally to score one point, kick off, or kick a 3-point attempt if they're lucky. God forbid a kick return makes it through the first line of defense and the kicker has to make a tackle (unless it's Janikowski). When they make a field goal, it's nothing to write home about because it's the only thing they do. When they miss, they're bad at the only thing they do. If they start to think they're important and talk a little trash, they get put back in their place at the kids' table. I mean, come on, the bad guy in Ace Ventura is a retired kicker who missed a big kick. They just have it the worst.

The role of the kicker has become a serious discussion around the football table. Some people truly believe they should be removed from the game, as they occasionally have the weight of the world on their shoulders at the end of a game in which they've played little or no part. Some people don't like that, personally I think it's a fine twist. Extra points are boring, so when one gets missed it's a cheap thrill. Three points can be enough of a difference maker that I like to see a guy try a 40+ yarder. I think they're a good element of the game. Like this talented but boring kid.

The point is, kickers have a lot to worry about. They have to worry about losing their jobs to Kathy Ireland in the movie Necessary Roughness. They have to worry about someone in the NFL realizing everyone in Europe and Latin America that was raised playing soccer is better at kicking than these American booters. They have to worry about getting stepped on and squished by a lineman or a defensive end. And now they have to worry about hot-dogging receivers stepping in and doing their job while they nurse, of all injuries, a strained groin.

I pity you, kickers. For while you can become heroes by winning Superbowls with last-second kicks, you can become the most despised, worthless, turd of a person if you miss. You're the most specialized, least athletic, tiniest players in the game, and it isn't your fault. Sure, you could have all become jockeys instead and looked less ridiculous by comparison, but you chose the NFL and that's just great. But you are very small. And we are all laughing at you.

Brett Favre: Underdouche

In a follow-up to the previous Brett Favre posting,  I found this chart online that sort of quantifies what has happened with this whole fake-out retirement saga the past couple of years. (click to enlarge)

As you can see, there was a dramatic spike beginning in 2007 in Favre's doucheocity quotient. This was calculated by taking a composite score of Favre's doucheocity based on his actions, measured against the statistical standard.  

The whole ordeal is lamentable for a guy who started out the way he did and who has overcome so much adversity in his personal life.  The worst part about the whole thing is that if you take these data and cross reference them with housing and stock market data during this time period there's a clear direct correlation between Favre's increasing doucheocity and the steep decline of the other two.  So, thanks for that Brett.  You've ruined everything.

For the Record, Brett Favre is Old

Clearly I'm missing something. It can't be that I'm correct and Favre shouldn't be playing anymore because there's too much effort to get him back on a team. I have to assume that more experienced people know better than I do and Brett isn't just a quarterback who is well past the twilight and settling into the 4pm dinner, in bed by 7:30 part of his career. Right? Did his recent surgery give him Rookie of the Year powers that only the Vikings know about? I really want to know what's going on. A 39 year old who holds the record for most INTs thrown just got signed for $10-12 million and I want to know WHAT THE F$%# IS GOING ON.

I love Brett Favre. The guy is charming and so fun to watch (up until the 4th quarter when he gets that glazed-over look in his eye and his decision making ability goes out the window). But so was Bobby Layne. Why don't you know who Bobby Layne is? Because he retired when he was supposed to, that's why.

To be fair, Brett Favre retired when he was supposed to, or at least started talking about it around the time he was supposed to. To be unfair, HE KEEPS COMING BACK. He is the horror story that coaches tell their young quarterbacks to scare them into shape. "Play well out there and don't dick around or Brett Favre will come and take your job." The last 4 years of his career have become a total farce. And that one season, that glorious, beautiful, should-have-gone-to-the-Superbowl-except-he-blew-it season, the one that would have been the perfect high note to leave on minus the part when he blew it, is why we're stuck with him retiring and un-retiring forever. I get it, he couldn't let his tremendous career end with an interception. Even though there really isn't a more fitting way it could have ended.

Didn't he push his luck by coming back last year? Wasn't that the extra season that the Powers That Be awarded him for being such a fun-loving guy? Doesn't he run a high risk of being actually pulverized by 22 year old, 260 pound with 1% body-fat linebackers? Maybe I'm the only one who thinks that. Apparently, according to the Vikings ownership, having an entitled old man make mistakes is better than starting a younger player who still has the ability to learn and get better. Brett Favre does not have that ability. His brain is made out of rocks.

I do wonder, as do all of you, and I'd love to hear from some Vikings fans on this, if all the Favre criticism and doubting just goes out the window when he comes to your team. I'm not entirely sure how I'd feel if it was the 49ers courting him right now. We've got quarterback issues, we could use some experience at that position, and Brett Favre has got over 50 years of professional experience. He's not a guy who polarizes a team the way Terrell Owens or Steve Smith do, so there isn't the fear of whether or not Favre will undo the locker room. The concern is just whether or not he can still play. From an outside perspective, it's seems like he's getting a little old to play at a high level. He's definitely still better than some of the QBs in the league, but he's a far cry from a guaranteed playoff birth. He also doesn't think rules apply to him anymore and is twice the age of all the other players in the league so we won't take criticism. And he's got this weird vendetta against the Packers, like they purposefully slighted him when they were just trying field a team while he whimpered about retirement. Hmmm. I'm really glad he's not going to the 49ers.

Brett Favre. He is not a quitter.

In the battle against time, we are all losers, or, an open letter to Jamie Moyer

Dear Jamie Moyer,

Come on.

I'm sorry, you feel "misled?" Kind of like the way you misled the Phillies into paying you 13 million dollars over 2 years by having a halfway decent season last year and now you suck? Oh, you're "really not happy with this decision that the Phillies have made?" Well, I'm sure the Phillies aren't happy with the fact that you suck. You're "not real excited?" Kind of like the entire Philadelphia fanbase anytime you start a game? Or throw a pitch? Because you suck?

Ok, ok, I understand you're like 86 years old and that should count for something, but hear me out: No it should not. There are lots of things that 86 year olds cannot and should not do, despite their many years of accumulating wisdom, experience, and creative racial slurs.

Yeah, you lead your team in wins. I guess that's cool. You also lead them in losses, so you've got that going for you. But factor in your team providing you with an average of 8.25 runs per game, which is the 4th highest in the NL among pitchers with at least 100 IP, and you realize how little any of that actually matters. You've made 9 quality starts out of 22. J.A. Happ, the young pup who it is insinuated, via your logic, should have been bumped from the rotation in favor of Jheri curled behemoth Pedro Martinez, has made 14 starts this year, 11 of which have been quality starts.

Maybe this is a relatively new development for a man of your distinguished 134 years of age, so I will spell it out plainly: Baseball is a game of performance, and when teams field their best players, it gives them the best chance to win. I know, it's pretty "out there" and "groovy," "man," but you surprisingly do not get extra points for having the oldest dude or the youngest dude, or the fattest dude, or the dude you can't believe went out in public like that. There is no "Days Alive" stat on the back of your 567 different baseball cards.

But you know what is on the back of that last card? Here, let me pull out your invisible baseball card that I don't own. Oh here. Let me flip this bad boy over. You still with me, Jamie? What? Oh fine, you can go to the bathroom.

...

...

Hey, welcome back. No, no problem, I understand. Incontinence comes for us all. Anyways, here it is: 5.47 ERA and 1.5 WHIP. Those are 2 real live stats that are on this made up baseball card of yours. That is bad. Those are the stats of a bad pitcher. You are a bad pitcher. There is nothing about this demotion that doesn't make sense, so stop - I'm not yelling. I'm not, I'm just speaking loudly. Ok, fine, I'll lower my voice. I get it, you're sensitive to loud things because you're old. Yes, that last bit was a little on the nose. No, I don't know how this started as a fake letter and turned into a fake speech delivered in person either. Your guess is as good as mine.

It'll give you something to think about while warming up during the 6th inning.

Oh Hey, Eagles, What's going onnNNOOOOOOOOO!!!

It's funny writing this article the day after Dilz's post about Vick because I'm of the same opinion that he should be, if not forgiven, at least allowed. I mean, if he's served the court's sentence, stopped doing terrible things, and starts serving the community since he knows he'll be crucified if he doesn't, what else can we ask of him? Unless he's going to prison forever, it's sorta dumb to not let him play football. Because that only leaves dog fighting as a vocation, and then we're just back where we started.

So I'm all for him being readmitted into the NFL. And I think the Eagles are big dumb morons for signing him.

Eagles, have you paid any attention to your quarterback environment over the last several seasons? Donnovan McNabb, one of the better QBs in the last decade, has been booed and jeered because he gets injured too much on account of playing really hard. He doesn't harm animals during his injury time and he's really good when he plays. He had a great finish to last season, getting his team into the playoffs and a game away from the Superbowl. He was rewarded with a nice contract extension, a sign that the organization recognized his work and wanted him to lead them forward. The Eagles had their longest controversy-free stretch in a few years, and then they signed an outlaw who plays the same position as McNabb.

How is this going to work? The fans will hate it, because Eagles fans love to hate things. McNabb will stand by Vick, because he's an admirable guy who knows that anyone and everyone is a better teammate than TO, and then Philadelphia will turn on him ex post facto as an accomplice to dog fighting. The city already half-hates coach Andy Reid, but he's such a boring guy that it's sort of a waste of time to dislike him. They can't hate Westbrook because he's too good, so it all falls almost exclusively on the quarterback, now quarterbacks. And when you've got PETA people and Eagle fans hating you, you've got no one.

From strictly a football standpoint, I like the move. McNabb, Vick and Westbrook make a terrifying backfield that would be nimble with two good arms. Defenses would try to prepare for a Wildcat type thing, but it would be such a QB-heavy version and the Eagles have such a solid group of receivers that the options would be sky high. Vick doesn't have to step in and be the leader, he gets to be a role player under less pressure (in theory) and less scrutinized (ha), and the team adds a weapon that had his ego killed in prison.

But, no, none of that matters, because it's just going to be a negative media circus fueled by fans that are excited to have a new grudge. Not a game will be televised without shots of the "Dogs are People, Too" and "Send Vick to the Pound" and "We'd Rather have Stallworth" posters that everyone will bring. Then angry Eagles fans will go home and pet their dogs and beat their wives and remember the good old days when mild-mannered Ron Jaworski was at the helm. It's not like Vick would have it easy with another team, but I really think Philly is a bottom five choice, just above Cleveland (the Dog Pound? No sir.) and the Vikings (instead of Favre you got this?). If he had gone to the Cowboys or the Raiders he would have been model citizen. Not just for the hoodlum players on both of those teams but for their deviant fan bases as well. Raider fans are dangerous people and you should call the authorities if you see one.

Vick's second chance sucks. It's probably how it should be, to really hammer home that he did something wrong. Philadelphia folks will make sure he's aware of that. I just hope they also notice when he completes his 40 trillion hours of community service and donates a third of what he makes to the humane society. But some lunatic will probably flood his house with ferocious pit bulls before Vick even takes a snap. Then, having nothing to do with all these pit bulls, the guy will start a dog fighting ring. He'll be conflicted but also addicted to the thrill. When he finally sees the terrible circle his life has completed, he'll rile up the pit bulls and turn them on himself. And that's the premise for my screenplay.

Michael Vick: (illegal)Underdog(fighting circuit)

But seriously, let's recap.  

Back in 2000 Ray Lewis was arrested and faced trial for his (alleged) role in the killing of two dudes, but got off by testifying against his friends.  He faced zero repercussions from the NFL.  The circumstances were fishy.  The Fulton County DA at the time said the truth had been "shielded."

Travis Henry, former NFL running back and general sleazeball, was arrested for his involvement in dealing cocaine in 2008.  He also has nine children by nine different mothers. The situation is a little different in that he was actually cut from the Broncos before he got arrested for the drug dealing, but it was only 4 months after being cut, so I think we can assume he was doing it while he was still playing.

Brandon Marshall is pro-domestic abuse and has a court date himself.  Not to mention his possible role in that weird Javon Walker beating outside the nightclub in Vegas last year.  Then there's Pac-Man (linking unnecessary) and Terry Glenn and...like 2000 other guys who have been arrested for various offenses.  Fresh in all our minds is the Donte Stallworth scenario, where he drove drunk and killed a guy.  He was apologetic and honest and took it like a man, but he's technically only suspended for 1 season, and the coverage of this incident is bordering on sympathetic.  

Anyways, the point I'm getting at is in a league with a ton of thugs, murderers, sleazeoids, drug dealers, cheaters, etc. can't we ease off Michael Vick a little?  What he did was disturbing and he deserved to get punished, but let's be honest: does it compare to killing a guy or having nine kids with nine different women and not paying for them...and being a drug dealer too?  Vick went to actual prison and was completely BANKRUPTED.  I think he's paid his debt, and I hope some team signs him as a punt-returner/situational back - if he can still cut it.  To be fair, the talking heads on ESPN and other sports media have been expressing that sentiment, but you know that people from PETA are going to be showing up at games with ridiculous signs and causing a raucous.  Just another example of misplaced priorities in our society. 

 

Underacheiver: Jason Schmidt

"Hey, how's that huge contract with Zito working out? Hey, Zito still making $126 million to sit in
the bullpen? Hey, Giants still sucking while Zito sucks you dry?"

HEY DODGER FANS, HOW'D THAT 3 YEAR, $47 MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT WITH SCHMIDT WORK OUT? FEEL LIKE HIS 3-8 RECORD AND 2 YEARS ON THE DL WAS WORTH THE BUY? HAPPY YOU STOLE HIM FROM US NOW?

Oh man. I am the bitterest. I hate that I'm writing this because I used to be such a Jason Schmidt fan. You know, before he became evil and then karma ate his arm muscles.

For those of you unaware, it's looking more and more like 36 year-old Jason Schmidt's career might be over. He signed with the Dodgers in December of 2006, pitched a few so-so games, and then had been injured for over two years before coming back to play four games this season and then again doing something screwy to his shoulder and heading back to the DL. As much as I hate the Dodgers, and I hate them with all my available hatred, it's pretty sad to see a guy's career go down the tubes like this.

But then again, it makes me feel SO much better about my Barry Zito situation. Zito signed with the Giants for an infinite amount of money for 6 or 7 years (I can't remember the length of the contract because after his first two God-awful seasons I was sure he'd be murdered before the contract expired) and now, in his third year in SF, he might have his first winning season with the club. His game has changed a little, he's a lot more consistent, and while he still isn't worth the contract he signed (no one is worth the contract he signed), it doesn't look like the assassination is going to happen. So to have Zito playing well as Schmidt sails into oblivion is grossly satisfying. It's going to make it that much sweeter when I wear my Jason Schmidt Giants jersey to Dodger Stadium. As Dodger fans shank me and call me names, I'll know it was right not to re-sign Schmidt.

It's been quite a roller coaster with these guys. While the Giants initially crippled themselves hugely with Zito's contract, the Dodgers signed Schmidt to a very reasonable and respectable deal. Now, however, we find the Giants with a far better pitching situation than the Dodgers, and a measly 7 games back in the NL West. So, from my perspective, looking through a very small window and only from a certain angle and only when it's dark, and it helps that I'm not wearing my glasses, and I just went swimming in a really chlorinated pool and I didn't have goggles, it looks like the Giants really came out ahead on this one. They're probably gonna win the World Series. That's just the way things seem to lining up right now. And you can bet that Dodger fans will look back on Schmidt's fall from grace and that 2006 trade and think, "We are just a dumb bunch of idiot jerks who make terrible decisions and do terrible things and should not be allowed in bars or out after 8pm. We're just awful." And Giants fans will think, "Yup, you guys are simply the worst kind of people. Terrifically horrible." And Barry Zito will be the World Series MVP. And the Golden State Warriors are going to the playoffs next year. And everyone agrees on health care reform. And lots of people are reading this post. Glorious.