Michael Crabtree: Underjerk

You're done, Crabtree. You're done.

I implore all sports analysts around the country to stop writing articles with the "what's gonna happen to Michael Crabtree" theme. Stop wondering who's gonna budge first and what the 49ers grand plan is and all of that. They aren't signing Crabtree. And if they do, he's not playing. And if he plays, he's gonna suck. Because Michael Crabtree sucks.

I'm sorry, Mike, $16 million guaranteed isn't good enough for you? In fact, it's so not good enough for you that you'd rather not sign any contract and wait a year to hopefully make more money? Is it because you were getting $5 million a year to PLAY IN COLLEGE, YOU PRICK? I really can't wrap my mind around $20 million over 5 years with $16 guaranteed not being enough money. It's as though, just before the draft, he made a bid on a very lavish house and knew he was going to have to get a contract for at least $23 guaranteed. Not the 9ers fault, Crabs.

I mean, I'm sorry Al Davis is an idiot. I'm sorry he showered a guy who should have gone in the 2nd round in money and made you feel undervalued. But, you know, shut up. You could have been sitting on more money than most people see in their entire lives, playing for a team that's playing better than most expected (most smart football players would happily take a pay cut to not play for the Raiders) and earning yourself a HUGE contract extension if you played well. But now you aren't playing. You haven't played a competitive game in like 8 months. And you really think taking a season off and reentering the draft is going to get you taken higher than 10th? Is this chick your adviser?

I stopped wanting San Francisco to sign Crabtree back in mid-August, or whenever I first caught wind that he was threatening to skip the season and get drafted again. Soon as I found out this kid who has yet to play a game in the NFL thinks he's better than an entire franchise, I was done with him. I do not want him on my team. I can't imagine the other SF players, the ones who went through the two-a-day work outs of their grueling training camp, who fought for a spot on the roster, who work hard and aren't shitheads, how would they react to Crabtree if he did get signed and joined the team in October. "Oh, hey, you're that guy who thinks he's better than the rest of us. Welcome aboard, if you fumble I'll cut off all our fingers." And imagine what Coach Singletary would do to this kid if he stepped out of line at all. Mike doesn't like divas and, even at 50 or however old he is, he could destroy Crabtree.

No, I'm much more invested in the vindictive, petty emotions that have me wanting to watch Crabtree's career be a bust. There's gotta be a sacrificial lamb for these college players to see so they stop demanding a ton of money before they earn it. Adrian Peterson, the hands down best running back in the game, isn't making a million a year. It'll probably be 20 million a year when he gets his next contract, but he's earned it. Crabtree could never be as vital to an organization as Peterson is to the Vikings, and yet he wants 10 times the pay? I hate you, Michael Crabtree. If for no other reason because you're making my blog serious and angry.

Hair of the Underdog: SF Giants and Bowmore

The walk-off home run to Prince Fielder started it. I mean, really? A walk-off to Prince? How cliche, with an accent over the e that I don't know how to make. But what really sent me into this bender was losing the series to the Padres. The effing Padres, man. They're so bad. But I guess they aren't as bad as the Giants. And that's why I've had so much scotch.

It's tough that Giants' losses drive me to drink. But they do, so I'm gonna write about it. If my teams losing just made me totally despondent and unable to communicate my sorrow, I wouldn't have a blog, much less a blog as successful and well known as this one. Fortunately for everyone, the Giants current tailspin hasn't made me want to give up on life, it's just made me want to attack life with alcohol. And one of the weapons I use is Bowmore.

It's a great scotch for those of you who like a peaty scotch but don't want to feel like you're gnawing on a camp fire. I'm not a booze wizard and I don't have an expansive frame of reference, but I find Bowmore to be a slightly milder version of the really bold scotches that cost you $70 a bottle. Also, it helps you forget you lost two out of three to the fucking Padres.

I got a bottle for... I think $37 or so, not cheap, but more than worth the money. Throw in a couple ice cubes or a splash of water and it's just a delight. Then watch Aaron Rowand ground into a triple play and have another. Bowmore is one of the Islay distilleries, located on the island of Islay off the coast of Scotland. The Islay scotches are some of the best, or so I have been told and read just now while trying to learn about this post that I'm writing. I have had a few of the other Islay whiskeys and liked them all, but I'll save that discussion for when the Giants get swept by the Dodgers this weekend and/or don't make the playoffs. Apparently these scotches get a lot of their unique flavor from the water that they use, with the southern distilleries using the brown, peat heavy waters and the northern distilleries getting their water directly from the spring so it's a little less smokey. Bowmore is more centrally located, giving it a nice balance of the two. I just paraphrased all that directly from this source.

I hate the Giants. At least the last two seasons their playoff hopes were dashed in July so my depression peaked before August. Now they're only 4 games out of the wild card race, behind the Rockies who are currently the worst thing in my life. It's almost a given that the Giants will close the playoff gap and then lose 4 out of 5 in heartbreaking fashion. So being within striking distance of the postseason is almost worse than being totally horrible.

Those Colorado jerk-offs cannot lose. They just now scored 5 runs in an inning to go up 5-1 over the Reds. Like they knew I was in the midst of a Giants-mourning post and they wanted to help. Thank you, Garrett Atkins, you've made everything so much easier. Go drown yourself. In a delicious glass of Bowmore!