Underwhelmed: The 2009 New York Giants

This was a difficult season to stomach as a Giants fan. Bright spots: Eli had his best statistical season of his career. That’s about it. In fact, that is it. Overall there was simply a lack of confidence oozing from the pores of every player on the team. The only part of the squad that thrived was the passing game, and there’s definitely reason to be optimistic about the future with this young, athletic playmaking receiving corps.

Something to build on, but there’s lots of building to do. Their special teams are AWFUL. They need to completely start over. They were top 5 in fair catches, 14^th (out of 16) in the NFC in kick-off return average and dead last in the NFC in net punt yards. Just atrocious. Cut Hixon altogether, find a punter who was born this century, and overpay (if you must) to get a kicker in whom we all can have even a modicum of confidence to hit a field goal over 38 yards. If you look at the stats Tynes wasn’t that bad, but…that’s news to me. This one in particular still stings. Plus I feel confident in making a million dollar bet with him that he can't kick a touchback. Just one Larry? Please?

I need to take a minute to focus on Hixon. I wish I had a youtube compilation video of his repeated, zero-threat kick and punt returns. I mean, I know he returned a kick for a TD this season, but big deal. He basically got lucky. Somebody fell down or something. He has this wildly undeserved reputation. He’s nearly as bad as a receiver. He doesn’t come back to the ball, is one of the least physical wide-outs I’ve ever seen…ugh. Get him out of my face.

As far as defense goes, there are two universal keys to success in the NFL: pressure the QB and create turnovers. In a league where there’s so much talent on the offensive side of the ball – even on mediocre teams – you need to do at least one of those two things really well if you want to go far. The Giants’ team sack totals the last three seasons are as follows: 53, 42, 32. Uh-oh. And they ended the ’09 season with a -5 turnover differential. Formula for losing right there. They’ve got some pieces they can build around (healthy Tuck, Ross, Phillips, Webster, Boley, Goff, Kiwanuka) though, so it's not a complete demo job.

I’ve got a radical idea for how they can jumpstart the franchise for next season. I’m not a college football expert by any means, but I’ve seen this kid from Nebraska Ndamukong Suh. The kid is a sure thing. He’s an unrelenting beast. If you’re the Giants, why not try to trade up for the number 1 pick and draft him? Call up the Rams, offer them Osi Umenyiora and your 1^st round pick, and give them something to think about. If you were the Rams wouldn’t you do that deal? You end up with a first-round pick, plus a proven defensive player that just needs a change of scenery. Plus Spagnuolo has a relationship with him already.

I think that’s a good deal. It breathes some life into the defensive line without shaking it up too much. I didn’t even get into the running game here, but I think it was just kind of a fluky season. Wouldn’t hurt to draft some re-enforcements, though. They’ve got the resources and competent enough management. I'm looking forward to 2010.

Beyond Underdogs: The Whale's Vagina Padres

Calling them the “Whale’s Vagina Padres” is neither here nor there; I just wanted to be splashy. Anyways, it’s a good thing no one in San Diego knows the Padres are still there because, if they did, they’d be upset.

I’m starting to think GM Jed Hoyer made an agreement with previous GM Kevin Towers to continue his legacy of intentionally remaking the Padres into the most anonymous team in all of MLB. Except I think Hoyer will take it one step further and turn it into some sort of avant-garde performance piece. By June he’ll have dealt away Chris Young, Adrian Gonzalez, Kevin Kouzmanoff and Heath Bell, strictly accepting obscure Double-A players only. Then soon afterwards he will arrange to have all the players’ names removed from the backs of their jerseys, rendering them unrecognizable to the announcers and fans. There will be no media programs published; MLB.com and ESPN.com will be forced to sign confidentiality agreements agreeing to never post the identities of the Padres’ players on their sites. At the end of the season at some art show in SoHo there will be a retrospective of the 2010 San Diego Padres season to commemorate the team’s visionary artistic achievement.

But seriously, what happens if they trade Adrian Gonzalez and Kevin Kouzmanoff? Will the league have no choice but to demote them to Triple-A? Will they be put up on foreclosure, bought by Mark Cuban, and moved to Las Vegas, San Jose…Dallas? I kind of want this to happen the same way people want the government to get so corrupt it collapses on itself in a fascinating wreck of dysfunction and chaos.

What would the city of San Diego do with that stadium they worked so hard to make the centerpiece of the downtown landscape? Would they just remodel it into a football stadium and let the Chargers play there? Would they upgrade to stainless steel appliances and granite countertops and hope to find a buyer willing to pay full price (desperate Southern California homeowner joke)? It does have great curb appeal…

The most amazing part is that despite all this, the Padres vastly outperformed their circumstances. They overachieved like a bastard in 2009. Their 2009 Pythagorean W-L record was 67-95. Long story short, that’s what their record SHOULD have been based on the team statistics. Their actual record? 75-87 – 8 games better than what it should have been. In baseball that’s pretty significant. Then if you look at their season month-by-month, you see that if they had just managed to go .500 for June and July they would have ended up 85-77 – above .500 and better than the Cubs, Brewers and Reds – and finishing 5^th versus 8^th in the wild card standings.

I suppose that’s all hypothetical gibberish since they DIDN’T do any of that, and were a pretty crappy team that in a fluke went 17-9 in September. But it begs a question for the management of the organization. You really can’t just do a little bit better? Is the team really that bankrupt? How can you be totally unable to keep any veteran good players? How much of this is simply the ubiquitous corporate mentality of profit-not-product first? I don’t know the details of the team’s financial situation. I know the owner went through a nasty divorce this year and was allegedly…apparently…trying to devalue the team since it was his biggest financial asset so that he would owe less to his wife.

So my second question is for someone like Mark Cuban, who kicked the tires on a franchise that would cost him about a bajillion times more to buy (the Cubs), why not put in an offer on the Dads and spice up the NL West a whole lot? Good time to do it with the ridiculous 2011 free agent class looming. Carl Crawford and Joe Mauer would look good in those Padres fatigues uniforms...*

*No, they wouldn't. I was just saying that as an ending to my column. Those are the ugliest uniforms in the history of baseball.

Jayhawks: Over-Underbird

I have one team that's not an Underdog at all. They're consistently good, they recently won a national championship, and my fanship totally makes me look like a front-runner since I'm not from Kansas. But I was raised on Jayhawk basketball and I've been by their side through thick and thin. That journey is why I can boldly state that they're an Underdog. A 10-0, #1 ranked Underdog.

Until '08, when they beat Memphis and I developed a monumental man-crush on Mario Chalmers, the Jayhawks hadn't claimed a title in 20 years. Yeah yeah, some teams have never won at all, blah blah blah, shut up, Gonzaga. In that 20 year span, I'm guessing Kansas had somewhere around eight #1 rankings (tried to research that stat, got bored, gave up). At some point, "Number One" became synonymous with "Disappointment". Being the favorite is when KU does some of its worst work, as seen with the Jayhawks' first round losses to 13th and 14th ranked teams in the '05 and '06 tournaments, respectively. And since the rest of the teams I faithfully support can't make the playoffs to save their lives, forgive me for preparing for the hard fall when my #1 seeded Jayhawks lose to the Corn-Weasles of Southeastern N. Dakota Technical Institute in an upset that forces the B- state of Kansas out of the Union.

I will not blather on about the "target on our back". That's one of my least favorite sports analogies. Top seeds don't lose because of a #1-shaped bullseye. Everybody wants to beat everybody. If anything, the favorites win more games because their opponents play scared. Isn't that right, 49ers against the Colts in week 8? You don't lose because teams are gunning for you, it's because you're awesome and you get comfortable and then you blow it. Isn't that right, USC vs Texas in the '05 Rose Bowl? And until '08 when Fabio Chalmers saved the world, I had watched the Jayhawks get comfortable and blow it a lot. Like, every year. Like, all the years when they were stacked, with Pierce, LaFrentz, Ostertag, Vaughn, Gooden, Collison, and lots of other players that haven't amounted to much in the NBA (Pierce excluded. Calm down, Boston). And when you're the consensus #1, blowing it is really the only option other than winning the whole thing. You either win every game and get crowned National Champion, or you lose and are a failure.

This is not to say that I don't love winning and the decent chances of taking it all. It's awesome. Two titles in three years will alleviate almost all of the misery caused by the Golden State Warriors. But I can't get excited about Jayhawk wins. We're supposed to win every game, usually by 13+ points. After a season of Giants baseball and 3/4 of a 49er season where every win is like a little kiss from Jesus, this is tough. It seems I'm much better equiped to cheer for shitty teams. Certainly more qualified to write about them.

In truth, I'm miserable. My team is awesome but they're not allowed to lose. And if they do, I won't be able to say, "At least the _________s are good," because all my other teams are bad. I'll only be able to say, "Typical." They have to win it all, or else the whole season will just be another joyless turd to go with all the other turds my beloved sports teams have pooped.

Underdogs are Tricky

Hey, reader. Singular. In reference to myself.

All season long, I've been gearing up for a great "49ers: Underdogs" post. I started thinking about it during the summer and I planted little seeds with the posts about their QB situation and the Crabtree ordeal. My plan was to have a couple close losses early, maybe pick up a cheap win against the Rams, and then lose the majority of the games and write bitter things every week.

But my plan got shelved. San Fran jumped out to a hot start, 3-1, with the only loss coming on a RIDICULOUS last-second play by Fart Bavre. My best laid Underdog schemes were... something about Mice and Men. And so for weeks 5-10 I lived in a delusional fog, believing that my team's losses were bad beats, that their win (only 1, just that one shitty win over the Bears) was proof they were back on track, and paying close mind to our record and Wild Card chances.

And then they lost to the Packers last week, the quarterback that could have been defeated the one that is, playoffs became all but impossible, and I finally woke up. Of course the 49ers are an underdog team! They're terrible! They have no clue what their doing or how any of their players are going to play week in and week out! What sort of idiot would think they might have a good season?

I've loved football since I knew how to love things. Every season since I was in grade school has been my favorite thing ever. By now, I should really be aware that there are always a few teams that start hot, get people talking, and then juice up the suck and play to their below-average potential. And I should have known that's what the 49ers were doing this year. Just like the Broncos and the Jets, they started off the season lying to us. They told us they could play football, and did some amateur tricks and we all fell for it. And when they pressed their luck and tried to further the charade, it all came crashing down. Welcome back to suck, 49ers, Jets and Broncos. Welcome back to your home. Hey, give the Texans a call, remind them it's their turn to do dishes. Oh, you already did, Broncos? Just in time for Kris Brown to miss that field goal last night? Great, thanks. Did you tell him how to spell his name? Oh, ok, we can just do that when the Texans get here later.

Sorry to bring you into this, Jets, Broncos and Texans fans. You guys are alright. My team is worse. I'm just trying to make up for the 10 weeks of "My Team is Worse than Yours" talk I missed out on. The 49ers are bad. They're worse than that bad. That one win during this tedious downhill slide? The opposing quarterback threw them the ball, he wasn't intercepted, the 9er D didn't make good plays, they were handed the ball 5 times, and they won 10-6. So. Effing. Bad.

From this point forward, I promise to acknowledge my teams suckage and give it it's due respect. For what is an Underdog Blog when it's writer thinks his team is better than other teams? It's an asshole blog, that's what it is.

Michael Crabtree Holdout: UnderTheBridge

Well done, Michael. You've made my previous post obsolete and I applaud you.

Who knew he was so charming? Who knew he could be so humble? Who knew as soon as he signed I would eat everything I had said and bathe myself in the waters of hypocrisy? Eh, no one knew, no one reads this stuff.

I made three claims in my "I Hate Michael Crabtree" post that is now even less valid than my "Brett Favre Won't be Good" post. Thank God I don't claim to know stuff about sports. Anyway, I said that the 49ers would not sign him and that's the wrongest thing I said. Then I claimed he wouldn't play, and that will prove to be wholly false on October 25th. Lastly, I stated that he will suck. Now, and very unfortunately for me and the rest of the 9er nation (note the ass-pat in that photo), this is my only prediction that could hold water. And I really don't want it to because I bought six Crabtree jerseys the morning after he signed.

I got a lot of congratulation calls after he officially ended his holdout. People seemed so excited for me and I couldn't figure out why. I guess this whole Crabtree saga has put it in all of our minds that he's awesome. No other reason a guy doesn't get signed until October. Right, JaMarcus Russell? I loved Crabtree in college. I hoped against hope that we would draft him. But for every awesome college player that really shows up in the NFL, there are at least two that don't. So, yeah, I'm excited that he signed because we really need a good receiver. I just hope he's a good receiver. And now I'm trying to think back to whether it was clairvoyance or alcohol that made me write he'll suck.

Bottom line, we all love our teams and we'll forgive a lot if it means we might win more games. I've really starting buying in to all the "his agent made him hold out" talk. That's a much nicer story. But I could totally go back to calling him a butthole if he sucks. I may be in your corner now, Mr. Crabtree, but if you're not careful I'll go right back to the lonely corner I was in earlier where I sneer and curse people under my breath. Please don't make me go back. Please just take me to the Superbowl.

Michael Crabtree: Underjerk

You're done, Crabtree. You're done.

I implore all sports analysts around the country to stop writing articles with the "what's gonna happen to Michael Crabtree" theme. Stop wondering who's gonna budge first and what the 49ers grand plan is and all of that. They aren't signing Crabtree. And if they do, he's not playing. And if he plays, he's gonna suck. Because Michael Crabtree sucks.

I'm sorry, Mike, $16 million guaranteed isn't good enough for you? In fact, it's so not good enough for you that you'd rather not sign any contract and wait a year to hopefully make more money? Is it because you were getting $5 million a year to PLAY IN COLLEGE, YOU PRICK? I really can't wrap my mind around $20 million over 5 years with $16 guaranteed not being enough money. It's as though, just before the draft, he made a bid on a very lavish house and knew he was going to have to get a contract for at least $23 guaranteed. Not the 9ers fault, Crabs.

I mean, I'm sorry Al Davis is an idiot. I'm sorry he showered a guy who should have gone in the 2nd round in money and made you feel undervalued. But, you know, shut up. You could have been sitting on more money than most people see in their entire lives, playing for a team that's playing better than most expected (most smart football players would happily take a pay cut to not play for the Raiders) and earning yourself a HUGE contract extension if you played well. But now you aren't playing. You haven't played a competitive game in like 8 months. And you really think taking a season off and reentering the draft is going to get you taken higher than 10th? Is this chick your adviser?

I stopped wanting San Francisco to sign Crabtree back in mid-August, or whenever I first caught wind that he was threatening to skip the season and get drafted again. Soon as I found out this kid who has yet to play a game in the NFL thinks he's better than an entire franchise, I was done with him. I do not want him on my team. I can't imagine the other SF players, the ones who went through the two-a-day work outs of their grueling training camp, who fought for a spot on the roster, who work hard and aren't shitheads, how would they react to Crabtree if he did get signed and joined the team in October. "Oh, hey, you're that guy who thinks he's better than the rest of us. Welcome aboard, if you fumble I'll cut off all our fingers." And imagine what Coach Singletary would do to this kid if he stepped out of line at all. Mike doesn't like divas and, even at 50 or however old he is, he could destroy Crabtree.

No, I'm much more invested in the vindictive, petty emotions that have me wanting to watch Crabtree's career be a bust. There's gotta be a sacrificial lamb for these college players to see so they stop demanding a ton of money before they earn it. Adrian Peterson, the hands down best running back in the game, isn't making a million a year. It'll probably be 20 million a year when he gets his next contract, but he's earned it. Crabtree could never be as vital to an organization as Peterson is to the Vikings, and yet he wants 10 times the pay? I hate you, Michael Crabtree. If for no other reason because you're making my blog serious and angry.

Hair of the Underdog: SF Giants and Bowmore

The walk-off home run to Prince Fielder started it. I mean, really? A walk-off to Prince? How cliche, with an accent over the e that I don't know how to make. But what really sent me into this bender was losing the series to the Padres. The effing Padres, man. They're so bad. But I guess they aren't as bad as the Giants. And that's why I've had so much scotch.

It's tough that Giants' losses drive me to drink. But they do, so I'm gonna write about it. If my teams losing just made me totally despondent and unable to communicate my sorrow, I wouldn't have a blog, much less a blog as successful and well known as this one. Fortunately for everyone, the Giants current tailspin hasn't made me want to give up on life, it's just made me want to attack life with alcohol. And one of the weapons I use is Bowmore.

It's a great scotch for those of you who like a peaty scotch but don't want to feel like you're gnawing on a camp fire. I'm not a booze wizard and I don't have an expansive frame of reference, but I find Bowmore to be a slightly milder version of the really bold scotches that cost you $70 a bottle. Also, it helps you forget you lost two out of three to the fucking Padres.

I got a bottle for... I think $37 or so, not cheap, but more than worth the money. Throw in a couple ice cubes or a splash of water and it's just a delight. Then watch Aaron Rowand ground into a triple play and have another. Bowmore is one of the Islay distilleries, located on the island of Islay off the coast of Scotland. The Islay scotches are some of the best, or so I have been told and read just now while trying to learn about this post that I'm writing. I have had a few of the other Islay whiskeys and liked them all, but I'll save that discussion for when the Giants get swept by the Dodgers this weekend and/or don't make the playoffs. Apparently these scotches get a lot of their unique flavor from the water that they use, with the southern distilleries using the brown, peat heavy waters and the northern distilleries getting their water directly from the spring so it's a little less smokey. Bowmore is more centrally located, giving it a nice balance of the two. I just paraphrased all that directly from this source.

I hate the Giants. At least the last two seasons their playoff hopes were dashed in July so my depression peaked before August. Now they're only 4 games out of the wild card race, behind the Rockies who are currently the worst thing in my life. It's almost a given that the Giants will close the playoff gap and then lose 4 out of 5 in heartbreaking fashion. So being within striking distance of the postseason is almost worse than being totally horrible.

Those Colorado jerk-offs cannot lose. They just now scored 5 runs in an inning to go up 5-1 over the Reds. Like they knew I was in the midst of a Giants-mourning post and they wanted to help. Thank you, Garrett Atkins, you've made everything so much easier. Go drown yourself. In a delicious glass of Bowmore!